


Ever After

by FrankieFandom



Series: Missing [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Self-Destruction, Sequel, Suicide Attempt, hurt!Casey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-25 17:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14383500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: Sequel to Endure. Casey's physical injuries had healed but his ordeal was far from over.





	1. Parole

_Firehouse_

Casey had been back at work for nearly a year. It had been over a year and a half since he had been kidnapped and tortured for nine days, a year and half since he thought his life had changed forever but he had endured and returned to work despite his doubts and worries. Life at the firehouse had changed very little, Dawson had left but Borelli had been a welcome addition to Truck 81. House 51 really were a family, they looked out for each other. They didn't mention anything about the days Casey had been missing or the months he had spent recovering, they knew he didn't want that, they knew he had dealt with it, was still dealing with it. They also knew Severide was there for him, a relationship that was now often joked about at the house. The two of them, although best friends before, were barely separable now. Severide was Casey's safety net, just a glance towards him and any anxiousness lessened.

Severide was sitting at the squad table when Truck 81 pulled onto the apparatus floor.

"You all right?" he questioned as Casey walked past him with a pain expression across his face.

"Fine," Casey replied briskly and continued on to the locker room.

Severide soon followed him and found him sat on the bench. "Your knee?" he questioned. Casey had been experiencing pain in his leg recently, pain that he'd not been able to hide from his roommate. It was more frequent when he was physically active, which of course he was most of the time as even his downtime activities were strenuous.

Reluctantly Casey nodded and admitted, "I've had some aspirin."

"It's getting worse," Severide stated, edging towards a tricky topic as he wanted Casey to make a hospital appointment.

"Yeah… guess it is," he confessed hesitantly

"Want an ice pack for it?" Severide asked.

"It's not swollen or anything… it just hurts," he sighed, "I need to call my doctor, don't I?"

"Smartest thing you've said all day," Severide smirked.

"Hey..." he mock hit him as he stood up from the bench.

Later in the day Severide was making his way to join the others in the common room when he spotted a curiously lost looking man. "You all right?" he asked.

"I'm looking for a Matthew Casey," than man explained.

"Who are you?" he questioned. Boden joined him as he'd been walking past.

The man handed Severide a card, he was a reporter, "Is he here?"

"What do you want?" Boden asked.

"I just wanted his thoughts on Nesbitts parole hearing," he said.

Severide frowned, "Parole hearing?" It was the first he'd heard of it.

"Because of the overcrowding," he replied.

"Well he's not here," he stated as glanced through the glass into the common room. The visitor seemed to have gone unnoticed by Casey who was sat with Herrmann, Mouch and Otis playing cards.

"Will you give him my card?" the man asked.

"Yeah sure," Severide replied but he had no intention of giving Casey this man's card. He turned to Boden when the man left, "Nesbitt can't get parole… can he? He had ten years… there's no way they'll let him out right?"

"Right," Boden stated with uncertainty, "I'll make some calls and see what Voight or anyone else knows about this."

Severide looked at Casey again and half stated, half questioned, "We're not going tell him?"

"Nothing to tell him yet," Boden replied.

"Right," he scoffed. "If he gets parole can we hide that too?" he shook his head.

"You can't hide everything from him," Boden said gently.

"He's happy, right now he's happy and he deserves to be," he replied.

"Hopefully nothing will come from this, it could just be a rumour," Boden responded before entering the common room.

Severide remained looking at Casey with the others, almost everything was back to normal, he still had the occasional nightmare, he still saw Doctor Lawson, he still slept with the light on. Nothing was going to make him forget the events that had transpired but he dealt with everything well, he was strong.

_Therapy Room_

"You should come," Casey smiled.

"To a _firefighters_ picnic and BBQ?" Lawson questioned.

"It's not just for firefighters," he said, the smile still lingered on his face, "It's for family and friends too."

"I'll have to come along then, see what all the fuss is about," Lawson replied.

"You can be friends or family," he scoffed.

"You've not heard from your sister recently? Your mom?" Lawson began to broach a subject he'd wanted to bring up in the last couple of months as he knew Casey avoided the subject.

"Nope," he replied flippantly, it was a shield he used often.

"Have you approached them?" Lawson enquired.

Casey leaned back on the couch. "You've gone into shrink mode," he smiled, "You know the only reason I don't mind coming here still is because it's just chatting, but then you go and hide in little questions like that..."

Lawson smiled, "You've not approached them."

"No," he sighed. "Not since before…" he trailed off.

"Because you don't want them around or because you don't want to anticipate a response from your mom and not get one?" Lawson asked.

He looked away and concentrated on the bookshelf to the right of the couch he was occupying. "I don't need my sister and she has her own life, I have my own life, we're both busy."

"Your mom?" Lawson urged.

"I was missing for nine days and apparently my mother missing too… she never even came when she knew what happened," he replied quietly.

"So better not to try?" Lawson questioned.

"And not be disappointed," Casey nodded.

_Firehouse_

"You're still here?" Severide stopped by the open door to Caseys quarters.

Casey looked up from his paperwork, "Appointment's at 9:30 , no point in going home first."

"Want me to come?" he asked.

"Nah, you should go home," Casey smiled.

Severide didn't go straight home, he left Casey in his quarters and went to Boden's office. "Chief," he greeted him as he knocked on the open door. Boden signalled for him to enter. "I spoke to Antonio after shift the other day, he doesn't seem worried about the situation with Nesbitt but he's not the one who was kidnapped," he scoffed.

"The parole hearing is in two weeks because of his good behaviour and the overcrowding," Boden stated, "The attorney general called me back today; we can speak up against his release."

"Good behaviour. That doesn't cancel out anything he did! There's a chance he could get out on parole?" he questioned incredulously, "Will it be enough? If we just speak against his parole."

"You don't want to tell Casey about any of this?" Boden surmised, "You should tell him. If he finds out and finds out that you knew... or worse Nesbitt gets out on parole and you have to admit you hid it from him for weeks…"

"Right I'll just bring it up whilst we're eating breakfast," he shook his head, annoyed at the situation, "This is all meant to be over. This isn't fair, it's not right."

_Hospital_

"Matt," Doctor Andrews greeted him loudly, he shook his hand, a large smile played across his face. "It's nice to see you, well, to see you up and about, not here specifically. I'm so glad we managed get you back to work, back to your life," he said, sitting down and indicated for Casey to do the same, his smile faded away and he begun, "So down to business, you said you've been experiencing pain in your leg?"

"It's my knee, not my leg," he replied. "My knee, not my thigh," he reiterated, he wanted it to have nothing to do with his previous injury.

"The pain's been there for a few weeks?" the doctor questioned.

"Erm…" Casey hesitated. "Maybe more than a few weeks…" he admitted.

"But you waited to make an appointment because you're worried something's wrong with your leg?" Doctor Andrews asked as he recalled his phone call with Casey the other day.

"It is my knee though… just happens to be the same leg you guys nearly decided to chop off," he scoffed, nervous and worried, he watched the doctors expression, "It is to do with my leg?"

"It isn't uncommon for the IM rod we used to fix the break to course knee pain," the doctor explained.

"Ok…" he frowned. "What does that mean?" he had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach; he knew what it meant.

"Our best option may be to remove it," Doctor Andrews stated.

"Surgery?" he questioned.

The doctor nodded, "We'll need to do some scans first though, you're most recent x-ray is nearly a year old, MRI scan is even older. I also want to do a bone density scan."

"To make sure I don't need the rod that was holding my leg together?" he asked sceptically. Again the doctor nodded, Casey frowned, "And if I need it?"

"We'll then do further scans to see when we can remove it," Doctor Andrews explained.

"It can't stay in?" he asked.

"The pain will only get worse, the soft tissue will continue to be irritated, there may be muscle deterioration," the doctor explained and add softly, "There may already be deterioration. You do a lot of strenuous activities so the best option will be to remove it dependent on the scan results."

"Work?" he questioned worriedly

"You can work for now but if it gets worse I won't be able to clear you for active duty, and it will get worse Matt," Doctor Andrews reiterated.

"Ok," Casey accepted sullenly.

"We can get the scans done today, get everything done quickly for you," the doctor noted the apprehension across Casey's face, "Or I'll fit you in tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," he said quickly, he hadn't prepared himself for anything other than a quick appointment today.

_Apartment_

Casey wordlessly joined Severide on the couch later that same day. Severide glanced over to him expecting him to talk about the hospital appointment, when he didn't he grew concerned with Casey's silence but didn't pressure him. After a while Casey looked over towards Severide and then back to the TV, he sighed. "I've got to go back to the hospital tomorrow," he explained, Severide waited for him to continue, he turned to face him, "They want some recent scans of my leg."

"Bad news?" Severide questioned.

"Erm… I don't know…" he frowned, "The doctor  thinks they should remove it, the IM rod. That's what's causing the pain but he won't know if he can until he sees the scans. My leg might not be strong enough without it because of the infection and second surgery."

"I'll come with you tomorrow," Severide stated, he wasn't going to give Casey a choice.

He sighed again. "I don't want more surgery," he stated, "I mean, I don't remember ever having surgery but this would be planned and I don't want to… I don't want to wake up like last time… it was…"

Severide shook his head, "It won't be scary. You'll understand what's happened because it _is_ planned."

"Ok, I guess," he nodded, "You don't mind coming with me tomorrow, do you?"

"I don't mind," Severide reassured him.

"We can go for a run when we get back," Casey smiled.

"Really Case?" he scoffed.

"Oh right, yeah, probably shouldn't," Casey replied. In the last year he'd become rather obsessive about running, not that he had done little before his injury but he was now running up to several hours a day most days of the week. It was only recently that Severide had become concerned about it because it obviously pained him to keep pounding the streets.

Severide shook his head and laughed, "You have no self-preservation." He decided with Casey's news about a likely surgery he wasn't going to mention the Nesbitt situation just yet, he would wait for a more appropriate time.

_Hospital_

"It's good news Matt," Doctor Andrews smiled, he was sat behind his desk facing Severide and Casey, "The scans are good, we can go ahead with the surgery to remove the IM rod."

Casey wasn't entirely sure that it was in fact good news, he certainly wasn't looking forward to having surgery but he understood that the pain would get worse without it, "How much time do I need off work?"

"It can vary from a few days to a few weeks," the doctor explained.

"Weeks?" he questioned.

"There's no set recovery time for this surgery, we won't know until afterwards," Doctor Andrews replied.

"When do I need to have it?" Casey asked with a tone of resignation.

"I'd like to get it done next week, is that enough notice for work?" the doctor asked.

Casey nodded, "All right."

"Now, like any surgery there are risks, just from general anaesthesia alone but the removal of the rod is also risky, your leg has scar tissue from your previous surgeries, there's a risk of nerve damage and re-fractures. It's unlikely but there have been cases where pain has worsened after removal," he explained.

"But you're also saying without it being removed there could be muscle damage and the pain will only increase?" Severide chimed in. Casey had managed to find himself in yet another unfair situation through no fault of his own.

"Matt," the doctor addressed him directly, "If there was something else I could do then I would do it, this is the only option."

"I won't be able to work eventually if I don't do this?" he questioned.

"No," the doctor replied.

"What if I wait until that point?" he asked.

The doctor shook his head, "I wouldn't recommend it. The sooner we do it the less chance there is of further soft tissue damage."

Casey frowned, "There's already a lot of scar tissue in my leg, from the other two surgeries, that made rehab difficult last time, this will make more scar tissue?"

"You're not going to be inactive on the leg, you'll be up and about straight away," the doctor explained.

"Ok," Casey sighed, "Let's just get it done then I guess."

"It's the right decision Matt, I will schedule you in for next week, you won't need to stay over the night before but you will need to stop eating after midnight and hopefully you'll be able to go home the same day," the doctor smiled.


	2. Surgery

_Apartment_

"Good behaviour? That doesn't wipe his slate clean! He tried to kill Casey! He destroyed a year of his life!" Severide yelled angrily.

"They're saying it was the Bulgarians, they were the ring leaders, not Nesbitt, that's why he got the shortest sentence to start with…" Boden was cut short when the front door opened to reveal a tired truck lieutenant. Casey's white top nearly see-through from the sweat and his hair was almost plastered to his face.

As soon as Casey closed the door behind himself he noticed both Severide and Boden staring at him, they were silent. "What?" he frowned, as he pushed his hair back.

Boden looked at his watch. "I better go, Donna's waiting for me," he walked past Casey and greeted him silently before letting himself out of the apartment.

"You went out running?" Severide questioned.

"No I went out surfing… of course I was running," he said incredulously as he walked over to the kitchen counter to grab some painkillers.

"The fact that this morning you were told you need surgery and you're having to take painkillers as soon as you get back isn't telling you anything?" Severide asked heatedly. Casey's running habits were really starting to frustrate him.

Casey dropped the pill pot down and grabbed an orange juice bottle from the fridge instead. He sat down on the couch and asked, "Why was Boden here?"

Severide shook his head, "No reason, he was just stopping by on his way to meet Donna."

"Right," he replied disbelievingly, "Nothing to do with Nesbitt's parole hearing then?"

Unsure he'd heard correctly and surprised at what Casey had said he questioned, "What?"

"I do have access to the internet," he stated.

"Case…" Severide began.

"It came up on the side of an article I was reading last night," he said simply, "I take it that you've known about it longer than I have?"

"Case…" Severide tried again, he wanted to explain his actions but so far Casey wasn't letting him get a word in.

"Were your ever planning on telling me?" he frowned.

"Yesterday, before you told me you might need surgery… and I didn't want to bring it up today after that was confirmed… I'm…" Severide began.

"Because Casey can't cope with anything anymore, right?" he snarled angrily.

"Matt it's not like that, it just wasn't the right time… I didn't want to overload you with all this bad news, didn't want upset you…" Severide realised he was using the wrong words but he didn't know what else to say, it was the truth after all. He really had just wanted to hold off the bad news.

"Upset me? Well I am upset."

Severide nodded, "And it's completely understandable that you…"

"I'm not upset because of my leg or Nesbitt," he spat.

Severide realised that of course he was upset at him. "I'm sorry I didn't mention as soon as I knew."

Casey shook his head. "I get it, I know why you wanted to wait, you were worried that I wouldn't cope but it's ok I am fine, with both the surgery and Nesbitt," he shrugged, "I doubt he'll get out anyway." But he didn't sound convinced about that. "I didn't mean to get annoyed with you, argue or whatever, I'm just tired." Casey's moods could flip like a switch at times. Severide wasn't sure if that was just Casey, whether he'd always been like that or if it was a long lasting effect of his ordeal.

"Ok," Severide replied, unconvinced by Caseys words but he didn't say anything more as he got up off the couch and went to shower.

_Firehouse_

The next day at the firehouse Casey regrettably informed Chief Boden that he was going to need yet more time off because of his leg and that there was no time frame for his return, it could be a week or even a month.

"Don't worry about it Casey, we've got you covered here and if you need any help with the Nesbitt situation do let me know," Boden replied reassuringly. Severide had informed that Casey was now in the know about the parole hearing.

"It's not for weeks and I doubt he'll get out," he replied with a tight lipped smiled. __  
  


_Washington Avenue_

Casey jumped out the truck with a slight groan, he'd gone for a run before his shift had started and hadn't worn his knee support. He surveyed the scene as he walked over to the lieutenant of the other truck company. "Casey," the man greeted him, "Can your guys take the coach?" A tour bus and a coach had collided and a couple of cars had been caught in the crossfire.

"Hermann, Kidd…" Casey began spouting out his orders and turned back to the other lieutenant. "Boden's caught up at HQ," he informed him.

The man nodded, "I'll take the lead."

"Coach is clear, driver's banged up, fell asleep at the wheel," Herrmann called as he walked away from one of the ambulances on scene.

A car nearby suddenly set alight. "81 get that fire out!" Casey called.

"Dawson update?" the lieutenant asked into his radio.

"Just coming out with the last victim," Dawson responded and soon appeared out of the tour bus that was now ablaze. Casey then joined the other lieutenant in removing the final trapped victim from one of the cars. He didn't see Dawson again until they were clearing up the scene. "Hey Matt… Lieutenant," she corrected herself, "Are you going to the BBQ next week?"

"Yeah," he replied as he picked part of a car bonnet and moved it to the side.

"Of course you're going," she shrugged, "Don't know why I asked, you always go."

Except he hadn't gone last year and he wasn't a hundred percent he would be going this year now because of his leg but he'd only told a few people about his surgery so far, he'd not even told his crew yet, he wasn't about to announce it to his ex-fiancé. "I guess… I'm not one to break tradition," he replied.

_Hospital Room_

Casey had barely slept the night before his surgery. When he had finally managed to fall asleep it had been plagued with his usual nightmares which forced him back into consciousness, he'd desperately wanted to grab his trainers and go for a run but he was under strict instructions not to. Running helped calm him when he was anxious and pounding the pavements distracted him when his thoughts were overpowering. He was still taking the anti-depressants he'd been prescribed, he was on a lower dosage than before but he still hid them from everyone except for Severide and really he wished he didn't know about them. There were still days where everything got too much for him but he didn't let it affect work, if it started to affect his work… he didn't want to think about that. He'd worked hard to get back to where he was, he was happy, even if it at times the whole world felt like it was crumbling around him, he was still surrounded by reminders of the events that took place, the events that had changed him even if he didn't want to admit it, he was more cautious now, less headstrong, less sure of himself within his personal life.

He'd been given a gown to change into and told that a porter would be along when they were ready for him to go up to the pre op room, he had signed the consent forms and was now waiting nervously with Severide. "Day before yesterday could have been my last shift," Casey stated.

"Well that's not exactly positive thinking," Severide replied.

"We didn't even have one call," he continued without really listening to Severide.

"Definitely wasn't your last shift then," Severide said. Casey tapped his hand nervously on the edge of the bed, "Matt it's just routine surgery, it's planned, you've got nothing worry about."

"I didn't tell them, I didn't tell the guys that there's a possibility it'll make things worse, that I might not be able to go back to work, I said I'd be at the BBQ in a couple of days," he admitted.

"Because that's the very very worst case scenario, you know that," Severide reassured him. "The doctors just need to cover their asses," he shrugged, "You'll sail through it."

There was a knock on the door and Casey jolted, he was sure it was too soon for them to take him up to the pre op room, and he was right, Lawson opened the door and Casey sighed in relief. "Thought I was coming to take you up?" he asked, Casey nodded honestly, "I will be coming up with you though, made sure my schedule was clear…"

"You can? They said Kelly had to stay down here," Casey replied. Severide had asked if he could stay but was told it was strictly hospital staff only.

"I _am_ a doctor," he grinned, "I may not be a surgeon but I can go into pre op with you." The truth was they were worried about how Casey was going to react before and after the operation, he would be less worried, be less agitated and easier to deal with if someone he knew and trusted was with him.

"Ok," Casey sounded slightly less worried but his anxiousness grew as they waited. "How long is it going to take again?" he asked for the third time.

"At least a few hours," Severide replied, "I'll be here, bored, waiting for you," he smiled. He was worried about the surgery himself but he wasn't going to let Casey know that. Soon a nurse arrived and asked Casey to take two yellow pills before a porter took him up to the pre op room with Lawson. "See you later, all right?" Severide waved casually as he left.

_Recovery_

The surgery had gone well, the IM rod that had been inserted to stabilise his broken femur over a year ago had been removed successfully. It was a demanding surgery on the leg as the IM rod and screws were pulled forcefully out of the bone and post-operative pain varied amongst patients so they would have to wait until Casey woke to see how he'd faired.

It didn't take long for him to come around from the anaesthesia. The first time he woke he had no idea where he was, nothing felt real as he looked up at the blurry face above him. The next time he woke up he panicked when he realised he couldn't move, he saw flashes of Lawson's face in front of his vision, he was speaking slowly to him and eventually he remembered where he was and he calmed down and allowed himself to drift back off to sleep.

"Matt," a gentle voice woke him up, he opened his eyes and gazed blearily at Lawson, "You're in the hospital," the man explained.

"My leg..." Casey slurred.

"Surgery went well, they should be getting you up and about in a few hours, how are you feeling?" Lawson asked. He felt nauseous, cold and tired but his eyelids were heavy and he fell asleep before he could reply.

The fourth time he woke he answered the nurses questions with a slur, everything felt slow and clouded and he still felt incredibly nauseous. He was shaking slightly from the anaesthesia, his whole leg and lower back hurt but he was too out of it to think about asking for anything to dull the pain. _Hospital Room_

Severide watched as Casey tiredly surveyed his room and when it was clear Casey was much more coherent he announced, "Well you've managed to earn a night in this hospital room."

"Huh?" Casey frowned; it had been an outpatient procedure, "Thought we were gonna get to go?"

"No," Severide simply, "You don't remember?"

He frowned, he couldn't remember and now he was worried, "No…"

"You woke up in a lot of pain, they've given you some pretty heavy painkillers," Severide explained and Casey now understood why he felt so woozy, "And you've had some side effects from the anaesthesia." Casey's shaking had only recently subsided and Severide only hoped that his nausea had vanished too.

"Oh… I don't remember…" he said miserably, concerned that he was still so disorientated, he didn't even know how long it had been since the surgery.

"It's ok, you're fine, you just get to stay here a little longer than we'd planned," Severide said reassuringly. Truth be told he was glad Casey couldn't remember. He'd woken up in so much pain after he had been transferred out of the recovery room. Severide had immediately called for the nurse but she wouldn't give him anything until the doctor arrived, who thankfully administered a small amount of morphine. He'd ran his hand comfortingly through his friends hair to help soothe him before the drugs kicked in, Casey eyes were streaming, all he had wanted to was roll onto his side but he couldn't, his leg had been positioned carefully and it allowed for little movement, Severide had grabbed his hand and told him to squeeze as tight as he needed to distract him from the pain, at one point Severide thought he was going to throw up but the painkillers soon kicked in and eased Casey to sleep far away from the pain he'd been experiencing.

"You should go home," Casey slurred tiredly after he looked at the clock on wall at the nurse's station through the glass panels that made up the left hand side of his room.

"I'm staying," he had already taken tomorrows shift off knowing that Casey might not be up and about straight away after the surgery. "Besides you'd not believe what I had to do to bribe the nurses to let me stay," he joked.

"Sev?" Casey spoke quietly a few moments later, "My leg's ok?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "They said there were no complications during the surgery, you might need a bit of PT again but…"

"Can I get up?" Casey asked.

"Erm… I think you should wait for the nurse," he advised.

"I need to piss," Casey stated.

"Oh. Right." He picked up the plastic bedpan that was by the bed but the look on Casey's face told him that wasn't going to happen so he sighed, "All right, but you're not getting up on your own." He helped Casey up, out of the bed and helped him into the bathroom, it took a lot of strength and effort on both their parts, Casey was barely putting any weight on his right leg, partly afraid that it would undo the magic of the morphine and partly because he was afraid the bone would snap now the rod had been removed even though he knew that was implausible.

Back on the bed Casey was breathing heavily. "I shouldn't have done that," he admitted.

"It hurts?" Severide questioned.  He nodded. Severide knew it must have been bad for Casey to admit to the pain. "It's been a while since the doc gave the painkillers, I'll go find someone, see if…"

"Don't," he breathed, "It'll stop now I'm not moving."

"Matt…" Severide implored.

"It'll stop," he insisted through gritted teeth.

"Yeah it will because I'm going to get a doctor," Severide stood up. He returned swiftly with the doctor who got straight down to business.

The doctor walked over to Casey's bed. "Where is the pain?" he asked, "Is it your whole leg or…"

"My back," he replied, "And my hip."

"Your lower back?" the doctor questioned. Casey nodded. "How about your knee?"

"It's ok… it doesn't hurt if it's still, just aches… is this bad?" he asked worriedly.

"No, no, it's fine, it's a brutal surgery, a lot of force was put into the removing the rod, pain isn't unusual," the doctor reassured him. "I'm going to give you a higher dose of morphine, it's going to make you really groggy again. Don't worry Matt, I'm not at all concerned that you're going to have any issues with your leg," he repeated in an attempt to lift some of Casey’s anxiety.

"Ok," he accepted and soon Casey drifted off to sleep. Tomorrow they wanted him to be up and walking and if the pain was manageable he would be discharged and sent home under instructions to attend some physical therapy sessions before he could be signed off to work again.


	3. BBQ

_Apartment_

Less than thirty-six hours after Casey's surgery had begun he was discharged. He was sent home with aftercare instructions for the incision sites, a few codeine pills and a physical therapy appointment for the next day where his leg would be assessed further but from his examination with the doctor before he was released the news was good. He would make a full recovery.

"Why don't we watch TV on your bed? Then you can get comfy and don't need to move so much," Severide suggested as Casey walked slowly over to the couch. He had been given crutches to use if he felt like he needed the assistance.

He shook his head, "They said it was better to keep moving around, keep it active."

"Doesn't mean going for a run tomorrow though," Severide stated.

"I know," he said.

"Just checking," Severide shrugged. Casey gave him a look of annoyance. "You run _a lot_ Casey."

"And you go to the gym a lot, exercise is good," he retorted.

"Too much isn't," Severide stated pointedly.

Casey sighed. "It helps, it helps me to stop thinking," he shrugged, "It's been so long, most the time everyone looks at me normally, like nothing happened, like they don't remember and I like that, I'm glad of that but I _still_ remember." He still has nightmares, they are nowhere near as often and ninety-five percent of the time he can go day by day without any intrusive thoughts or feelings but they still happened. Severide knew this. If he wasn't awoken by Casey's dreams then he could tell by hiss subdued attitude the next day, his friend wouldn't tell him when his thoughts became too overwhelming but he knew that it happened, there would be a look of distress behind his friends usually bright eyes, carefully hidden from the rest of the world. Severide was glad Casey still saw Lawson once a month, he just hoped he was being honest with him, he supposed he was because other than some very minor incidents Casey was still coping well. Running was an outlet. Severide realised it was healthier than starving himself but all that exercise was impacting his body, he was keeping an eye on his weight and his eating habits, he always would after everything that had happened and despite Casey's calm exterior Severide was terrified of the thoughts that could be running a mock within his head over Nesbitt's possible release. He had informed Lawson whilst Casey had been having surgery but he wasn't going to just leave it up to the doctor to help Casey talk about it.

"What are your thoughts on Nesbitt?" he asked carefully.

"Let's just see what happens. Can't change anything, can I?" Casey said apathetically.

"What if he gets released?" he was pushing Casey now, he didn't think it was right that he was being so indifferent about the situation.

"When my mom got out on parole she could barely do anything," Casey replied, "I'm not scared Nesbitt."

"Ok," Severide accepted unwillingly.

_Park_

"You all right?" Severide questioned as he walked beside Casey, who was still limping on his right leg the next day. That morning he'd had his physical therapy appointment, it had gone well and he had been informed that it wouldn't be long before he was back at work but he still needed to take it easy for the next few days.

"Fine," he replied stiffly. He'd left the crutches in the back of Severide's car not wanting to be seen with them but his friend had insisted he brought them along.

"Lieutenant," Herrmann called over cheerfully, he was sitting with Mouch, Otis, Kidd and Brett. "Move up guys," he instructed everyone.

"Guys," Casey smiled as he sat down careful not to jar his leg.

"Miss us?" Herrmann grinned.

"Miss you guys? After one shift? No," he teased.

"We were under strict instructions not to get you any get well cards," Herrmann glanced at Severide. "But we have saved you this for today," he motioned Brett who then lifted up a crate of beer.

Casey grinned. "Thanks… you all want some now I assume. Have at them then," he took one for himself. Severide gave him a look, he knew why, he'd taken a couple of painkillers before they left. 'It's fine,' he mouthed as he cracked open the bottle.

"I'm gonna grab something to eat," Severide stated. he'd not taken a seat at the table and Casey was doing just fine on his own, he knew he should be used to it by now but in the back of his mind he was constantly worried that something would hurt him, that someone would say something. He felt like he wasn't needed anymore and oddly he missed that. During Casey's first few months back at work he was constantly checking on him, a subtle glance between them, a quick nod, but now it was like he was determined to prove he didn't need checking on. He wanted to prove to everyone that he didn't need anyone's help but no one thought he needed to prove anything, he was great at his job and great with his men, he only wanted to prove to himself that he could get by just by without Severide.

Severide left and Casey gazed after him for a moment. "You good?" Herrmann asked quietly from his right side.

Casey turned to face him and forced a smiled, "I'm good."

"I'm glad you're here," Herrmann admitted softly, last year he had been sorely missed at the BBQ.

"Thanks Herrmann," he smiled genuinely.

"So," Herrmann spoke for the whole table to hear now, "When are you back?"

"By the end of next week," he replied. "So no slacking off in the meantime," he grinned.

Severide sat with Capp and Tony once he had grabbed something to eat and half an hour later Lawson wondered into his view. "Kelly," he greeted him.

"Hey," Severide stood up, "Didn't realise you were coming!" he smiled warmly.

"Matt invited me," he explained, "Where..."

"He's over there," Severide pointed over to where Casey was sat laughing and smiling with everyone around the picnic table.

"Ah," he smiled before a frown crept onto his face.

"We're not joined at the hip," Severide said after sensing the reason for Lawson's change in expression.

"How is he?" Lawson asked out of habit despite this being a social call.

"He seems fine, happy, normal," he replied shortly.

"But you're not convinced he is?" Lawson questioned.

"I shouldn't question the fact he's happy right now," he said.

"It's only natural that you do, last year you saw him at his weakest, he was vulnerable, hurt and it can be hard to see past that," Lawson replied.

"It's weird how normal everything is now," Severide stated.

Casey looked up from the picnic table as Severide returned. "Look who I found," Severide announced.

"Hey," Casey grinned when he saw Lawson. "Glad you could come, sit down," the others moved to allow space, "This is… Daniel, a good friend, Daniel this is…" he was about to introduce everyone but they all began to introduce themselves instead. Whilst all the commotion was going on Casey looked to Severide. "Sev pull up a chair, unless we're segregating truck and squad again," he smiled.

The sun beamed down at them all; there was no wind and little shelter from the sun's rays in the park. Severide's tank top had been taken off and his chiselled chest was shown to the world, Casey only wished he felt comfortable to do the same, it would have been a nice reprieve from the sweltering weather, but he was still too self-conscious about the state of his chest, it had even taken a while to persuade himself to wear his cargo shorts, they just weren't quite long enough to cover up the white gauze pad that covered the incision point on at his knee.

Casey's stomach growled and Severide raised an eyebrow. 'I'm going,' Casey mouthed and gave him a small smile. He walked slowly over to the BBQ and buffet area that had been set up.

"Hey Matt," Dawson approached him as picked up a paper plate.

He turned round to find Dawson stood with a man he didn't recognise, "Hi."

"You're not here alone are you?" she grinned.

"Oh, no, the guys are over there," he indicated to the picnic bench.

"This is Kyle," she introduced the man who was stood beside her and ever so slightly behind her.

"Hi," he shook his hand quickly, conscious of the scars on his wrists, "I'm Casey."

"My lieutenant whilst I was training," she explained to Kyle.

"Ah nice to meet you," Kyle replied.

"Are you a fire…" he began.

"Oh no," Kyle replied swiftly, "I just have a desk job."

"Oh ok," he smiled, nodding.

Dawson was looking down at his knee, "Accident?"

"I just grazed it," he shrugged. "I should get back to the others, it was nice meeting you Kyle," he said pleasantly. He grabbed a burger and went back to the others.

After a while Lawson left and as the picnic gathering died down they decided to go to one of the local bars to end the day.

_Bar_

Severide came over to their table with two ladies on his trail. "These two girls are looking for some officers," he grinned at Casey.

"I'm an officer," Otis piped up but Casey shot him an amused look. "… I drive the truck," he offered.

"Bugger off Otis," Severide chuckled, "I'll get us some more drinks."

Casey was left alone at the table with the two ladies. "So what do you two do?" he asked to start off a conversation.

"We're both in our last year at Northwestern," the blonde supplied.

"You're students?" he blurted out in surprise. "How are old are you?" he frowned.

"Old enough," the brunette grinned.

"Drinks," Severide stated as he returned to the table.

They all spoke a little before the blonde hinted, "Our place is just down the block."

Severide grinned, "Oh yeah? Case ready to go?"

"Erm…" he hesitated momentarily, "You guys go, I'll see you at home."

"Sure?" Severide frowned.

"Uh huh," he nodded, "Have fun." They left and Casey sighed, shaking his head before taking a sip of his drink. His back ached, the stitches on his knee and hip itched and his whole leg hurt but he knew there was no way he could take anything for it after the amount he'd drank throughout the afternoon and evening.

"Can I join you?" Casey looked up to find a woman stood by him. "Sure," he smiled.

"Your friend took off pretty swiftly with those two," she stated.

He scoffed. "I don't mind. They're barely legal, I wasn't gonna go there," he grinned.

"Well I'm more than barely legal. Firefighter," she said eagerly.

"You were at the picnic?" he questioned, wondering if she had followed them all over, a lot of the guys from other houses had come along with them too.

"Uh huh," she nodded.

He smiled and raised an eyebrow, "Family or friends?"

She grinned. "Does it matter? You wanna get out of here?"

He looked her up and down, "Yes I do." He'd not a serious relationship since he had been kidnapped. The nights that he and Severide went out usually ended up in one night stands, even before Hallie he had never quite been so flippant with his relationships. And the most recent he had listened to Severides advice regarding his love life he had ended up sleeping with their temporary chiefs ex-wife, it had not gone down well. Now though he didn't have a care in the world, in those moments of post-coital bliss he forgot about everything, he enjoyed those moments, craved them even. Another benefit of his brief interactions was the lack of communication, he didn't need to explain himself, if questioned he would make up an elaborate lie about the scars that adorned his body.

_Apartment_

It was mid-morning the next day and Severide was standing in the kitchen drinking a mug of coffee when a women exited Casey's room and made her way over to the sink to grab a drink of water. "Morning," he smiled.

"Hi," she returned his smile. She glanced back at the closed door she just come from, "He's asleep but I need to get home." Severide noted the pale ring line on her finger. "Should I leave my number?" she questioned.

Severide shook his head, "Nah… I mean you can but…"

"But he won't call," she accepted with a nod, "Well, might see you guys around." The women left just as Casey appeared from his bedroom and started to walk stiffly over to the kitchen.

"So you did get some action last night then?" he grinned as he watched Casey swallow down a couple of painkillers with a glass of water.

"When'd you get in?" Casey asked.

"About three. Good night, right?" Severide replied.

"Yeah," Casey replied although his tone of voice indicated the opposite.

"Plans for today?" he asked.

"None," Casey took his drink to his room.

Severide sighed and for a moment contemplated leaving him alone but he decided to pursue him, he knocked on the door and entered immediately. "Does your leg hurt?" he questioned.

Casey was about to sit down on the chair in the corner of his room when Severide had entered. "It's manageable," he replied honestly.

"What's wrong then?" Severide urged with hesitation.

He frowned, "I'm just tired, Sev, I'm allowed to be tired." Severide was looking directly at him, he diverted his eyes away from his piecing gaze and sat down to rest his aching leg and back.

"Case…" Severide began, "We used to talk, you used to talk to me, open up to me, it's helped before."

"I'm having nightmares again. Every night," he replied casually. "Think you can help with that?" he added incredulously.

"Since when?" Severide asked. He had an inkling that Casey's nights had become disturbed once again but there had been no evidence, no screaming, no crying, no early morning trips into his own room because he was scared of his own thoughts.

"When do you think?" he snarled.

"Since you found out about Nesbitt."

He nodded, "Sorry I've been in such an awful mood."

"I've been on the receiving end of worse," Severide replied, "Doesn't help that you're not going to be at work for a few shifts?"

"No it doesn't," he agreed, "I've got a small construction job on in a couple of days at least."

"Good," Severide stated. He knew the distraction would be invaluable.

"Are you going to the parole hearing?" he questioned, "Should I go?" He'd been thinking about it for since he'd returned home from the hospital.

"I am going," Severide responded, "Do you want to go? There's no should or shouldn't about it."

"I don't want to go," he replied immediately, shaking his head adamantly, "I don't want to be anywhere near him."

_Parole Board Office_

A few days later Severide and Boden were standing outside the room that Nesbitt's parole hearing had just been held in. "I'm not sure that went well…" he sighed, "I still don't think it's fair that they're even considering parole."

"If, and I mean _if_ he gets released on parole he'll be tagged and monitored constantly," Antonio explained to the both them, "We'll also put a small detail on him for a few weeks."

"But he'll be here in Chicago, right?" he questioned. It didn't seem fair at all that he would still be within Casey's vicinity.

"Yes," Antonio replied.

Severide shook his head, "And how do they Casey's going to feel about that?" He closed his mouth before he could blurt out how his friend was already struggling with just the knowledge that one of his kidnappers could be released.

"They're not going to make the decision lightly, the prison system is overcrowded, believe it or not there are worse people than Jack Nesbitt in the world," Antonio pointed out.

"And they can't just transfer him?" he questioned incredulously.

"The system is overcrowded, not just that one prison," Antonio replied.

_Apartment_

"How was it?" Casey questioned when Severide entered their apartment. He'd been sat apprehensively waiting his return despite the fact that there would be no verdict today.

"I had to fight the urge to walk up and punch the guy, other than that it was fine," he replied stiffly.

"Does Antonio think he'll be released?" Casey asked quietly.

"He doesn't know, no one does, we'll just have to wait and find out," he explained with a sigh, joining Casey on the couch.

"How long?" Casey asked.

"Within a week," he replied.

 _Firehouse_ It was Casey's first shift back after being given the all clear by his doctor and physical therapist.  Truck 81 had been out on one call so far and most of them were now sitting around the table playing cards. Severide was looking for a spare part for his motorbike on his laptop when Boden approached him. "Kelly can I have a word?" he spoke quietly to him.

Severide followed the chief out into the empty corridor. "He's been released?" he questioned as soon as they were out of earshot.

"Yeah," Boden nodded, "I've just got off the phone with Antonio."

Casey looked up from the card game to notice Severide and Boden's sombre expression through the slats in the blinds, without a word he left the table and went straight over to the two of them. They both turned to face Casey when he appeared from the common room. They exchanged a brief glance before Severide spoke, much more calmly then he felt, "Nesbitt is being released on parole in six days."  



	4. Gunshots

Severide was sitting in the darkened lounge, it was past midnight. Nesbitt was being released in the morning and he was currently on his laptop looking at Nesbitt's parole sanctions that Antonio had emailed over to him. If that man so much as came within view of Casey he would be sorry about it, in fact Severide considered going to find the man himself to put him in his place. Even if Nesbitt had no thoughts about Casey he wasn't going to let him get away with everything he had done to Casey. His short stint in prison was not nearly enough. He doubted Antonio would give him Nesbitt's address but he would find it and he would approach him.

_"Argh!" Casey couldn't hold back his screams any longer. His chest was on fire. His wrists were slick with blood. His hands were numb. His arms were sending shots of agony around the rest his body._

_"Please…" he spoke out into the darkness. "Please…" he cried, "I don't know what you want… Please…" The door opened, the light was switched on, temporarily blinding him. "No..." he uttered when he saw the knife wielding man. "Please," he pleaded. "I don't know what you want."_

_"I already said, I do not care what you know or do not know," drolled the man._

_"Please just stop," he begged, unashamed that he had be brought to pleading. He needed this to stop, he had no idea how long he had been here, all he knew was pain and questions he didn't have the answers to. "Please," he repeated though his dry chapped lips. "I have money," he offered weakly. In truth he didn't have lots but he lived comfortably and he didn't spend his earnings frivolously._

_The man spun the small knife around in his hand, taking pleasure in Casey's distress. "I have no need for your money."_

_"Please… please just let me down…" he pleaded._

_The man cocked his head, "Let you down? It has only been ten minutes."_

_"What?" it felt like he had been hanging there much longer._

_"You heard me," the man stated, "But I will let you down. I want silence, I want no more pleases, I want silence whilst I have my fun," he grinned madly at the blade in his hand._

_Just as the man went to undo the bindings around Casey's wrists the door opened once again. "Stop! What are you doing?" it was Nesbitt. "Get out of here!" he yelled at the man, who disappointingly turned and left. Nesbitt sighed as he walked up to him, "Matthew Casey... we could have had such a good future. This is all your fault," he stated before leaving him alone in the room as it was plunged into darkness._

Casey woke with a start. He could smell the coppery scent of his own blood. He looked down at his wrists in horror, blood was dripping heavily down his arms, he could barely breathe but managed to utter an audible, "No..." he shook his head, he was still dreaming, he wasn't fully awake. The blood vanished along with the smell. "What the hell?" he muttered as he ran a hand round the scars on each wrist. He threw the bed covers back, got up and paced his room for a few moments before standing still. He stood in front the mirror, his boxers had slipped down revealing his hip bones. He traced the scars that adorned his chest, he could still feel the blade slicing, he could still see the blood seeping from the wounds.

"Case?" Severide knocked at his bedroom door, "Didn't wake you, did I?"

"No," came his quiet reply.

"Can I come in?" Severide asked and once given permission he entered. He room was brightly lit as usual but unlike usual he found Casey standing in front of his mirror.

"Think I'm losing it," Casey scoffed completely nonchalant about his state of undress in front of Severide. Their apartment was the only place he felt comfortable walking round with any of his scars on show.

Severide was taken aback, he wasn't used to such forthcoming information from Casey and wasn't entirely sure how to proceed. "Debatable whether you ever had _it_ ," he went for humour and Casey smiled.

"Why you up?" Casey asked, he didn't want to think about what had just happened to him.

"Couldn't sleep," he supplied.

"That's my line," he smiled tiredly. Severide glanced up and down at him, taking in his loose boxers. "I know," he said sadly, he shrugged, "Not my fault really, it's this week, tomorrow… I'm just…"

"Stressed," Severide supplied. Worry and stress had increased Casey's running, despite Severide's own worries about his recent surgery, and decreased his appetite. Even though his relentless running had resumed Casey insisted his leg felt better than ever, sure it would ache after he ran but there was little pain and the other ached just as much.

"I woke up with blood on my hands," Casey divulged suddenly, he turned from his reflection in the mirror to Severide.

"You _are_ losing it," Severide repeated lightly.

"I wasn't joking," he scoffed.

"You must have been half asleep, waking up from a nightmare," Severide reasoned.

He nodded, "Yeah."

"Usual nightmare? Or different?" Severide asked.

"Don't remember," he replied.

_Humboldt Park_

Severide jumped out the squad rig and walked up to Boden, Truck 81 were already deep in the action, and the squad crew had just come from another call. "Where do you want us chief?" he asked.

"Casey and Herrmann are just searching the last floor for victims, just hold tight," Boden responded.

In the building Herrmann and Casey crept along the corridor on the top floor, visibility was nearly nothing and so far they'd come up empty, there had been no residents in any of the rooms. There were just two rooms left. "Herrmann take that door," Casey ordered and he took the last door remaining. He kicked it in and entered calling, "Fire department! Is anyone there?"

Outside the building Boden along with the rest of the crews waited. _"81 can I have an update?"_ Boden questioned into the radio.

 _"My last room is clear chief,"_ Herrmann replied.

 _"Head out Herrmann,"_ Boden ordered. _"Casey?"_ he asked. There was no response. _"Casey?"_ he repeated but again he was met by silence. _"Herrmann do you have eyes on Casey?"_

 _"I'm head…"_ Herrmann began but he was interrupted.

The sound that rang through the air caused Severide's heart to skip a beat and his breath to catch in his throat. Two gunshots had sounded.

 _"Casey?!"_ Severide called frantically into his radio. He readied his mask but Boden stopped him from running straight into the building, and he got Otis to call in for the CPD.

 _"Herrmann? Casey? Do you copy?"_ Boden called. _"Copy,"_ Herrmann replied quietly, _"The shooter's gone straight past me, I'm going for Casey."_ The next minute of silence felt like hours as they all waiting. _"Severide I need you,"_ Herrmann's voice came through the radio.

"Go," Boden said to Severide, "Not got long before we lose to this fire. You've got a minute."

It didn't take long for Severide to get up to the second floor. "Herrmann?" Severide questioned through his mask when he reached the end of the corridor.

"I grabbed him but…" Herrmann explained as Severide entered the room, he hadn't known what to expect, he still didn't know if Casey had been shot but Herrmann didn't know either as Casey hadn't let him anywhere near.

"Case?" Severide gently took hold of Casey's shoulders. "Herrmann get out of here," he ordered back, still focused on Casey. "Case? Can you hear me?" he looked for any sign that he had been hurt but could find none. "Case we've got to get out of here, you're in the middle of a fire," Severide spoke clearly.

The word fire brought Casey back. "Sev?" he almost looked shocked that Severide was standing in front of him.

"Let's go!" Severide yelled.

Boden let out a breath of relief when Casey and Severide exited the building looking no worse for wear. "Brett," he called for her to check Casey over.

As soon as Brett approached him Casey shook his head, "I'm not hurt."

"Just come and take a seat lieutenant," Brett smiled warmly, nodding encouragingly.

Reluctantly Casey sat down at the back of the ambulance. Brett helped him out of his turnout coat. "See, I'm fine," he spoke.

"You're still breathing erratically, did you take in much smoke?" she asked. He shook his head. "What happened?" she questioned.

Casey looked over to where two men were being put into the back of a police car. Severide was with them but Casey could see him glancing over every so often. He shrugged after a few moments. "Trying to get all their drugs out of there when I burst into the room..." he frowned, "Not really sure what happened after they…"

"Did you hit your head?" Brett questioned, concerned he had little memory of the events that had just taken place.

"No I just…" he hesitated, "The gun it…" The gun pointed at his face had triggered a memory. The last time he had had a gun pointed at his head he thought he was about to die, it wasn't just an empty threat like it had been just now.

"Ok," Brett nodded with a small smile, she understood what had happened, "Well you are all right. Don't worry, we're not going to cart you off to the hospital but I do think you should just sit here for a bit and let everyone else deal with the fire, deal?" "You're not gonna let me get back up, are you?" Brett crossed her arms and smiled, "Nope."

_Firehouse_

Severide walked into Casey's quarters without knocking. When Squad 3 had arrived back from overhaul he spotted Herrmann who had informed him that Casey had gone straight there as soon as they'd got back from the call earlier on.

"I'm good," Casey spoke up as soon as Severide invaded his room.

"You're sitting on the floor of your office," he pointed out.

"I'm sitting on the floor of my office coping," Casey explained.

"Can I join you?" he asked and sat down beside him before Casey could reply.

They sat in a comfortable silence until Casey spoke quietly, "I froze."

"Anyone who had a gun pointed at their head would," he argued.

Casey shook his head, "Not like that. I couldn't think… I used to get myself out of situations like that but I couldn't… I couldn't even speak."

Severide replied, "Case there's nothing…"

"And when he fired it I wasn't there," he scoffed, "If you guys didn't come I… I just went away, back to that room, I thought my leg…"

"Case…" Severide began.

"Nothing you say is going to make this any better, I just need to get past it, make sure it doesn't happen again."

"It's so unlikely you'll ever be in a situation like that again," Severide countered.

"But what if I am, what if Herrmann or Mouch… or anyone else is with me and I can't help them?" he got up from the floor before Severide could say anything more and left for the locker room.

Freshly showered Casey walked up to Boden's office and waited a moment before he was motioned inside. He spoke as he walked up to the desk, "Chief I want to…"

"Are you ok?" Boden asked sincerely, it wasn't what Casey had been expecting.

"I want to apologise," Casey continued, "I understand if you can't have me here, I'm…"

Boden held up a hand to silence him, "Matt are you all right?"

"I'm good. I'm sorry," he replied.

"I've known many men who have frozen when they've had a gun pointed at them, fired near them, you have a valid reason," Boden stated.

"Severide risked his life coming into the building, Herrmann was in there longer because of me," he pointed out.

"You and I both know I would have pulled Herrmann out if I didn't think there was time, and I wouldn't have let Severide go in if I didn't think he would come out," Boden reassured him, "Now, do you want to take the rest of the shift off?"

"No, I am good, I'm fine," he replied, shaking his head. "And I'd rather not be on own," he admitted.

"Nesbitt?" Boden questioned.

"I ruined his life, sent him to prison," he said.

Boden frowned; somehow Casey had managed to turn the situation around in his head when in fact it was Casey's life that had been changed forever because of Nesbitt's actions, the man was just being punished for it. "You don't feel safe? He's under surveillance, he has an ankle monitor, he's not allowed anywhere near here or you apartment."

"I know… it's childish I guess, but I just don't want to be on my own right now," he shrugged.

"It'll get easier," Boden assured him.

"Yeah," he nodded but he didn't believe it, "That's what everyone says."

_Apartment_

A week later Severide returned home after having spent most of the morning at the gym. He found Casey sat at the dining room table with a small silver box in front of him; it was open and the contents inside could be seen. "Casey…" he began, he wanted to explain himself but he couldn't find the words.

"I wanted to borrow your electric razor and I found this in your drawer," Casey stated.

"The razor's in the other set of drawers," he replied without taking his eyes of the object in front of Casey. He couldn't read him right now, he didn't know what he was thinking or how he was going to react.

"How long have you had it?" Casey wasn't talking about the razor.

"My dad gave it me more than ten years ago," he replied.

"It's always been here? And at our old place?" Casey asked.

He nodded, "It's not like I sleep with it under my pillow or even in the nightstand."

"You know how to use it?" Casey questioned.

Again he nodded, "Yeah, haven't for years, more used to my dad's rifle at his cabin than this."

Casey studied the gun in its case, "My dad had one, my mum killed him with it." Severide was still unsure of Casey's thoughts on the discovery of the weapon. "I was never allowed near it," Casey continued, "Wasn't even allowed to look at it, that just made me curious, took it out of my parents room, went out into the garden, aimed it at the top of the tree, my dad got home, I'd never been told off so much in my whole life, never even thought about going near it again."

"If you don't want it in the house…" he began apologetically, realising now that he probably should have asked his roommate about keeping a weapon in their apartment.

"Can you show me how to use it?" Casey asked.

"What… erm…" he hesitated; he hadn't been expecting that question, "Yeah, sure, of course, we can go to the gun range tomorrow?"

"Thanks," Casey stood up from the dining room table, closed the box and asked, "Do you want some lunch?"


	5. Nesbitt

_Apartment_

The trip to the gun range had not gone well and in hindsight Severide should have known.

"I'm sorry," Casey apologised again, he'd done nothing but apologise since they'd left.

"It's fine," Severide replied for what felt like the eight time as they entered their apartment.

"I thought it would be all right," he responded.

"I know," Severide nodded, "Maybe another day, hey?"

"Yeah maybe," he shrugged but he had no intention to repeat the experience again. Casey hadn't been at all worried about going, in fact he'd been looking forward to it, but as soon they'd arrived there his chest tightened. He had flinched at the sound of gunshots. The noise alone had flooded his head with images of Katya, images of the barrel of the gun, images of his leg dripping in blood.

Severide opened the fridge and spoke up, "I'm gonna finish off that pizza from last night, you want some?"

"Nah I'm going to go for a run," he said simply.

"Ok," Severide smiled

It had nearly been a week since Nesbitt's release and he had been worried that Casey wouldn't want to go out on his own. He'd originally taken to joining Severide at gym so he was pleased Casey was now willingly leaving on his own, he'd been worried how much Nesbitt was going to set him back. Casey had no constructions jobs on at the moment and had set himself the challenge of refitting the main bathroom, something he had not done before as he had little plumbing experience; it was a good distraction from his worries.

Less than an hour later Casey was back.

"That was short?" Severide questioned, frowning as he looked up from the magazine he was reading.

"Was it?" he acted surprised. He had cut his run short for a reason. He could have sworn someone had been following him in a black estate car. He had tried to shake it off as paranoia but he'd looked back four times on different streets to find the car either stationary or moving behind him. Nesbitt wasn't allowed anywhere near this part of the city, the police would be alerted if he stepped outside of his boundaries.

Later that day Severide heard a curse from inside the bathroom.

"Case?" he approached the closed door curiously.

"Don't open the…" Casey began but it was too late, Severide had already opened the bathroom door.

"Casey you've flooded the bathroom." He couldn't help but grin at the scene he'd walked into. Casey was sitting on the floor by the corner of the room where the water was slowly pooling out of an open pipe. With a bemused looked across his face Severide asked, "Shouldn't that be attached to something?"

Casey sighed, "Can you turn the water off please."

Severide returned back to find Casey still sat on the wet floor, his right leg stretched out in front of him and his other bent. "Sorted?"

"Need to go to the store," Casey stood up.

"You need to change then," he chuckled.

Casey looked down at his wet jeans, "Right," he smiled.

"Grab some milk whilst you're out as well, will ya?" Severide asked.

_Grocery Store_

Casey had been to the hardware store to get some supplies for the bathroom and was currently stood in one of the refrigerated aisles in a nearby store. He grabbed a carton of milk and picked up some fresh vegetables before making his way to the checkout.

As the cashier scanned his items something caught the corner of Casey's eye, he frowned and looked out the shop front to find the same black car he had seen earlier on in the day. There was no one sitting inside, he cast a quick look around but saw no one suspicious.

He walked back to his truck with the bag of groceries, cautiously glancing over at the black car; it was definitely the same one he'd seen before. His heart almost stopped when he heard footsteps close behind him.

"Matthew Casey?" a man questioned.

Casey swallowed the lump in his front and turned around slowly.

"This is for you," the man handed him a brown envelope and left.

_Apartment_

"Hey," Severide greeted when he heard the front door open. "You get what you need?" he called through the apartment. There was no response. He stood up and saw Casey walked into his room. Casey closed the door behind having left the groceries and part for the bathroom on the kitchen worktop. Severide waited patiently and a few moments later Casey stepped out of his room and handed Severide a short letter. "He's not meant to contact you," Severide stated after scanning the paper.

"But he has," he replied.

"We need to call Antonio," Severide said.

"No," he shook his head quickly. He didn't want to involve them in his life again.

"Are you insane?" Severide raised his voice, "That man wants to meet you!"

"I don't see how telling Antonio is going to make a difference, he's already being monitored constantly," he said.

"Do _you_ want to meet him?" Severide questioned.

"No," he replied immediately. The thought of even seeing Nesbitt again made him queasy. "Can we just ignore it? I just want to get past all of this."

"All right," Severide accepted but his acceptance only happened because he had an idea of his own. He didn't know where Nesbitt was staying but the man had just given him a location and a time. _Firehouse_

"You all right lieutenant?" Cruz asked as he sat down at the squad table.

Severide was slumped in his chair. "Fine," he dismissed.

"Sure?" Cruz questioned, "You've been distracted all day."

"I'm fine Cruz, everything is fine," he stood up. He went to his quarters leaving Cruz unconvinced.

Casey grabbed a can of pop out of the fridge and was suddenly face to face with Cruz. "Something's up with Severide."

He frowned. "Ok…" he replied, almost questioningly.

"Just thought you'd know why," Cruz shrugged.

"I don't," he replied apologetically before heading off to find Severide.

Severide motioned him into his quarters, "You all right?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," he said.

"I'm…" Severide hesitated before deciding to divulge the truth, something he always insisted Casey did. "I've just got a lot going on at the moment."

"Can I do anything?" he asked sincerely.

"No," Severide sighed, "It's fine, nothing you or anyone else can do."

"Oh all right," he said a little deflated and turned to leave.

"Case, I would ask for your help if it was something you could help me with," Severide assured him.

_Bridge Underpass_

"Nesbitt," Severide spoke as he walked up to the man the next day. The sky was darkening and the underpass was artificially lit.

"Kelly Severide," Nesbitt greeted with displeasure

"What do you want?" Severide asked, getting straight down to the point.

"No Matt?" Nesbitt questioned despite his obvious absence.

"What do you want?" he repeated.

"I want to talk to Matt, man to man," Nesbitt stated.

"Obviously there's no chance in hell that will ever happen," he snarled.

"How is he?" Nesbitt asked without any sympathy.

"Listen," Severide edged closer to him, threateningly, "I'm only here to tell you stay the hell away from him."

"That's what this is for," Nesbitt lifted up his trouser leg to reveal the ankle monitor, "So you're here because Casey didn't want to contact the cops. Guess that's what got him in trouble last time."

"I'm here to warn you to stay the hell away from him, if you try anything I _will_ kill you!" He pushed his arm onto Nesbitt's chest and forced him back onto the graffiti covered wall.

"And I'm here to warn you that those friends of mine that your pal got locked up, they have bigger friends, powerful friends, and they are not happy, so don't even bother trying anything," Nesbitt asserted, pushing Severide's forearm away.

"So what? You wanted Casey to come here so you could just threaten him? With what? Nothing. There's no one here. You're pissed because you ruined your own life and now you want to get back into Casey's? For what? If you contact him again I will go to the cops, if you go anywhere near him, I will kill you," he threatened.

"You'll be joining me in prison then," Nesbitt retorted.

_Apartment_

"I thought we were going out tonight? Why are you so late?" Casey asked as soon as Severide walked in. He wanted to tell him that he'd been worried but he didn't want to seem overbearing, he didn't want him to think he'd been sat at home waiting for him to arrive back, he'd only said he was going to see some friends for lunch, Casey hadn't expected him to be out so long.

"We can still go out and it's barely nine," he shrugged.

"I'll go out on my own, you don't need to come," Casey responded despite the fact he'd been waiting for his roommate to return home so they could go out together. Before Severide had chance to reply Casey grabbed his keys and left. The fact that Casey constantly tried to prove himself to everyone around him, even to himself, annoyed Severide to no end.

That night Casey went out and didn't come home, he woke up confused and disoriented in an apartment that was not his own and when he made it home Severide was there on the phone to Antonio. "He's back, he's fine," Severide put the phone down. "I called you?" he spoke to Casey.

"Battery died," Casey replied innocuously.

"You didn't think to let me know that you weren't going to come home?" he questioned.

"My battery died before I ended up sleeping somewhere else," Casey explained.

"I'm supposed to be the reckless one Casey, a few months ago…" he began

"A few months ago I wouldn't want to go out without you? Well time's passed, I'm moving on, I'm not going to let men behind bars and a man tracked constantly by the cops keep me stuck…"

"You're being reckless, you'd never have done this before!" he raised his voice.

Angry now Casey yelled back, "Before I was tortured for nine days? I like getting drunk, I like having sex, I like…"

"Forgetting?"

"I will never forget! Ever!" he yelled. "Stop…" he sighed, speaking calmly now, "Why are we arguing? I don't want argue."

"Because I was worried about you," Severide admitted. Casey wasn't one to go out for a night on his own, that was Severide, he went out with friends, he didn't go out to drink on his own and get laid. It wasn't Casey and it felt like it was thoughtless of him to do it when Nesbitt was out of prison

Casey frowned and then it clicked, "You met Nesbitt."

"Yes," Severide admitted.

"Why?" he questioned.

"I needed to know what he wanted," Severide replied.

"What did he want?" he asked.

Severide shrugged, "To see you, no chance that'll happen though."

"That's all he said?" he frowned.

"Yeah." Severide omitted the warning that Nesbitt had given, Casey didn't need to know, it was most likely an empty threat so why even worry him by mentioning it. "When are you seeing Lawson next?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Next week," Casey replied.

"Do you think it would be a good idea to talk through this whole Nesbitt situation with him, about what happened on shift the other day?" he questioned.

"I'm guessing you think IT would be a good idea?" Casey questioned. "Look, I'm all right, you think I'm going to break but I'm not. You need to stop worrying about me, about Nesbitt, about everything. just stop because if I'm in trouble, if I think something's wrong I will tell you, I showed you the letter, didn't I?" It was true, in the past Casey wouldn't have shared his thoughts and worries freely but he did now, he trusted Severide implicitly and would continue to do so. "We should tell the cops about Nesbitt, shouldn't we?" Casey sighed.

"What's changed your mind?" he asked.

Casey was worried that Severide would do something hasty and rash just because he didn't want to get involved with the police again. Getting involved with them last time had not done him any good but he would regret it if Severide put himself in harm's way because of his unwillingness to go to the police. "We should just tell them," Casey replied.

_Precinct_

"You should have informed me as soon as you'd been contacted," Antonio stated.

"Casey didn't want to," Severide explained

"Casey isn't in his right mind, you need to tell us if anything happens, it's for his own safety," Antonio replied with exasperation.

"Well I'm here telling you now, aren't I?" Severide countered, "This is Casey's life, it's his choice."

"What did Nesbitt want?" Antonio asked.

"Nothing," he replied.

"Nothing? I don't believe that," Antonio questioned incredulously.

"Other than asking for Casey and saying he had more friends in high places, nothing," he admitted.

"Friends in high places? Sounds like an empty threat, all their backgrounds and contacts were checked out during the investigation," Antonio replied.

"I think he just wanted to worry Casey, there was no one with him, he wasn't at all surprised he didn't show up," he said.

"Kelly I know you want to protect your friend but you need to be careful, don't do anything reckless, Nesbitt is rocking the boat, seeing what he can do, don't be intimidated by him," Antonio warned.

"Intimidated by him? I'm not intimidated by him," he replied.

"You're concerned that he's going to do something to Casey, he isn't, it's impossible for him to do so, we know where he is at all times," Antonio said.

"If anything happens to him, anything at all, I can't promise I won't do something I'll regret so you better be keeping your eye on Nesbitt," Severide stated.

_Apartment_

"Bathroom still flooding?" Severide asked jovially as he entered the apartment.

"I've had a breakthrough," Casey emerged from the bathroom with a grin on his face, "Fixed it."

"You gonna add plumber to your least of expertise now?" Severide laughed.

"Nope," he smiled, "What did Antonio say?" he asked, his smile faded.

"Not to do anything reckless," Severide replied.

"You're intending to do something reckless?" Casey frowned.

"If he contacts you again, maybe," he said honestly.

"He won't," Casey replied.

"You sound very sure," Severide noted.

"Why would he?" he shrugged, "It's all over now, he doesn't think I know something so why would he need to contact me again?"

"Why did he need to in the first place? He had nothing to say," Severide countered.

"I ruined his life, sent him to prison, I'm sure he just wanted to reiterate that," Casey explained.

"You're in a very positive mood," he stated.

Casey smiled and admitted, "I called Lawson."  
  
"Ah so you do take my advice sometimes then," Severide grinned.


	6. Paranoia

_Shopping Mall_

"So, we just stand here?" Borelli spoke up.

"You better hope that's all we do," Mouch said grimly.

"Casey, Severide," Boden called them over, there was a member from the bomb squad and a police officer stood with him.

"Chief?" Severide questioned.

"We're about to deactivate the bomb, it seems fairly simple, we'll keep you updated," the man from the bomb squad told them all.

"Seems," Severide repeated and exchanged a bemused glance with Casey.

Casey was stood back with his men when he noticed a very similar car waiting behind the perimeter line, he motioned to it and asked Herrmann, who was stood beside him. "Did you see that car this morning at this house?" he asked.

Herrmann turned to see the car his lieutenant was looking at, he shrugged. "Didn't notice it," he replied, "Why?"

He shook his head, "No reason."

_Firehouse_

Severide found Casey stood looking out onto the drive, seemingly lost in thought. "Waiting for someone?"

Casey jolted, shocked that Severide was suddenly next to him.

"Sorry…" he apologised and Casey looked at him expectantly. "Waiting for someone?" he repeated.

"Oh, no," Casey replied, he turned away.

"Casey?" He wanted to stop him from walking away, he'd been so distant from him during the last couple of weeks, since he'd been to see Nesbitt, since he'd spoken to Antonio. Casey didn't stop. Severide grabbed his forearm. The fear in Casey's eye's caused him to drop the arm as if it had burnt him.

"Sorry," Casey muttered but moved his arm tightly to his side.

Severide shook his head dismissively, "What can I do? I said I was sorry about meeting…"

"I'm not bothered, honestly," it was the truth.

"Then why are you being like this?" Severide asked.

"Being like this?" he frowned.

"Something's wrong," Severide stated.

"Something?" Casey smiled, trying to break the tension that had built between them over nothing, "Nothing's wrong, you're being paranoid." But it was Casey who was scared that he was paranoid. His nightmares hadn't abated.

_The buckle of his jeans was easily opened; he struggled as they were slipped down to his ankles. "Strip him and do what you wish," the words span repeatedly round his head. He gagged on the blood in his mouth. There was a sticky trail making its way from his nose to his chin. He didn't have the strength to move, trapped underneath the balding man, his struggles lessened and ceased. There were tears streaming down his face, making tracks in the dirt and blood. He whimpered involuntarily and a hand clamped down on his mouth and yet another threat._

_"Please don't," he begged as the man traced his hips and torso under his shirt. His words only got him a blow to the side, he had no way to protect himself as this fist landed on his tender chest. Another threat poured out the mans mouth as Casey's top was torn open. The mans hands were back on his hips, he clamped his eyes shut and his boxers yanked from his waist down to his ankles. Then he felt nothing and heard nothing other than his own hitched breaths until the door was slammed shut. He opened his eyes to darkness and forgetting about the pain in his arms he pushed himself over and threw up on the floor._

"Lieutenant?" Borelli was stood at his door.

"Are you all right?" Casey asked although it looked like his candidate was about to ask the same of him.

"Yeah," he nodded, "I was just coming to say dinner's ready."

"Thanks, be there in a minute," Casey replied. He joined everyone in the common room and his silence didn't go unnoticed by Severide. Casey picked at his dinner as he sat worriedly thinking about how the flashback occurred out of nowhere, there'd been no trigger, he'd just been in sat in his quarters finishing up on some paperwork when all of a sudden he was back in that dark room.

_Apartment_

_"Matt?"_ Christie sounded shocked to receive a call from him.

"Hey Christie," he greeted her; he was sat on the sofa with the TV on mute as he made the phone call. _"How are you?"_ she asked, her voice laced with concern, he rarely called her.

"I'm good," he smiled into the receiver, "How are you?"

 _"Great Matt,"_ she replied.

"It's Violet's birthday soon. I just wondered if there was anything specific she wants?" he asked.

" _You don't have to do that Matt,"_ she said.

"Yes I do," he replied, "If there isn't anything she's after I can pick something and come round when it's a good time for you both?"

Soon the phone call was over and he was sat watching the TV again. Severide was out and would be back late if he even came home at all. He was out with someone he'd met the other night and Casey had declined the offer of a double date, partly because he didn't want to go out and find someone to take, someone that inevitably he wouldn't want to see again.

It was getting late when he heard the front door handle rattle, he assumed it was Severide returning but when he couldn't hear the jangle of keys he grew concerned.

"Kelly?" he questioned.

There was no response. The door handle stopped rattling. He knew in that instant it wasn't Severide. His chest tightened and he stepped back away from the door. In his head vivid scenarios ran a muck. He panicked. He could barely breathe and suddenly he found he couldn't move. He'd hit the wall and could move back no further. The door handle rattled once more. His legs could barely support him and he slid down onto the floor. He saw a shadow through the curtain and heard a scrape on the window. Then there was nothing until the door handle started rattling once again. He put his hands over his trying to do drown out the sound in the hopes of stopping the thoughts of kidnappers and guns overtaking his head.

Severide staggered into the apartment in the early hours of the morning and found Casey on the floor with his hands pressed tightly over his ears, muttering to himself. Severide couldn't make out what he was saying. He approached him cautiously, Casey hadn't noticed him arrive, he didn't want to shock him. It amazed him how small and young Casey looked back up against the wall, his blond hair all over the place, with his light blue loose shirt and baggy jeans, and his pale skin poking out above the waist band. His left leg was held tightly to his chest, his right was drawn up as much as it could after all the damage it had received.

"Matt?" he edged over to him and slowly knelt down so he was level with him, "I'm back, I'm home, what happened?" Happy that Casey was aware of his presence and wasn't shocked by his sudden appearance he smiled when Casey let his arms drop to his side and lifted his head up. "What happened?" he repeated, he assumed Casey had had a nightmare.

"Someone was trying to get in," Casey muttered wearily. "Need to check the doors and the windows," he stated.

"Ok," Severide said, accepting that Casey would feel safer with the knowledge that he was safe here at home even if it had all just been in his head. He returned to Casey, who was still sitting on the floor, "Everything's fine, no one was ever there and no one other than us can get in."

"You're sure?" he looked up with watery eyes.

"I'm sure," Severide smiled, "Are you ok now?" Whenever Severide saw him like this he just wanted to reach out to him, comfort him as he had done after his nightmares over a year ago but things were different now, Casey's defences were back up and fully functional. Their relationship had changed over the course of Casey's recovery but now a lot the time Severide wasn't sure if he could approach Casey in the same way, he didn't want to anger him, he didn't want his friend to think that he was thought of as weak even though that was the last thought in Severide's mind when it came to Casey.

Casey nodded, "I'm fine."

 _Therapy Room_ Casey was sat in silence on the sofa in Lawson's office, today was his scheduled monthly appointment, of course he could call Lawson if he wanted, and he could make more appointments he needed. "Talk to me, Matt, what are you thinking? What's going on?" Lawson urged.

Distressed Casey ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't get any sleep last night," he stated and Lawson just sat in silence and waited for him to continue in his own time, "I'm not sure I should be at work."

"Because you didn't sleep last night?" Lawson knew it was his only reasoning he just needed Casey to admit what he was worried about.

"Nesbitt being out," he stated. "It's messed me up, I mean I was already messed up but… I'm paranoid," he admitted as he sat there agitatedly running his hand through his hair, unconsciously scratching at his arm, his neck. "I swear I keep seeing the same car following me around but if I mention it no one's seen it before, I thought someone was trying to break into the apartment yesterday but no one was."

"I think you're stressed and tired and I think that thinking that you're paranoid is making you more stressed and tired," Lawson said. He sighed. "How long has it been since you stopped taking your meds?"

"Two weeks ago Kidd saw me taking them in the locker room, asked if she could have some 'cause she had a killer headache, said they weren't painkillers," he admitted.

"So you stopped taking them. Do you see the effect now? The correlation between them and your mood?" Lawson questioned.

"I was doing just fine," he said.

"You were doing just fine whilst you were taking them. Did you throw them away?" Lawson asked. Casey nodded. "I'll write a refill script for you."

"I was having nightmares before I stopped taking them," Casey admitted.

"But now you're having intrusive thoughts again, flashbacks?" Lawson questioned.

"Yes," he replied.

"There's nothing wrong with taking the meds, we've discussed it before Matt, thousands of people take them every day," Lawson said.

"I know," he sighed, "It was just… I'm their leader, I can't be seen as weak, like I can't cope."

"The last thing anyone thinks of you is weak Matt," Lawson replied.

He shrugged, changed the conversation. "I called my sister," he stated.

"Good," Lawson smiled.

"She was a little surprised that I called and kept asking if I was all right," he said, "But I'm going to go along to my nieces birthday party in a few weeks."

"That's good, is your mom going to be there?" Lawson asked.

"She's been invited but who knows," he grinned but Lawson saw something in his eyes.

"You don't want her to be there," Lawson stated.

"No I don't or maybe I do… I don't know," he shrugged, "I love her but she never came and saw me when I was hurt, when I was stuck in hospital. It's selfish I know but it's the truth; I wish she had come and seen me."

"It's not selfish, she's your mom, of course you wanted her when you were hurt," Lawson replied.

_Firehouse_

The truck was pulling into the firehouse when Casey saw the same car once again. It was parked on the roadside outside the firehouse where he'd noticed it before only this time there was a man stood by it wearing a suit and tie. Casey didn't say anything. He jumped out the rig as before Otis even turned off the engine and strolled off the apparatus floor out to the car. Herrmann called after him and motioned Severide over from the squad table to follow him.

Herrmann and Severide could hear Casey before they reached him. "Who are you and what the hell are doing here?" They moved quicker, jogged round the corner to see Casey stood on the pavement seething as a car sped off.

"Casey?" Severide questioned.

"Did you recognise him?" Casey turned round and asked the two of them.

"We didn't see him," Herrmann supplied.

"That car was here the other day, I've seen it so many times in the last few weeks," Casey stated frustratingly.

"Ok," Severide accepted simply, "Let's just go back into the house, take your gear off."

Casey frowned, "I'm going to speak to Antonio after shift." He really didn't want to go and see him, didn't want anything do with him anymore but he didn't know what else to do, he wouldn't admit it to anyone but if he dealt with this on his own he was worried about the consequences.

_Precinct_

"He was at the firehouse yesterday," Casey stated.

"What did he look like? Did you get his name?" Antonio asked.

Casey shook his head. "He wore a suit, bigger build than me, he had accent… just like the men Nesbitt was working for," and then he stated, "They're up to something. Him and Nesbitt."

"Nesbitt is under surveillance, his movements are tracked, trust me Matt, if he Nesbitt was up to something we'd know about it," Antonio reassured with the same information he felt like he'd been told a thousand times.

"I trusted you before and look where that got me," Casey stood up and left.

_Molly's_

"Lieutenant," Herrmann greeted Severide jovially as he sat down at the bar, "Usual?"

"Two," Severide replied, "Casey's on his way."

"He's been to see Antonio?" Herrmann asked.

"Yeah," he nodded.

Casey walked into the bar looking less than pleased, he sat down next to Severide with a heavy sigh but said nothing and took a swig of his drink. Severide watched him cautiously knowing his meeting with Antonio had not gone well.

"You want lunch lieutenant?" Herrmann asked with a smile from behind the bar.

"Can I have my usual?" he asked and Herrmann nodded. "Thanks Herrmann," he smiled and turned his attention back to the drink he held in his hand.

"So…" Severide edged.

He removed his hand from the glass and look at his friend, "I want to contact Nesbitt, I want to meet him, I want all of this to be over, I need to know what he wants now, what they want now."

More than a little shocked at Casey's forwardness Severide replied after a moment. "Casey they don't want anything except…" he shook his head, "… I dunno… revenge probably. Stay away from Nesbit and nothing will come of it."

"They don't believe me, they don't trust me, something is going on," he stated, barely registering what Severide had just said.

"Case…" Severide began to appease him.

"You don't believe me either?" he questioned.

"It's not that," Severide replied, he sighed before admitting the truth, "He threatened you, when I met him he threatened you."

"And you didn't tell me?" he raised his voice.

"I told Antonio," Severide said.

"Then why don't they think something is going on?" he frowned, more than a little annoyed that Severide had kept that information from him during the last few weeks.

"It was an empty threat," Severide assured him.

"An empty threat? There's someone following me round, someone tried to break into the apartment!" he rushed.

"No one tried to break into the apartment," Severide responded softly, shaking his head.

Finding it difficult to hide his disappointment his voice almost broke as he spoke. "You really don't believe me?"

"Casey you had a nightmare, you'd just got yourself worked up, that's all," Severide said, trying to placate him, "I checked and there was no evidence of anyone trying to get in."

Casey sat back about to reply when Herrmann walked over and placed the plate of food he'd ordered in front of him, he stood up and spoke harshly to Severide, "You have it, I'm not hungry." He left.


	7. Bang

_Apartment 18:00_ Casey was glad to get home, he'd gone straight out to a construction job as soon as his shift had finished that morning. He sat in his truck for a moment, grabbed his phone and glanced at the screen, checking for messages before getting out. He pulled his keys out the pocket in the front of jeans, only there was no need. The apartment door was ajar. He frowned and looked around but saw no one and heard nothing suspicious. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. All the lights were off, the place was silent.

"Kel?" he called out as he switched the main light on.

There was no sign of Severide. He walked over and checked the bedrooms the bathroom. He wasn't there so why was the door open? The knot inside his chest tightened. His imagination was running wild; for a moment he thought he was going to throw up. He shook his head, took some deep breaths, and told himself there were plenty of ways to explain why the door was open and why Severide wasn't at home but he could only think of the worst explanations. He sat down on the couch and pulled out his phone.

He rang Severide's phone four times, left three messages and two texts. "Damnit," he muttered as he stood up from the sofa and began to pace the room. He made another phone call.

 _"Dawson,"_ Antonio picked up almost immediately. He'd been a little surprised that it had been Casey's name that popped up when his phone began to ring.

"I need a favour," he stated as calmly as he could.

 _"Anything Matt,"_ Antonio replied. He still felt incredibly guilty about everything that had happened to Casey as a result of him asking for help with their investigation.

"Can you track down Severide's phone?" he asked.

 _"Is everything all right?"_ Antonio questioned with concern evident in his tone.

"Everything's fine," he said dismissively.

 _"But you want me to track his phone?"_ Antonio asked warily.

"I'm meant to be meeting him, everything's been so chaotic I can't even remember where and he's not replied to my message, that's all," he shrugged.

Antonio sighed down the line _, "Sure, I'll get back to within the hour."_ So Casey waited, he'd impressed himself with his ability to lie so convincingly, he was good at avoiding conversation pretending he was fine but he was terrible at lying. He just wanted to know where Severide was, check that he all right was and that the vivid scenarios in his head were just his imagination. He didn't want Antonio involved; he thought he was paranoid enough as it was. Casey didn't want to give him any more fuel to those thoughts if it turned out that Severide had just forgotten to lock the door and had left his phone on silent. The moment Casey received a text massage with Severide's location he grabbed the keys to his truck and left the apartment.

_Apartment 21:00_

Not long after Severide arrived home to an empty apartment he used the landline to call Casey's mobile. He was sure Casey would have been home hours ago, but Casey's mobile went straight to voicemail. He called him again twenty minutes later only to hear the voicemail message once again. Something wasn't right. Severide had spent a good part of the afternoon trying to locate his cell phone and now Casey was out and seemingly uncontactable.

It was time to call Antonio. "Where's Nesbitt right now? And where's Casey? Because he's not at home and he's not answering his phone," Severide demanded.

 _"What? He was coming to meet you, I tracked your phone for him, said he was supposed to meet you but you weren't picking up,"_ Antonio replied.

Shocked Severide shook his head. "I've not had my phone since some point this afternoon, left it somewhere, thought it was in my car… oh God… where's Casey gone? Give me the address."

 _"Kelly I'll get someone to swing by and get him,"_ Antonio said with little urgency.

"Give me the address," he demanded.

Antonio read the address out to Severide, the same one he had sent to Casey a few hours ago. Only this time as he said it aloud he realised he knew this address, it was the same they'd been given when a CI tipped them off about Casey's location all those months ago.

 _"If you get there before us, don't do anything,"_ Antonio stated grimly.

There was no chance Severide would just wait for the police to turn up. He put the phone down and left.

_Office Warehouse 19:30_

Before Severide had even returned home Casey was already at the address Antonio had given him. He got out of his truck and looked around, there was no one here and seemed unlikely that Severide would be. Unless he was here unwillingly. He glanced at the open door to the building, it looked abandoned and besides his own there were no cars. He decided to ring Severide's phone one last time and as he did he heard something, moving closer to the building he heard and then saw Severide's phone by the entrance. It never crossed his mind that he was about to walk straight into a trap. He just wanted to make sure Severide was safe.

He took some deep breaths and entered the building. The fading light from the outside world did little to light up the building through its stained and broken windows. He used the light on his phone to help him find his way and counted to ten every few moments as he walked through the building. The place smelt damp and dusty, it was almost a familiar smell. A smudge of blood led him up some stairs and along a corridor. There was a heavy door open at the end of the corridor, the room it led to was lit by a flickering light.

"Sev?" he called as he entered. His heart caught in his throat, his chest tightened, he could barely breathe. He knew this room. He looked up slowly and saw a bloodied rope hanging from a pipe that ran across the ceiling. He gagged. He tried his hardest not to vomit right there and then but he dropped his phone as his stomach rebelled and he threw up and used to wall to steady himself. He managed to compose himself and started to back out of the room. This was all too familiar.

"Going somewhere?" a very familiar voice questioned.

Casey didn't want to turn around and face the man but he had little choice.

"Fancy meeting you here," Nesbitt drolled, "Nothing to say?"

Casey remained silent, his words caught in his throat, he was trembling.

Nesbitt smiled, "Congratulations by the way, I didn't think you'd follow our plan so easily." he turned slightly and spoke louder, "He's here."

Two men appeared. One Casey recognized the taller one from the car that had been following him around, he had not seen the other before.

"Where's Severide?" he demanded as Nesbitt kicked his phone out of the room.

"Do you remember last time when he was in this very room with you?" Nesbitt smiled. Casey looked up in realization. "Yeah..." Nesbitt nodded, "It's just like that; he's not here, never was."

Suddenly the room around him felt like it was shrinking, he was struggling to catch his breath once again. "The cops know where you are," he spoke, trying to calm himself down.

"Yes but I'm leaving and you're not going to be coming with me," Nesbitt responded.

"What do you want from me? I have nothing, I never had anything!" Casey yelled, surprised at his own determination in the face of Nesbitt.

"Money," Nesbitt said simply.

"I don't…" he began with a frown.

"Not your money," Nesbitt said as he glanced at the other two men.

Casey frowned "They're paying you for…"

"For you," Nesbitt nodded.

"Who…" Casey began.

"You see you put some friends of theirs behind bars, some very valuable friends and me? Well I've come out of prison with no business, no money and a very strict set of rules and you're the one to blame so it's a win win situation really," Nesbitt explained.

"It's your own fault," Casey said heatedly, "You're the one…"

"Got to go get my money, nice catching up with you Matt but you can stay here for now." Nesbitt stepped back out of the room.

"What?" he shook his head, "No…" He rushed forwards to the corridor but was pushed back into the room by the taller of the two men. A fist was slammed into his face, he immediately felt the warm gush of blood from his nose but he fought back, he wasn't going to go down without a fight, not this time. His chest was left unprotected as he fought to get out of the room and he suffered for it. Several hits to his diaphragm and ribs left him gasping for breath and he was soon pushed back farther into the room where he fell wheezing to the floor. The man walked away, Nesbitt and the broader man remained in the corridor having just watched the commotion with amusement.

Casey pushed himself up and made for the door once again but it was shut in front of him with a bang, an all too similar sound that made his head spin. He slammed his forearms on the door but it did no good, the light was switched off and he was bathed in darkness, the tightness in his chest returned and he slammed his arms on the door again and again and again before sliding down to the cold floor.

"Five, four, three, two, one…" he started counting down over and over again to calm himself down, "I'm ok, I'm ok..."

_Office Warehouse 22:00_

Severide pulled up next to Casey's truck, jumped out his car and went straight into the building. He stopped in his tracks when he heard talking coming from a small room. Through a crack in the door he saw Nesbitt, two men in suits and a silver briefcase, Casey was nowhere to be seen. From the corner of his eye he saw the light from the room glint off something red. It was blood, it didn't look fresh. He thought about waiting for the police for a split second before heading quietly up the stairs. At the end of the corridor on the next floor he saw a padlocked room, odd in comparison to all the other open doors.

"Casey?" he questioned, "Case? If you're in there, knock on the door, say…"

"Sev?" Casey questioned tiredly.

Severide sighed in relief, "Thank God, I'll get you out." He looked around but couldn't see anything to help him gain access to the room. "I'll be back in a minute, I promise." He returned with a metal rod. He used it to crack open the old lock, he dropped it and rushed into the room. "Casey!" he knelt down in front of him, "You're ok? Where are you hurt?" He brushed his hands over Casey's bloodied face and touched chest as if to make sure he was really there.

"I'm ok," Casey nodded. "I'm s…" he began to apologise only Severide shook his head stopping him.

He grinned, "Let's just get out of here." But Casey's expression changed from relief to fear in that very moment and Severide knew no more.

Casey watched helplessly as Severide's body dropped to the floor, he scrambled forwards, "Kel…"

"Get up!" the broad man who had just knocked Severide out with the butt of his gun demanded.

"I'm not going anywhere," Casey spat with determination that he never thought he'd have in the face of a loaded gun again. He felt for Severide's pulse, it was there, it was strong and steady.

Casey heard the safety of the gun click. "Get up!" the man demanded once more but Casey remained crouched over Severide trying to shake him awake.

"Don't touch him!" he yelled as the man aimed his gun at Severide's unconscious body.

"Get up or I will put a bullet in his head," the man threatened, "Or maybe his leg; I've been informed that you know how painful that is."

"Ok, ok..." resigned to his fate Casey stood up shakily with his hands out in surrender, "Just don't do anything to him, don't hurt him." The man motioned Casey over to the door. "Where's Nesbitt?" Casey asked. The other man was out of sight and if Nesbitt was gone that meant there was only the two of them keeping Casey and Severide in the building, whatever happened Casey didn't want to be taken and locked away again, he couldn't face that and he didn't want Severide to face that. He gritted his teeth and swung round with all the strength he had, the swiftness of his actions sent the man's gun flying as he pulled the trigger. The bullet just lodged in the wall and sent a deafening echo around the room. Casey knew he had to act fast, the noise would have alerted anyone that there was trouble occurring, but he couldn't move for a moment, his ears were ringing and a flood of images ambushed him.

"Casey!" Severide yelled, he'd woken up just in time to see all the chaos, "Behind you!" Turning Casey realised the other man had joined them in room aiming his gun directly at him, he fell down to the floor and was scrambling for the gun that had flung across the room moments ago but a heavy weight stopped him from moving. There was a crushing weight on his back and a vice like grip on his right wrist. Severide was now wrestling with the other man. "Case…" he began to warn him but a shot rang out into the room and he said nothing more. Casey gasped and stopped his struggling. "Deal with that one," the man who was holding him commanded.

"No!" Casey protested and struggled for release from the man. "No!" he yelled again, "Argh!" he groaned as the man's fist slammed into his temple, the world around him slowed down as the pain spiked through his skull. "Sev…" he muttered as he was dropped onto the floor. Using all the strength he had left Casey got up, swaying a little before wrestling the broad man back down to the floor, he barely knew what he was doing, there was so much commotion in the room around him and his head was throbbing fiercely, he was slamming his fist into the man's skull over and over and over, there was blood everywhere, it was coming from his nose, his mouth, his ears.

"Casey!" Severide was calling his name.

Casey stopped what he was doing and turned to face his friend who stood breathing heavily over the unconscious form of the tall man, he was very much alive. "You're ok?" he frowned, "I thought... I thought he shot you..."

"Only a graze," Severide stated. "It's over Matt," he smiled tiredly.

Wearily Casey picked up the gun from the floor. "It's over," he repeated as he looked down at the offending object in his grasp.

"It's over," Severide confirmed, "Antonio will be here any minute to arrest these sorry asses."

"You called…" Casey barely got the two words out before the man Severide had tackled moved and reached for his own gun.

_Bang! Bang!_


	8. Shock

_Office Warehouse_

Just twenty minutes behind Severide was Antonio and another police officer. They burst into the room after they heard the two shots fired. They had their weapons drawn as they entered to find Casey stood, trembling, blood splattered across his face and torn shirt. He was aiming the gun he held tightly in his hands down at one of the bodies on the floor. Severide was stood by his side, blood dripping from his arm, speaking softly to him, trying to persuade him to put the weapon down.

Antonio put his own weapon down and stepped over to the bodies on the floor, it was obvious from the splatter of brain and large exit wound that one of the men was definitely dead. He knelt down, wary of Casey still stood in shock, and felt the other man's pulse. Nothing. "Let's get an ambulance here, and roll another along to collect these," he spoke and the other officer radioed those orders across.

"The rest of the building's clear," a third officer announced from the door.

"Case?" Severide was still trying to get his attention.

Slowly Casey turned to look at Severide. "You're bleeding. Are you ok?"

"Put the gun down Matt," Severide said softly.

Shocked to the find the weapon still in his grasp Casey dropped it to the ground. "Are you ok?" he repeated staring the blood spreading down Severide's shirt sleeve.

"I'm fine," Severide said, nodding. "Why don't you sit down?" he smiled, hoping to persuade him to sit down before he fell down. He couldn't tell if Casey had been shot, he'd been so close to the man that now lay dead on the floor he had been splattered with his blood.

"Is he all right?" Antonio asked as Severide helped Casey down onto the floor.

"I don't know," he replied, trying to mask his panic from Casey. "Matt are you in pain? Did you get hit?" Casey was just sitting in shock as Severide ran his hands over his chest and arms. "You're ok Matt, you're ok," Severide reassured him as checked him over for a bullet wound. He'd been covered in so much blood it wasn't easy to tell.

"I'm sorry," Casey muttered.

Severide shook his head. "Not your fault and I'm fine," he reassured.

"You got shot," Casey stated.

"Hardly," he smiled, "Just a graze." His hands were still holding onto Casey's shoulders, he was trembling underneath them. "Think you can walk?"

"I'm not the one who's been shot," Casey stated and together they helped each other up off the floor.

"Ok?" Severide questioned when Casey faltered.

"I'm fine," he replied. But Severide noticed how stiffly he moved and how despite the splattering of blood he could tell Casey had wounds of his own that were still bleeding.

"Ambo's outside," Antonio stated, "Go get checked out, I'll speak to you both later."

_Ambulance_

"It's not my blood," Casey said as the paramedic starting questioning him.

"Some of it is," Severide provided from his seat on the other side of the ambulance. Casey was sitting on the edge of the gurney having insisted he was fine for what felt like the thirtieth time within the last half an hour.

"Don't touch me!" Severide heard Casey's panic stricken voice as a paramedic began to inspect the wound on his own arm.

"Case buddy, you're in the ambo," Severide started. The paramedic had immediately stopped taking off Casey's shirt and looked at him warily. He moved over to him. "Let's take your shirt off so the paramedic here can check you over, ok?" Casey began to lift his shirt up. He winced in pain but with Severide's help it was taken off and discarded next to him.

"I need you take a couple of deep breaths for me," the paramedic leaned closer with his stethoscope ready to listen to Casey's chest when he shot back away from him.

"Matt it's ok…" Severide began but Casey breathing had quickened and his eyes darted about the back of the ambulance. Severide shook his head, this wasn't doing Casey any good. "Can we just get him to the hospital?"

The paramedic who'd started inspect Severide's bullet wound agreed it would be best so jumped into the front of the rig. Casey calmed down enough during the short ride to the hospital to allow the paramedic to check his breath sounds and take his blood pressure.

Casey and Severide were separated when they got to the emergency room to be checked over and treated.

_Emergency Room_

"Do you know if my friend's all right?" Severide asked as the nurse sat down beside him with a suture kit.

"The guy you came in with?" she asked. He nodded. "They're just doing some x-rays."

"Where?" he asked. He wanted to get up off the gurney he was sat on and make his way to Casey, he could just imagine him panicked because of the rush of strangers around him trying to assess his injuries.

"I need to clean and stitch your arm before you can go anywhere," the nurse replied firmly. He was about to protest when he saw Doctor Lawson looking around the ER dressed in cords and a loosely fitting jumper over a pyjama top. He smiled grimly when he spotted Severide in one of the bays.

"Kelly, how are you?" Lawson asked as he approached him. Severide just nodded. "What happened?" he asked.

"Casey was right, he wasn't just being paranoid," Severide shook his head. "Sorry about the time, I just thought it was better to see him, he was funny with paramedics, I don't know how is now, they won't let me see him," he sighed indicated to the nurse who was stitching his arm.

"Is he hurt badly?" Lawson asked, he didn't know what events had transpired.

"Don't think so," he replied. "But I think… I think I found him in the same room he'd been kept in before, he was… there was…" he sighed, "He says he doesn't remember what happened."

Lawson placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Sit tight, I'll go see how he is."

After making an enquiry he found Casey sitting back on a gurney behind some closed privacy curtains. He was looking away as the nurse finished applying butterfly stiches to the cut below his right eye, the area had been cleaned but there still blood covering the rest of his face. In his bruised and bloodied hand he was holding an ice pack that he'd been previously holding up to his face. His chest was an array of bruises ranging in intensity. The nurse smiled, "There we go, all done Matt." She stood up from the stool by his bedside. "The doctor will be back soon with the x-ray results," she smiled again. Casey didn't seem to acknowledge her.

"How is he Sally?" Lawson asked quietly out of Casey's earshot.

"He hasn't said anything since he got here, had a panic attack in the ambulance," she informed him, "He's had some codeine for the pain."

"Thanks Sally," he replied. His eyes had remained on Casey who seemed completely unaware of the interaction between him and the nurse.

Lawson made a point to move the stool and settle down on it as he greeted Casey with a smile. "Hey there Matt."

After a few moments Casey wearily looked over to him. "You're wearing a pyjama top," he spoke.

Lawson nodded, glad Casey was alert. "Severide said you don't remember what happened?"

"Is he all right?" Casey asked when he heard his friend's name.

"He's…" Lawson began.

"I'm fine," Severide pulled back the curtain and walked over.

"You're ok?" Casey questioned, brows knitted together.

"Few stitches, bit of a headache. I'm good," Severide nodded. "How are you doing?" he queried as he looked at Casey's bruised chest and side.

Casey just nodded in response and Lawson spoke up. "Just waiting for the x-ray results."

'Should I go?' Severide mouthed to Lawson. Lawson shook his head so he sat down at the end of the bed. "Are you in any pain?" he asked Casey.

"Gave me something," Casey replied monotonously.

"Good," he smiled. He glanced at Lawson, he was unsure what to say; he knew Antonio would want to speak to them both soon but he didn't want to bring that up, Casey was obviously struggling with what had happened and of course he was well within his rights to do so.

"You guys don't need to sit with me." Casey forced out a smile, it looked unnatural in comparison to the sadness in his eyes.

"You're stuck with us," Severide grinned, "There's sick people everywhere else." Casey didn't so much as smile at the joke and Severide’s grin faded, he reached for Casey's hand with the intention of giving it a comforting squeeze. He looked so vulnerable lying on the gurney, topless, bruised, and pale underneath the blood, but Severide would never tell him that, he hated to be seen as weak.

Casey hastily drew his hand to himself, "Please don't." He was agitated now, on high alert again. "When can we get out of here? It reminds me of… they're not going to admit me, are they? I'm not going to be stuck here?"

"We'll know when the doctor comes back with your x-ray results," Lawson said calmly.

"I'm fine," Casey replied, trying to sit up on the bed.

"Because they've given you painkillers," Severide replied. "You know they need to make sure you've not fractured anything, or worse," he indicated to Casey's bruised face.

"It won't be long now Matt," Lawson responded. "Ah see!" he smiled as the doctor entered holding Casey's films.

"Good news Matt," the ER doctor smiled, "Chest x-ray was good, no fractures, but you already know the area around the left side of your diaphragm is heavily bruised so I'm going to prescribe some painkillers so you can still breathe normally, you don't want a hospital stay for pneumonia on top of everything else you've been through recently. The head x-ray shows a minor zygomatic hairline fracture but…"

"Minor?" Severide questioned.

"It's nothing to worry about; we can't do anything other than ice it," he indicated to the used ice bag by Casey's side, "So I'll write you a script and if it's all right with Doctor Lawson you can get out here."

Both Severide and Casey exchanged a questioning glance towards Lawson. "We're just going to have a little chat Matt," he said, nodding gently. "And then you can get home," he added. He didn't want Casey think he was going to be stuck in the hospital much longer.

Casey and Lawson were left together, very slowly Casey put his bloodied shirt back on, wincing as he did. He sighed as he thought, "Antonio will want to speak to me."

"Yeah," Lawson nodded.

"Now?" Casey questioned. He wasn't looking at Lawson, his watery gaze remained on the floor now that he was sat on the edge of the gurney.

"I don't know if he's here," Lawson replied honestly. "What happened?" he asked softly.

Casey lowered his head a little more and then looked up directly at him, "Severide was hurt because of me."

"How?" Lawson asked.

Casey hesitated before he replied. "I don't know… last think I remember… erm… the last thing I remember was Severide coming into the room and then…" he shook his head trying to get rid of the image of the two bloodied bodies on the floor.

"You don't remember but you're sure it was your fault," Lawson stated, hoping that Casey realised that it wasn't entirely his fault.

"I was stupid enough to go there, knew something wasn't right, should have told Antonio the truth then none of this would have happened," he replied quietly.

When Lawson finished speaking to Casey he left him behind the pale blue curtains and found Severide speaking to a man he assumed was Antonio when he saw the badge and the gun on his waist. Severide had told Antonio what had happened and had been told that Nesbitt was now missing, his ankle monitor had been removed and dumped.

Antonio turned to Lawson, "Can I speak to Casey now?"

"You won't get much from him; he doesn't remember anything after Kelly arrived," Lawson explained.

Antonio cast a glance over to Severide before replied, "After he arrived Casey killed the two men that Nesbitt had been working with."

Lawson was silent for a moment, a little shocked. "Then it's likely he's repressed the memories, not forgotten them," he replied.

"Ok I'll leave it for today but we'll need an official statement in the next forty-eight hours," Antonio said. "I'll call you tomorrow," he spoke to Severide before leaving.

"What happened?" Lawson turned to Severide.

"It was self-defence, he didn't do anything wrong, the guy was about to shoot me, I'd be dead if he'd not acted so quickly."

"When he remembers, tell him that, he'll need to hear it," Lawson replied.

Severide and Casey were ready to leave, they had both been given some painkillers and spare wound dressings. "Here," Severide passed Casey his jacket but he was unwilling to accept it. "You've got blood all over your shirt, I don't think the cab driver will be impressed," he smiled. Casey put it on carefully, and he was glad because despite the time of year it had got cold outside now it was early in the morning. Severide was surprised when he saw a familiar face sat in the waiting area. "Chief?"

"Antonio called me, said my two lieutenants were in the ER," Boden said seriously but his tone softened, "I'll give you a ride home." He eyed Severide questioningly when he noticed Casey's demeanour, "You're both all right?"

Severide nodded, "Will be."

_Apartment_

"Call me tomorrow, let me know how you both are," Boden said just before he left. Severide nodded in acknowledgement and led Casey inside, he'd been silent since they left the hospital, Severide had expected him to fall asleep during the journey back but Casey hadn't let himself.

"Why don't you grab a shower and I'll heat up something to eat?" he suggested as they entered their apartment.

"I'm going to bed," Casey stated simply. He walked straight past him and into his room, closing the door behind him leaving Severide to worry about just how far back the night's events were going to set Casey back.


	9. Dawson

_Apartment_

There was silence in the apartment after Severide had showered, careful not to get his stitches wet. He was standing outside Casey's bedroom door. He'd not heard anything from him since he'd shut himself in nearly an hour ago. It took ten minutes for Severide to decide to knock on the bedroom door and when there was no response he entered.

Casey was sat at the edge of his bed. He'd not washed, changed or even taken his shoes off. Severide noted the glazed expression across on his face as he walked in and sat down next to him on the bed. After a few moments Severide slowly moved his hand and placed it on Casey's arm where it lay on his lap. When Casey didn't startle or pull back he gave a gentle squeeze, reassurance to let him know he wasn't alone, that he was safe back at home, he didn't know what was going through his friends head right now but he could imagine.

They sat in comfortable silence for an unknown amount of time before Casey spoke quietly. "I don't want to sleep."

"Ok," he nodded and asked gently, "Will you shower?"

Severide watched as Casey looked down at his bloodied clothes and brought his hands off his lap slightly before trying to scrape the dried blood off. Severide took a shallow breath, concerned but not fazed by his Casey's actions.

"Have a shower," he persuaded.

Casey stood up stiffly and went to the ensuite.

"I'll be right out here," Severide said before the door was closed.

Casey took a long time showering, mainly because he spent most of the time stood still under the jet of warm water as it washed away the blood and grime. He felt numb, he wasn't thinking, he was just there under the steady stream of water. If the water hadn't caused his cuts to sting, if his body didn't ache he could hardly believe the events of the night had taken place. He felt detached from the world and he only hoped he'd remain so. His chest tightened at the thought of being back in the room he was kept in for nine days, at the sight of the gun in his hands, the dead bodies on the floor. He'd shook his head and stepped out from underneath the jet stream and for a long time just stared at his reflection in the half misted mirror, as the condensation lessened it revealed more and more of his battered body. From experience he knew he'd soon have a black eye, the bruising and swelling had already increased. The bruises on his torso had darkened and were heavier on his left hand side, combined with his contused ribs it was going to make sleeping even worse than uncomfortable. He looked down at his hands, holding the sink worktop, his knuckles were bruised and swollen and now the blood had been washed away he could see his grazed skin. He was a mess.

Severide waited patiently, he didn't interrupt him and he didn't question the amount of time he'd spent showering when he exited the room with just a towel wrapped round waist. Severide looked him up and down. "They look worse already," he stated with brutal honestly.

Casey glanced at him with a small furrow between his brows, his eyes wide and much more aware now he'd showered. Slowly he put on some boxers and pyjamas bottoms whilst he held onto the top of the drawers for balance.

Severide wanted to help but he remained sat on the bed in silence. When Casey was finished Severide spoke, "Try and get comfortable, I'll go grab a DVD if you still don't want sleep?" Severide knew Casey wouldn't want to sleep but he also knew if he got him in bed at least and stayed with him he would drift off to sleep whether he wanted to or not and right now sleep was going to be the best thing for him.

When Severide returned Casey was lying on his back, propped up slightly by a couple of pillows, he already looked half asleep. Severide put the DVD on with the volume low, he left the lights on. Casey had never gotten over his fear of the dark, it brought back too many memories and now there were only more memories of suffering, trapped in that dark room once again. He sat next to Casey on the bed and watched as he struggled to stay awake, "Case, bud, just sleep, I'm here, all the doors are locked, windows are closed, the lights are on, it's safe, just sleep."

"Don't want to remember," Casey muttered.

"I can't promise you that you won't but if you have a nightmare do I'll be here when you wake up," he replied softly.

"No..." Casey uttered, "I killed them didn't I? I don't want to remember."

"It was self-defence," he replied, "And I'm very lucky that you pulled that trigger."

The realisation hit Casey right then, he'd shot someone just like his mom had shot his dad, he didn't say anything, and Severide said nothing more.

Casey woke up groggy and in pain. He lay in bed thinking of little except his mother and his father's gun, he could never decide to kill someone like she had, yet last night he had killed two people and he could barely remember what had happened. He ran his fingers over the bruised knuckles on his right hand, he had fought so hard not to get trapped in that room again but he couldn't remember getting very many punches in, not enough to damage his hand like he had. He hadn't killed them both with the gun. He took a deep breath, trying to shake the images from his mind, and got up and out of bed, his whole body ached and his left side was in agony, he gripped it and took some shuddering breaths as he entered the rest of the apartment, he needed to get some painkillers.

"Oh Casey, just sit down," Severide said when he saw Casey emerge from his bedroom, pain written across his face. Severide fetched him the painkillers and a glass of water which he gratefully took. "Breakfast?"

"Not hungry," Casey replied. Severide shot him a look. "Not like that, I'm fine, just not hungry, I'll eat later."

"You look like crap," he spoke. Casey's bruised eye had swollen a little more as he'd predicted, the cut on his cheek was dark pink around the edges and bruised above the fracture. He was sat stiffly with his right arm gently hugging his chest hoping to ease the pain he felt there.

"You look beautiful too Sev," Casey said wryly.

That evening there was a knock at the door, slowly Casey got up from his comfortable position on the sofa and opened the door to find Dawson, "Hi Matt."

"Hi," he said eventually, getting over the shock of seeing her. He was regretting how dishevelled he looked in his loose clothes with his messy hair. He ran a hand through his hair that only served to make the unkempt look more prominent. "Uh… come in."

"Thanks." Dawson stepped inside. "Your new place is nice," she observed.

"Been here over a year now," he stated coolly.

"Right," she smiled.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked out of politeness.

"I just wanted to see how you were?" she asked hesitantly.

"How I am?" he repeated, still finding the fact that she was stood in the entrance of his apartment truly bizarre.

"You have a black eye," Dawson stated.

He nodded slowly in confirmation. "Erm yeah… fractured my cheek actually," he scoffed.

"How can you be so glib about that?" she frowned.

"Because if I don't laugh I'll cry," he said sardonically, "Look Gabby, as nice as it is that you wanna see me off duty… it's a little odd. I'm going to assume your brother told you what happened, or you found out by some other means but that doesn't give you the right to check up on me, it was hard enough when you walked out on me, hard enough when put things on hold or whatever that was," he shrugged. "So please let's just stay professional, and by professional I mean I don't have firefighters from other houses coming over to my apartment at seven o'clock at night asking how I am."

"Matt?" she was alarmed by his coldness.

"Two years ago I was terrified that us breaking up, us not working out, was my fault, I blamed myself for so long, but not anymore so please don't make this hard, don't come back because you won't stay, once I'm yours you won't stay, you'll just want something else more than me and I'm not going through that again so please don't come back." He looked her right in the eyes, searching them, he hated to upset people, he hated to upset her but he had come to learn that she wasn't good for him, wasn't good for his head, and his head was already in precarious place after recent events.

"Matt, baby, I'm sorry, it just wasn't the right time, you know that, that's why we put us on hold," she moved a hand to his arm but he stepped back away from it, "I'm sorry, and I've been out with other guys but I always think of you, but it just wasn't the right time for us, but maybe one day it will be."

"I agreed to do whatever you said, I'd still agree to do whatever you say…" he frowned, shook his head, "But I won't, I can't."

"Dawson?" Severide had decided now was a good time to come out of his room and interrupt the two of them.

"I've got to stuff to do," Casey made an excuse to turn and walk away, albeit slowly, from the conversation that he didn't think needed to take place, he'd told her his thoughts on the matter, she shouldn't be coming back here.

"Why are you here?" Severide followed Dawson out of the building and onto the sidewalk.

"I just needed a friend." Her boyfriend had broken up with her, they'd only been together since the BBQ a few weeks ago but that coupled with hearing a rumour that Casey had ended up in hospital prompted her visit.

"Casey isn't a friend," Severide said bluntly.

"He was my fiancé," she countered.

"The operative word being _was_ ," he spoke harshly but he knew what a precarious place Casey's head was in once again.

"Look, Kelly, you don't get it, you…" she began.

"I don't get it? I was right here when you left him, I've been here through all his… through everything he's gone through recently, he's good, he's worked things out and he's fine so if I have to tell you to stay away from here because you're going to break his heart again then I will," he said feeling protective of Casey. He didn't want him to go through anything else, he'd had enough pain and heartbreak for one lifetime.

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, I'm allowed to come and see if he's all right, he was hurt," Dawson replied.

"So was I," Severide said incredulously, "And you've not come out of your way to check on me."

"You're a big boy, you don't…" she started.

"So is Casey," he stated, "Don't you ever think? He has enough to get through without even considering you."

Dawson shook her head, seemingly oblivious to what she had done to Casey. "I'm not trying to do anything here, I'm…"

"You're not trying to do anything here? Then what was that speech all about? Maybe it'll be the right time for us one day?" Severide questioned. Casey had moved on from her, it had hurt and it had taken time but he had moved on. "Just go Dawson," Severide said simply. Dawson looked ready to respond but she just gritted her teeth and shook her head before getting into her car and driving off. Severide went back into the apartment to find Casey stood by one of the front facing windows. "You heard all that? She's bad news Casey, you know that."

"I can look after myself," Casey stated monotonously before entering his room and shutting the door.

Later that night Severide was sorting out his back, packing a clean set of uniform. "You're back at work tomorrow?" Casey asked when he emerged back out of; from the looks of it he had gotten no rest.

"Uh huh," Severide nodded.

"Boden said I had to have the week," Casey said with a small frown.

"Yeah well you're walking round like an old man," Severide scoffed, "And I have cut on my arm."

"You were shot," he replied incredulously, a little annoyed that Severide would be back at work before him.

"You were…" Severide stopped himself before he could continue.

"I was tricked," Casey said simply, "But I'm fine, it happened and it's all over now."

"You'll talk me though, if you have moments when you're now fine, you'll talk to me, right? Like before?"

"Like before?" Casey repeated, "Before was… before was different. This is different. I can cope with this, I couldn't before."

"Ok," he accepted unwillingly, but he knew not to push, "You will though, won't you? You'll talk to me."

"Yes Sev, if I'm not coping I will talk to you," Casey stated tediously. He began to walk away from the conversation but stopped in his tracks, turning back to Severide. "Kelly don't interrupt me," he waited a moment before continuing, "I am sorry for what happened, I'm sorry that you got hurt because my actions, my reckless actions. I'm sorry."

Severide wanted to tell him that he had no need to be sorry because it really wasn't his fault but Casey didn't need that so he replied, "I know you are."

"Good," Casey nodded.


	10. Missing

_Therapy Room_

"How have you been sleeping?" Lawson asked. Casey had been sitting on the sofa in Lawson's office for fifteen minutes giving short answers to his questions. Severide was back on shift today and he was out for two more. It made him feel incapable despite the valid reasons being given, although he could still barely move without wincing in pain but Severide had been hurt too.

"Fine," he replied.

"You sound a little surprised," Lawson noted.

"Well it was a rare occasion if I didn't have a nightmare last time I'd been stuck in that room… and this time I killed two people so yeah I'm little surprised, it has only been two nights though," he said with a small shrug of his shoulders.

"Do you remember?" Lawson questioned.

"Killing them? No. Don't worry Severide is constantly reminding me that it wasn't my fault," he scoffed, "But maybe he's wrong, I don't know what I was thinking, what I did, I don't remember." Lawson said nothing and watched as Casey expression changed from indifferent to worried. "What happens if I remember? What happens if… what happens if I'm a bad person?"

Lawson looked sadly at him and spoke honestly, "You're not a bad person Matt."

Hundreds of examples popped up into Casey's head, scenarios and situations that made him think that he wasn't the best person, that he had failed, let people down, hurt people, he falsely accused himself of all of them. "You don't know that."

"I've known you for nearly two years, you're not a bad person," he tried to reassure him.

"Two years in October," Casey stated.

"It will get easier every year," he replied.

"I won't be working this year, I think it will be harder," Casey said.

"You could go away for a few days, get out of Chicago, go fishing, hiking," Lawson suggested. He had suggested it last year as well but Casey had insisted he would be fine and he was, he had been given little time to think about the anniversary of his kidnapping, his shift had been busy and he had kept their downtime busy by drilling his crew; none of them uttered a word of complaint that day.

Casey shook his head, "I won't run away, it's just… it's just a memory now," he stated.

"I want to ask a difficult question but we need to talk about it, you need to share your thoughts and feelings so you're not alone with them," Lawson began cautiously, "Antonio gave me a copy of the police report and with Kelly's permission I read his statement as well. You were in that room for at least three hours and none of your injuries would have rendered you unconscious for that amount of time. What happened in there?"

There was something dark in Casey's eyes. He sat deadly still on the sofa, his breathing shallow, he'd been looking directly at Lawson but he couldn't keep up the act and cast his eyes downwards, "Nothing."

"I don't believe that," Lawson replied honestly, "Ok let's start with this; how did you end up in there?"

"You've read the file," he stated, "I was tricked. It was stupid."

"Why did you go to that building?" Lawson asked. He already understand why but he wanted Casey to talk through the events that had taken place so his thoughts could be processed.

"I thought Severide was in trouble," Casey replied simply.

"Because you couldn't contact him," Lawson said, "Why didn't you tell the police?"

"According to the cops I was being paranoid, according to Severide I was being paranoid, according to…" he broke off.

"And according to me you were too?" Lawson questioned.

"I know I was being paranoid, I know," he said simply, "But it wasn't unfounded."

"So you decided to handle it on your own?" Lawson asked.

Casey nodded. "I should have known it was a trap from the start. I think I did know. As soon as I walked in that room and saw… I knew that was where… where I spent those nine days, it still smelt the same, like rusting metal and… and blood." He paused for a few moments before continuing. "When I realised what was happening I tried to get out but I was too slow, too caught up in the past. Nesbitt and that guy… I don't even know their names, I killed them and I don't know their names… Nesbitt and the guy just watched like there was no way I was going to be able get past that man… I was dizzy but he didn't knock me out so when the door closed I… I screamed… I was slamming my arms on the door as if that would help." Unconsciously he ran a hand through his hair. His sleeve dropped revealing the bruising on his arm. His eyes avoided Lawson's gaze as he thought out loud. "And then I just… it felt like I was there, like any moment one of them would come through that door and hang… I couldn't think… it was… it was like I'd never left."

Lawson sat in silence as he waited for Casey to continue but after a while he said nothing. He saw the distressed look on Casey's face decided to break him out of his own thoughts. "Matt?"

He looked up and found Lawson looking at him expectantly. "Erm... then Kelly was there, it was light and Kelly was there." He thought back to that moment, it had been the last thing he could clearly remember before he was stood shakily holding a gun in his grip. He frowned. "The man was behind him… he came in after... did I warn him? Did I tell Sev? The man knocked him out and…" He shook his head again, losing the little memory he had. "I don't think I want to remember. I want to go, can I go?" he said in quick succession.

"Not yet Matt, not like this," Lawson replied. There were unshed tears in Casey's eyes, he scratching at his arm, an anxious trait Lawson had noticed in one of his very first sessions. Casey leant forwards in an attempt to relax and winced as he did. "Your ribs? You're taking your painkillers?"

He nodded, "They just seem to wear off quickly, I'm taking all my pills, don't worry."

"Good," Lawson stated, "You see why you shouldn't be back at work yet?"

"Yeah," he said through gritted teeth, "Boden does have a point."

"Get some rest when you get home," Lawson advised.

"I'm not going home," he replied, "Got to go down to the district and make my official statement or Antonio will be chasing me."

_Apartment_

"Casey?" Severide questioned as he entered their apartment. It was nearly midday, he'd gone to gym straight after his shift had finished. Casey was standing with his back to him, facing the wall, paintbrush in hand. He turned around to see the perplexed expression that Severide wore. "I'm painting."

"I can see that," Severide frowned, " _Why_ are you painting?"

"Because I can," he shrugged before turning back to the sample patches he'd painted, "What colour do you prefer?"

"Colour?" Severide questioned. "They're all beige…"

Casey looked down at the colour chart, "This one is beige," he pointed out one of the colour patches on the wall, "Well… Beige Cloud…"

"Beige Cloud?" Severide repeated with amusement.

He sighed, "Just pick one Sev."

"Why do I need to choose? You're the guy holding the paintbrush," the grin hadn't faded from Severide's face.

"When we're home we spend most our waking hours in these rooms. Which colour do you like best?" he asked.

"Erm… that one," Severide pointed, giving a small shrug, "I like that, it's bright-ish… bright beige?"

"Dull sunset," Casey said.

Severide nodded, grinning, "Dull sunset it is then." He frowned, "What does bright sunset look like?"

"These are the colours accepted by the landlord," Casey explained.

"Ah so you're not the one who chose five shades beige," he smiled.

Casey sighed, "Maybe I should leave it like it is."

"You can't leave it now," Severide scoffed, "We've got five different beige squares on the wall." Their laughter quickly died off. "So you spoke to Antonio yesterday, go all right?"

"It was fine," Casey replied matter-of-factly, "My statement is being typed up and I'll need to sign it at some point."

"All good then?" he asked. Casey turned his attention back to the colour swatches on the wall. "Lawson helpful?"

"With what?" Casey questioned immediately.

Severide frowned, "Erm…"

"We talked," Casey supplied, "I'm all right." And before Severide could say anymore he asked, "Are you still on for Saturday?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Thanks, we won't be there long," Casey said.

"No?" Severide questioned, "We can stay as long as you want."

"No," he confirmed, "I don't wanna get in the way. We'll just watch her open her presents, maybe have some cake." "All right, well, it's up to you."

_Christie's House_

"Happy birthday Violet," Casey bent down carefully and gave her a hug. Despite nearly a week having passed since he'd injured his ribs he winced slightly and it didn't go unnoticed by both Severide and Christie.

"Nice to see you Matt," Christie pulled him into a quick embrace. "Kelly," she smiled at him when Casey broke away from her, "How are you both?"

"We're good," Casey supplied. "Presents?" he grinned at Violet.

"Go into the kitchen," Christie said, "There's cake and the rest of her presents in there."

Casey and Severide follow Violet into the kitchen, her friends were sitting round and it looked like she'd already begun to open her gifts. "Here," Casey smiled and handed her the envelope in his hand.

"Thank you," she smiled.

"Go on, open it," he insisted, nodding.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed when she opened up the envelope. "Oh my God! Thank you! Look!" Violet showed her friends the contents.

"See," Casey looked at Severide, "I told you it was a good idea."

Christie entered the kitchen to see Violet and her friends excitedly milling around. "What did you get her?" she asked.

"There's three tickets, so you can take one friend and your mom because you need an adult with you," Casey explained to Violet. He turned to his sister, "Justin Bieber tickets," he smiled.

"That explains the high pitched squealing then," Christie stated.

Violet walked up to Casey and thank him once again. "When did you get them? Mom tried to get them as soon as they were released but they sold out!"

"I know people," he replied slyly and Violet gave him another hug and went back to her friends.

"You _know_ people?" Christie questioned.

"Call a couple of weeks ago. Helped someone out and I pulled some strings," he explained.

"Thanks Matt," she smiled gratefully, "If you wanna take her you can, I'm sure she'd like that, after all you got her the tickets."

Casey shook his head, Severide grinned, "You take her, I wouldn't appreciate it."

"I dunno Case... can just imagine you enjoying it," Severide teased.

_Firehouse_

Casey was glad to be back at work, he was still bruised and sore but the pain had faded and he'd grown bored at home despite painting the open plan lounge and kitchen area.

"You've lost weight," Herrmann stated as soon as he saw his lieutenant in the locker room.

"Thanks Herrmann," Casey smiled thinly, "Always count on you for an honest opinion." Herrmann smiled, shrugged and walked away. It was a slow shift, Truck 81 had just one call to a stove fire and Borelli nearly set one himself whilst making lunch much to the amusement of Mouch and Otis.

Severide was sitting alone at the squad table when Herrmann walked onto the apparatus floor so he took a seat next to him. A perplexed looked crossed Severide's face when he looked up from the newspaper. "Herrmann?"

"How's he doing?" Herrmann asked.

Severide raised an eyebrow. "Obama? The pope?" Herrmann shot him a look and Severide shook his head, smiling. "Casey is fine, go ask him yourself."

"He's lost weight," Herrmann said.

"You watching my weight too?" Severide grinned.

"I'm worried about him," Herrmann said softly, "After everything that's happened and now… well we don't really know what happened last week."

"He's all right, he's… he's just been running a lot," Severide admitted with a concerned sigh.

Herrmann frowned, "I saw the state of his chest this morning, can only imagine what it looked like a few days ago, he's been running like that?"

"Uh huh," Severide replied. He was fairly certain that Casey had only managed the running in the latter half of his week off duty by loading himself full of painkillers before pounding the streets but as honest as he was being with Herrmann right now Severide wasn't going to divulge that little piece of information.

"That man has no self-preservation," Herrmann stated, half mockingly.

"That's what I said," he replied, thinking of a conversation he'd had with Casey the week before he had the IM rod removed from his femur.

"Can't you do…" Herrmann began.

"Can't I do something?" Severide scoffed.

"He's listens to you," Herrmann said.

"Just let him deal with this and that means him being here, doing normal stuff, surrounded by all of you guys," he said. "Without being asked a thousand questions," he added.

Late in the afternoon Casey had finished filling in the maintenance log for his truck was walking from his quarters to the common room when he heard Severide's raised voice. "… Look you were told last time not to come back, if you come back again I'll have you arrested."

"This is a…" the man stood with Severide started to respond but Casey chose that moment to interrupt. "Lieutenant Casey," the man spoke.

"Do I know you?" he questioned.

"I'm from the…" the man started.

"You're leaving," Severide said forcefully.

Boden approached the three of them after hearing the commotion. "What's the…" he began but then he saw the man's face, "You're not welcome here and you need to leave, you cannot come here again and harass my men." And he instructed Severide to escort him out of the house

"Lieutenant!" the man called after Casey as Severide led him to the door. "I just have one question; how do you feel about the fact that Jack Nesbitt is missing because of your actions? That he could…"

Casey frowned and glanced from the man to Severide and Boden. "Missing?"


	11. Blood

_Firehouse_  
  
"Who was that man?" Casey asked emotionlessly. He was leaning back on the windowsill in Boden's office facing the chief whilst Severide was sat on one of the chairs by the desk.

"A reporter," Severide replied, "He's been here before asking for you."

"Ok," he accepted, "And why does he know more than I do? I assume he doesn't know more than the cops?"

"Nesbitt's ankle monitor was found but…" Boden began to explain.

"But no Nesbitt," he said.

Boden shook his head, "No Nesbitt."

"And I hadn't asked about him so no one brought it up in front me?" he questioned.

"He's gone for good Casey," Severide stated.

"That a fact?" he said incredulously because how could Severide know that for sure.

"He won't be back here in Chicago, he's gone," Severide assured him. Before Casey could respond the alarms went off and Truck 81, along with Ambulance 61 were called to a person in distress.

Severide walked up to Casey in the locker room after their shift finished, "Do you wanna go out for dinner tonight?"

"Dinner?" Casey frowned.

"Dinner," Severide shrugged, "That's what friends do right?"

"I guess," he replied, it was an odd request, they had takeaways, dinner at home and with others from the house but they never just went out for dinner.

"Thought it would make a change from bar crawling," Severide explained.

"I have plans for tonight," he said.

"Oh all right," Severide replied, "And you're…"

"… At the Davison site today," Casey finished.

Severide sighed, "Are we just going to avoid each other because of Nesbitt?"

"No. It would be a bit redundant to argue about it now anyway," he replied. "I _do_ have plans for tonight but we could go for a run together tomorrow evening? I'd rather do that than have dinner."

_Apartment_

That night Severide lay awake in his bed, the heat was stifling, he'd turned the fan on in his room but still heard Casey enter the apartment over its constant hum, there were muffled voices, he wasn't alone, as they moved across the lounge Severide could make out snippets of conversation. "God how'd you do that? At work?" a female voiced asked.

"Uh huh," he heard Casey mutter, "You wanna drink?"

She scoffed, "I think we should attend to something else first." Casey's bedroom door was then opened, slammed closed and he heard nothing more.

"Good night?" Severide asked when Casey emerged from his room the next morning. Apparently the woman that had come home with him hadn't stayed after their late night activities.

"Huh? Yeah it was fine," he said, a little distracted, "I gotta go pick up some supplies and head back over to the Davison site, see ya later." He was out the door with an apple in his hand before Severide could even reply.

_Lakeside_

"So who was that you brought home last night?" Severide asked as they jogged side by side along the lake front that evening.

"Just some…" Casey began.

"Just some woman," Severide provided.

"Hey I've never complained about you bringing people home," he smiled.

"I'm not complaining," Severide stated.

"Really?" he grinned, "Cause for a second there I thought you were gonna lecture me."

"I don't need to lecture you," Severide replied.

"No, you don't," he said shortly.

After a while Severide spoke up again, this time with concern, "You want a breather?"

"Nah I'm good... or is that your way of saying that can't keep up with my pace?" he grinned.

"You look pale," Severide stated.

"I am pale compared to you," he scoffed. "Race you back to the car?" He'd barely finished the sentence before sprinting off in front of Severide, leaving him no time to protest before he went after him. Casey slowed a little when he caught up and they matched each other's pace back to the car park.

Severide took note of Casey's trembling hands as he took a swig from his water bottle, "How's your chest?"

"It aches," Casey replied honestly, "But it doesn't hurt," he said, "My ribs aren't broken, they're just a little bruised still, this time next week they'll be as good as new."

"Herrmann saw the bruises," Severide said rather lamely. For most of their run he'd been trying think of a way to bring up a certain topic that Casey was unlikely to take kindly.

"Yeah…" he frowned at the oddity of the statement, "I was changing my top, I wouldn't be surprised if he did… and I'm not really surprised that he spoke to you after."

"He was concerned," Severide said.

"I know," he replied with a small shrug. He'd come to expect it of Herrmann after all the years of working with the man.

"He wasn't so much as concerned about the bruises, more about the fact that he thinks you've lost weight," Severide explained.

"He told me, well, stated the obvious really. I know I have," he said dismissively and took another swig from the water bottle.

"Oh, ok," Severide was surprised at Casey's indifference, "Erm… intentionally?"

Casey shook his head and replied lightly, "No."

"I don't need to remind you what happened last time," he edged.

"No," Casey said stiffly, "And besides I'm not ill any more, not even having nightmares." He smiled a little too much for Severides liking.

_Apartment_

Casey had gone into his bedroom with the intention of showering and changing before they ordered food but he'd fallen asleep on his bed, atop of the bed covers and fully dressed in his running gear.

Severide knocked on Casey's bedroom door; he had showered and was ready to order dinner. When there was no response he entered and a small smile crept across his face when he saw Casey fast asleep. His arm was wrapped around a pillow and hugged close to his chest, a habit that he noticed Casey had developed. Severide assumed it was recent or maybe he'd never really noticed before, it seemed to happen unconsciously, perhaps because his friend had spent so many nights in bed with Hallie or Dawson, maybe it had happened often before when he was alone in bed.

He picked up the folded blanket from the chair in the corner of the room and draped it over Casey. It was warm but Casey was still wearing his clothes that had gotten wet with sweat and his hair was still damp and partly plastered to his forehead. A few years ago Severide would have woken him up but now he would just let him sleep as he never really knew how restful and easy Casey's sleep was nowadays. Severide quietly shut the door behind him and warmed up some leftovers he dug out of the freezer, there was no point in ordering any food now.

Casey woke up several hours later. He sat bolt upright, panting, sweating, shaking, for a moment he thought he was going to throw up all over the bed but he gathered himself, took some deep breaths and countered to ten three times. He lay back down, still taking in long deep breaths, the images left over from his nightmare faded. He sighed and let his eyes drift close again only to be assaulted by the memory of the two dead men, the men he had killed. He shot out of bed, nearly stumbling over the blanket as it followed him off the mattress, burst open the ensuite door, landed heavily on his knees and threw up violently into the toilet.

Once his stomach had emptied and the dry heaving had subsided he felt incredibly weak and incredibly dirty. All he could see was the splatter of blood all over his body, the thick rivulets spread all over him, obscuring his vision, sticking his fingers to one another. With no thought to the clothes he was wearing he stumbled into the shower and switched on the stream of water. It was cold, he didn't think to adjust the temperature. He didn't care. He just wanted to wash away all the grime and blood, he stripped off his clothes and let them fall onto the bottom of the bath as he continued to stand under the heavy stream of water, scrubbing away at his skin.

Severide rolled over in bed, half asleep, he could hear the shower running from the other room, he glanced at his alarm hoping that it wasn't the morning already as it felt like he'd hardly slept. The clock read 01:34. He let his eyes slip close again. The shower was still running the next time he opened his eyes, the clock read 02:06. That wasn't right, why was the shower still running? He pushed the covers back and sat straight up with one thought in his mind. Casey.

He'd rushed to Casey's room and entered the ensuite to find the shower curtain open wide and Casey sat below the heavy stream of water, unmoving with his eyes gazing unseeingly. "Case? Matt?" Nothing. He leant forwards, put his arm through the water and turned the shower off. "Damnit Case, it's freezing." Still no response. He grabbed one of the large plush towels and draped it around Casey's inert form. He stepped into the bathtub and knelt down in front of Casey. "Matt? Matty?" Severide sighed disappointingly at the lack of response. "I'm going to touch you," he warned before he gripped Casey's shoulders.

"Sev?" Casey breathed and he looked up into Severide's gently eyes.

"I'm here," he exhaled in relief as he gently pulled Casey forwards into a soft embrace, "You're ok." He could feel Casey's calm breaths on his shoulder. Satisfied that his friend wasn't panicking and didn't seem fazed by the situation he said, "Let's get up, you need to get warm and you need to sleep, it's the middle of the night and we're on shift tomorrow."

Severide guided Casey's lethargic form to bed and pulled back the covers, his hair was still wet but the towel had nearly dried his body so he said nothing as Casey just pulled the towel tighter around him and got into bed. "Night," Casey muttered as Severide pulled the duvet over him.

"Are you going to be ok?" Severide asked. Casey's response was a barely noticeable shrug before he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Severide remained in Casey's room after tidying up the ensuite. He'd been sat on the chair for a couple of hours when he watched as Casey moved under the covers, in his sleep Casey tried to untangle himself from the towel and duvet that had become twisted. Once Casey was on his right side, his left still too sore to lie on, Severide saw an arm creep out from under the covers, he smiled, stood up from the chair and quietly moved one of the pillows under Casey's arm, who grabbed it weakly and slept still for the rest of the night.

"Morning..." Casey spoke blearily when he discovered Severide sat on the chair in the corner of his room.

"Morning," Severide replied.

"Sorry," he stated, "Sorry about last night… this morning." He pushed himself upright, the duvet fell to his lap revealing his scared and bruised chest.

"What happened?" Severide asked.

"Nightmare I guess." He shrugged even though he knew that was exactly what had happened.

"You've remembered what happened?" Severide questioned.

He nodded after a moment.

Severide frowned, "Did something trigger it or…"

"Nope," Casey shook his head.

"Oh ok, I guess that's good?" he questioned, Casey just shrugged, "When's your next session with Lawson?"

"In about two weeks," Casey replied.

"Two weeks?" he repeated with surprise, "You gonna call him today?"

"He's on holiday," Casey replied. Lawson had given him his mobile number and provided him with several numbers to contact other doctors if Casey needed it; he wasn't going to use them. "I'm gonna get dressed," Casey stated. Severide took it as his cue to stand up and leave. "I'll get some breakfast going, bacon and eggs, you want mushrooms?"

"Nah, I'll eat later, I'm going to go for a run first," he said.

Concerned Severide stated, "We went for a run last night."

Casey nodded, "And I'm going for another now."

"Is that wise?" he scoffed, "I can see your ribs."

"And I can see yours," Casey shrugged.

"Fine, do what you want," he said.

"I will."   


_Firehouse_

"Late night partying? You look exhausted!" Cruz greeted Severide as he walked into the common room at the start of shift.

"Something like that," Severide replied stiffly and went straight for the coffee pot.

With a mug of coffee in his hand Severide made his way to his quarters and was glad to see Casey sat at his desk with a plate of toast and scrambled eggs, he'd showered but not eaten after his run, claiming that he would be late for shift. Severide had offered to drive them both to the house but he'd declined.

Later that day Casey was slumped over his desk writing up his report for the call they had gotten back from an hour ago. He was struggling to concentrate and kept having to go back read what he'd written for fear of repeating it. There was a knock at his door, Herrmann was stood outside with a grim expression on his face, he motioned him in.

"Lieutenant," Herrmann greeted him. "I need your help with something… on the downlow."

"Yeah, sure, close the door," Casey spun round on his chair to face Herrmann who sat down on his bed. "What's up?" he asked with concern.

"Cindy cannot know," Herrmann warned him.

"Erm… this isn't another anniversary present is it?" his concerned ebbed away into a smile. Herrmann shot him a look. He shrugged, "Just checking."

"I promised I'd have the wardrobes in the loft room sorted by the end of the week and they're still just pieces of wood lying on the floor," Herrmann explained.

"You need a hand then?" he questioned.

"I just don't have the right tools," Herrmann replied.

"When do you want me to come over?" he asked.

Herrmann smiled, "Cindy has a PTA meeting tomorrow night, six 'til eight?"

"That's fine," he nodded.

"Stay for dinner after," Herrmann smiled, "It's steak night."

"Nah it's all tight, I'll eat at home, you don't want Cindy to wonder why I'm there," he said.

"Fair point," Herrmann said, "Although you have always been welcome to come over."

"It's fine, we'll get it done quickly, she'll never know you didn't do it on your own," he smiled.

"Thanks lieutenant," Herrmann said gratefully.

_Apartment_

Casey got home late after helping Herrmann. He dropped his keys on the side table and grabbed a bottle of juice from the fridge.

"You've had a busy day," Severide spoke up.

"Yeah, I'm exhausted," he said as he slumped down onto the sofa next to Severide.

"Early night then," Severide said suggestively, "You sleep all right last night?"

"Uh huh," he nodded.

"Good," Severide smiled.

Casey hadn't slept well last night. After tossing and turning for a few hours he decided to get up and sit at his desk, flicking through a few internet pages on his laptop before getting back into bed where he spent the rest of the night reading, he didn't want to sleep, he didn't want to wake up in the firehouse disoriented and confused like he had done at home the previous night.

He bid Severide goodnight after watching another half hour of TV with him. Showered and brushed his teeth. He'd opened the bathroom cabinet for a new tube of toothpaste and eyed the orange pot of blue pills that had been sat unused for over a year. He rinsed and glanced at the orange pot once more, he was exhausted, he really needed to sleep and that's exactly what the pills were for so he took two and dry swallowed them.


	12. Strong

_Apartment_

Casey's alarm woke him up the next day. He was groggy and little shaky, he'd set his alarm early so he could run before Severide woke but his whole body felt weak so he forced down some breakfast, realising he'd hardly eaten anything the previous day. He'd have to cut his run short now if he didn't want Severide's questioning afterwards.

Severide woke up, shaved, and entered the lounge to find Casey sat at the dining table on his laptop. His hair was wet but he looked good, the bags under his eyes hadn't worsened and the cut on his cheek as well as the bruising on his face were barely noticeable.

"Morning," Casey cheerfully.

"Hey," he smiled, "You want another?" He indicated to the empty coffee mug by Casey's laptop.

"Please." Casey passed the mug to Severide's outstretched hand.

"How'd you sleep? I didn't hear anything from you all night," he asked a little cautiously.

"In other words: Did you wake up screaming Casey?" he mocked, although there was a hint of annoyance in his tone. "I slept fine, there were no late night adventures to the shower," he smiled, "Oh and I didn't try to scratch my eyes out either."

Severide took the hint and threw up his arms in artificial defeat. "Fine I'll stop asking." He sat down in front of him and passed him his coffee before taking a tentative sip of his own, Severide couldn't understand how Casey ever drank his so quickly; it was too hot for him for the first five minutes.

"I'll take you up on that offer for dinner tonight, if you're free," Casey smiled.

"Katie is skyping me in a few hours before she starts work, that is my only plan for the day," he replied, "Where do you want to go?"

"Your choice," Casey replied.

"I'll see what Katie recommends," he said. Casey gave him a look. "Nowhere expensive and somewhere that doesn't need advanced reservation."

"Good," Casey smiled, "It's nice that you two are staying in touch, it's good."

"She is my sister," Severide shrugged. "… Sorry."

"Not a sore topic, and besides we were both with my sister the other week," he said.

Dinner that evening was very nice and very uneventful. It did make Severide wonder if Casey's appetite was on and off because he ate as much as he did. The previous day he'd not seen Casey eat anything, but that didn't mean he hadn't, he wasn't with him most of the day. He had noticed how his clothes were a little looser, and he wasn't exactly a big guy to begin with. However Casey even acknowledged his own weight loss so perhaps he should try and put his worries to the back of him mind. Except that was an impossible task after everything that had happened over the years.

Once he was ready for bed Casey stood at the bathroom cabinet contemplating. He had slept through the night after taking the two of the Silenor pills yesterday, there would be little harm if he took two more tonight, he had felt better during the day after his full night's sleep and he needed some good sleep because he'd be on shift tomorrow. He opened the orange pot and dropped two pills into the palm of his hand, there weren't many left, he'd use them and then leave it at that. Lawson had said to use him when he felt like he needed them, when everything was too much, when he couldn't switch off, when he was worked up after a nightmare or intrusive thought, when he couldn't sleep, so really he was just taking the doctor's advice, albeit a little late. As he drifted off into a dreamless sleep he wondered why he hadn't taken them more often during the worst phases of his PTSD.

For the next couple of weeks Casey's routine consisted of popping pills to sleep when he wasn't shift and getting up early, avoiding Severide's concern, to run. He never took them at the firehouse, instead he managed a few hours' sleep before getting up and reading or watching TV in the empty common room, he was having plenty of sleep at home to survive on just a few hours of sleep during the nights he was on shift.

_Firehouse_

He ran out of sleeping pills three weeks after he started taking them, which was fine by him, he didn't even think of asking for a refill until he woke up screaming at the firehouse. It had only happened once before and it was just embarrassing now as it was then. He was sleeping less at home, and the sleep he was getting wasn't always restful so he struggled to remain awake at the house, afraid of alerting everyone to his distress now his nightmares were back in full swing.

Casey roughly scrubbed his face and body with the hot water under the shower stream. "Case? Talk to me," he heard Severide from behind the curtain.

"Did I wake everybody up?" he asked urgently as he stood under the stream of hot water.

"No," Severide replied.

"You're a crappy liar," he stated.

"Come out Case," Severide said. "Here," he held up a towel ready to grabbed from inside the curtain, he was just about to tell Casey to get out the shower again when the stream stopped. "Here," he repeated and Caseys wet arm reached out and took the towel.

Towel wrapped around his waist Casey sat down on the bench in the locker room and put his head in his hands despairingly, ashamed at what had happened, ashamed at his weakness. Severide stood by him in silence whilst he gathered himself by counting to ten three times in his head. Casey looked up. "I'm sorry."

Severide shook his head and mocked, "You should be; you used all the hot water." Casey let out a little laugh and Severide smiled.

Their attention was drawn to entrance when Herrmann walked in with a sympathetic smile across his face. "Hey," he spoke warmly, "You mind if I sit with Casey for a minute?"

Severide glanced at Casey and saw no objection on his part so he left the room.

Herrmann sat down to Casey's left, he smiled, Casey kept his eyes averted. "I've known you for a long time Casey, you are my lieutenant but you're my friend too and right now I'm here as a friend," he smiled, "Didn't think you'd last when you first got to this house, all bright eyed and eager to go, freshly promoted, full of new ideas. We all stood in this very spot complaining and making bets about how long you'd last, except for Andy of course, and here you are, nearly seven years later." Casey was now looking up at him. "You've been through lot, none of which you deserved, you're a great lieutenant, a great man," Herrmann emphasised, "Those scars, those nightmares; you don't deserve them but they just prove how strong you are to all of us, they're not a weakness."

"Herrmann…" Casey began but Herrmann shook his head forcing his lips closed.

"So don't ever be worried about what we think," Herrmann stressed, he smiled. "And eat more," he added lightly as he glanced at Casey's wet torso.

_Therapy Room_

Lawson took in Casey's appearance, his clothes looked looser, his cheeks looked a little hollowed, his eyes seemed heavy and there were darkened shadows underneath. He was tired and worn down. He was sitting uncomfortably in the chair, a little too stiffly, he would usually slouch back, sometimes even adjust the pillows for their hour long sessions.

"So I remembered what happened," Casey stated, his tone lighter than his thoughts. "I can remember killing them. I killed two people. I remember all the blood mostly and the noise… it's all gone a little downhill since then," he forced a smile. He didn't want any tears to betray him.

"You saved Kelly's life, and your own, it was self-defence," Lawson stated.

Casey shook his head, "We shouldn't been there in the first place. It was my fault…" he frowned, "I killed two people… I smashed his head in… it was…" He shook his head again as he tried to get rid of the images from his mind. "I did that. Why didn't I stop? Why didn't realise he wasn't getting up?"

"You killed them Matt," Lawson said.  "What would have happened if you hadn't?"

"I… I don't know," he muttered.

"Yes you do," Lawson nodded, "That man was attacking you, do you think he was going stop?"

"We shouldn't have been there in the first place," he repeated.

"But you were," Lawson stated.

"I made so many bad decisions that night," he said. His eyes were focused on the intricate pattern of the rug beneath his feet.

"You said it before; you were tricked," Lawson said, "It wasn't your fault."

"I guess," he replied, Lawson wasn't getting through to him; he wasn't going to believe it wasn't his fault.

"Matt," Lawson edged gently, "Are you having suicidal thoughts? Like before?" Casey looked up from the floor, his eyes were wide and teary, he nodded. "Ok, that's ok, thank you for you being honest. When do these thoughts occur, randomly or…"

"When I'm lying awake at night," Casey stated.

"You're not sleeping?" Lawson asked.

"Not really," he shrugged, "Not at the moment anyway."

_Apartment_

"Whoa!" Casey exclaimed when he walked into the apartment that evening. "What the hell, Kelly? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" he mocked. Severides face was covered in a lumpy green mask.

"What? It's good for the pores," Severide shrugged. "Shay swore by them. Want one?" he pulled at another face mask from the small black bag beside him, "I've got plain mud ones or there's fancy exfoliating ones?"

"I'm good," he replied, still grinning, a little surprised he'd not discovered this habit before.

"Suit yourself," Severide replied. "Hey how was your day?" he grabbed Casey's attention before he could walk away, "You saw Lawson?"

He nodded, "I also fitted a kitchen but I'm going to assume you don't want to hear any more about that," he smiled.

"You're good at fitting kitchens… not so good at talking about yourself," Severide stated before asking, "So how was your session with Lawson?" He really hoped Casey would just talk to him, even if it was just about his appointment rather than the actual reasons for his appointments, since Casey had discovered that Nesbitt had gotten away from the police he'd been withdrawn, isolated and evasive, he'd much rather go out and have a drink than sit in the apartment and watch a movie. He understood his need to keep busy but one day he was going to burn out.

"This well," Casey said incredulously as he lifted up a zip lock bag of several orange pill containers.

"Oh," Severide looked at the bag. Lawson had increased Casey's anti-depressant dosage again and given him another sleeping pill. Ambien CR, it worked faster than the Silenor he had previously been given.

"Yeah 'oh.' Apparently I'm not coping," he scoffed, before Severide could say anymore he asked enthusiastically, "I'm going out tonight, will you come?"

"Erm…" Severide was hesitant.

"Girls, alcohol, music…" he smiled.

"Case you know I read up on a lot of PTSD stuff when you started seeing Lawson and I read that... I read that it can often lead to substance abuse and I know there was none of that but now…" Severide said a little awkwardly, He didn't want to judge Casey's actions but he knew he wasn't in a good place mentally right now.

"But now what? I'm going out two, three times a week so I'm an alcoholic now? You think I have a problem?" he questioned disbelievingly. "I think you should take a look at your past actions," he spat out and immediately regretted it.

Severide chose to ignore Casey's last sentence. "I don't think that. The only reason I bring it up, the only reason I think it is a little problem, or just a little issue, just at the moment, is because it's not you, it's not the Matt Casey I've known for over ten years..."

"It's not me? The Matt Casey you've known for over ten years? He was tortured for nine days, he spent over half a year trying to get back the use of his leg whilst being constantly reminded of the fact he had been tortured for nine days. A few weeks ago he killed two people, one with his bare hands, he shot the other right in the head because he thought his best friend was about to die. The Matt Casey you've known for over ten years barely exists anymore," he finished with his voice raised. He started pacing.

"Matt…" Severide could hardly believe what he'd just heard, "That's not true Matt."

"How would you know?" he spat harshly.

"I know you Matt," Severide assured him, "I know you."

"No one knows me," he stated, his pacing stopped.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said anything," Severide backtracked, "You wanna go out tonight? I'll come with you; we'll start at O'Malley's, head to…"

"Don't bother," he said firmly and quickly went to his room, slamming the door closed behind him.

_Bar_

"Can I have another," Casey caught the attention of the barman; he slurred but was understood and given his fifth shot of whiskey.

Three more shots later and he heard a voice next to him. "Hey," a red haired girl slid onto the stool to his right, "You alone?"

"Yeah I am," he stated gruffly, "And I want to stay that way." She left and he asked for another drink.

"You sure? You've had a lot," the barman said.

"That's the point," Casey stated.

"You want me to call someone? A cab?" he asked.

He shook his head, "Not yet."

By the time he'd had a total of ten shots he was seeing double and could barely comprehend what the barman was saying. He would have no memory of anything that happened that evening. His blood alcohol level was through the roof, he was dazed, confused and completely disorientated. All motor function had gone eight shots in and now he couldn't get up from the bar without stumbling to the ground. He was nauseous and all sense of euphoria had vanished.


	13. Grey

_Apartment_

Severide was sat watching over Casey's sleeping form, he daren't sleep in fear of Casey moving onto his back and choking on his own vomit. He'd been sitting by his side since he drifted off to sleep half an hour ago. An hour ago he'd received a phone call, Casey's name had lit up the screen, only it wasn't Casey calling him; it was the owner of the bar that Casey had managed to pass out in.

Casey had been conscious and partially alert when Severide turned up. In fact he'd been asking for another shot of whiskey. The barman informed Severide that his friend had already downed ten in the space of two hours and passed out once. He had helped Casey into his car, with half a mind wanting to take him to the nearest emergency room but he was conscious and alert just enough to object to leaving the bar. Casey threw up on the way home and Severide had to open the windows in an attempt to get rid of the foul stench.

Once Severide had got him home he sat him on the couch as he fetched a glass of water. He returned to find him slumped on the floor, his breaths were shallow. "Casey?" Severide shook his arm and earned a groan in response. He picked him up and moved him back onto the couch after realising Casey was now incapable of any movement, he held him upright with one hand as he reached behind himself for the glass of water but before Severide could attempt to make Casey drink he was vomiting down his front. Severide shoved him forward and winced at the sickly sound of the splash on the floor. He wished he'd fetched a bowl as well as the glass of water. Once the vomiting had subsided he took off Casey's sticky shirt, used a clean section to wipe the vomit off the side off his mouth before helping him drink some of the water, wary of how dehydrated he would now be because of both the alcohol and the vomiting.

He lay Casey on his side and pulled a blanket over him before grabbing a bowl and some cleaning supplies. He watched Casey carefully as he cleaned up all the mess, making only quick trips away from him in case anything changed, he knew how dangerous it could be if Casey started having breathing difficulties and there was always the chance of choking or aspiration because his friend would be powerless to stop anything. When he was done he sat on the chair waiting for the danger to pass.

A gurgling choking sound woke Severide, he cursed at himself for falling asleep and quickly rolled Casey back onto his side and placed the bowl in the path of the bile that came out. He wiped Casey's face and readjusted the blanket. After a while Casey woke blearily and tried to move. "Stay still Case," Severide spoke wearily and Casey stopped.

Hours passed, the sun rose, Severide allowed himself to sleep when Casey's breathing improved, his breaths were no longer short and shallow.

Casey woke groggily and wished he hadn't. His head was on fire, his throat was raw, his chest ached and his stomach was tender. He sat up gingerly and took note of his surroundings, he couldn't recall what had led him to be lying on the sofa but if the smell that assaulted his nostrils was any indication he knew he'd done something incredibly stupid.

"You're an idiot," Severide's statement only further proved his assumption.

"Sorry..." his throat cracked.

"You don't even know what you're apologising for," Severide stated.

"No… sorry," he muttered.

"Next time you decide to go out and drink yourself into oblivion I better not be the one…" Severide paused, sighed and shook his head, "I bet you feel awful. I'll get you some painkillers."

Casey spent the next eight hours torn between sleeping and kneeling in front of the toilet seat as his body tried to expel what felt like every organ in his body. He was nauseous and headachy for the whole day. He gave Severide his wallet so his could get his car cleaned and pay him back for the drinks he'd bought for last night.

Severide tried to get him to eat something, Casey didn't even want to try but felt indebted to him after all he did last night, he threw it up not long after. "Sorry," he muttered when he exited the bathroom.

"Drink this," Severide passed him a glass filled with water and a Berocca effervescent tablet.

"Another one?" he sighed.

"You're still dehydrated and the vitamins will do you some good, honest," Severide replied.

"You'd know," he stated harshly, "Sorry."

"You're right, I do know so drink it, you'll feel better soon," Severide said.

_Apartment Building_

A week had passed since Casey had very nearly managed to poison himself with alcohol. It was an uneventful week. Casey kept up his routine, sleeping pills provided him a full night's sleep on the days he wasn't on shift and he continued running, mostly in secret.

"Casey, Kidd, there's one more victim," Boden spoke into the radio, "A baby, front room."

 _"Copy that Chief,"_ Casey replied.

"You've not got long," Boden stated.

"My poor baby, my baby," the women by the back of the ambulance cried.

"They'll get your kid, don't worry," Herrmann said reassuringly.

"Kid? He's a cat," she replied.

"What?" Herrmann frowned then called over, "Chief there's no baby."

"Herrmann?" Boden questioned.

"It's a cat!" he called over.

"Damnit," Boden muttered before speaking into his radio, "Casey, Kidd, get of there now, there's no baby."

 _"Copy Chief, on our way,"_ Casey replied through the radio.

A few moments later Kidd appeared out of the front door. Casey didn't appear behind her. "Where's Casey?" Boden called.

Kidd turned around, expecting him to be right behind her, "He was right there!"

"Casey?" he called into the radio, there was no response, he heard a crash come from inside the building and saw Herrmann begin to mask up again, "No, no one's going in." Boden called into the radio once more and once again got no response. "Come on Casey, come on…" he muttered to himself as he kept his eyes on the front door.

Suddenly the door burst open and Casey was backing out of the building holding something tightly to his chest, when he turned around Boden realised it was the cat. "I heard it just as we were leaving Chief," he explained as he walked passed him and over to the cats owner.

"My baby! Thank you! Thank you!" she took the cat and enthusiastically hugged Casey and kissed him on the cheek leaving him with a bemused expression across his face.

_Apartment_

"Hey," Casey greeted cheerfully as he walked into the apartment carrying several shopping bags.

Severide was sitting on the couch watching a basketball game, he smiled and muted the TV. "Whatcha got?"

"Went shopping," Casey said with a smile.

"Clothes shopping?" he questioned disbelievingly.

"Uh huh," Casey replied as he placed the bags down on the dining table.

"What's prompted that?" he asked with a smile.

"Rosa said I needed new clothes," he stated.

"That's good," Severide said before clarifying himself, "It's good that you guys still chat."

"Yeah," he nodded with a smile.

Severide frowned, "How'd she know you need new clothes? I've been telling you for ages to update your wardrobe," he let out a little laugh.

"Apparently I wore the same top the last three times we Skyped," Casey explained.

"You're terrible," he laughed.

"Hey! It had been washed!" he shook his head, "Anyway, I got you something for the other week… throwing up in car… and everywhere…"

"You already forced your wallet on me to pay for the car…" Severide began.

"Here," Casey didn't let him finish and handed him a small bag.

"You're kidding right?" Severide grinned as he looked inside.

"I saw them and thought of you," he grinned.

Severide shook his head, grinning, "Never gonna forget are you?"

"Nope," he smiled.

Severide put the bag of facemasks to one side. "You going out tonight?"

"No, thought we could watch a movie?"

"Sounds good to me," Severide said. He was happy that Casey didn't feel the need to go out, he seemed to be sleeping much better as well but last week when he'd taken off his sickly top he saw how Casey's ribs were still prominent. Overall he seemed better, he seemed to be coping

 _Therapy Room_ "You're careless with your life," Lawson stated.

"What?" he questioned incredulously.

"Just look at your job. You run into burning buildings for a living," Lawson reiterated.

Casey shrugged, "So do hundreds of other people in this city."

"You were in the paper the other day for rescuing a cat after being told to exit the building," Lawson said.

"I was leaving but I heard it," he explained, he couldn't see the issue.

"You risked your life for a cat," Lawson stated.

Casey didn't understand where Lawson was going with this. "The only reason I was still in the building was because she called it her baby. I wasn't going to leave it when I heard it."

"Three years ago you sustained a serious head injury after ignoring orders to leave…" Lawson began.

"To get a baby and I…" he argued.

"You're working despite the fact that one more blow to the head could kill you," Lawson stated.

He interrupted, "I've had concussions since…"

Lawson just continued, "You said yes to helping Antonio, you knew it would be dangerous. Two weeks ago you drank so much that Kelly had to make sure you didn't choke on your own vomit. Looking at your medical record I can tell there's more and I'm sure if I asked Kelly I'd be given more examples of…"

"Of what? My mistakes? Helping people?" he raised his voice. "Wait… He told you?"

"Examples of you being careless with your life," Lawson stated, "And yes he told me, he was concerned."

"I'm not…" he frowned then spoke questioningly, "I'm not careless with my life?"

"Why did your mom kill your dad?" Lawson questioned.

"What?" he said abruptly, shocked at the question. It felt like it came right out of the blue but Lawson knew exactly where he was going with this.

"Why did your mom kill your dad?" Lawson repeated.

"I… I don't know… Not really," he replied, a frown still laced across his forehead, "I asked her."

"What did she say?" Lawson asked.

"He was always getting her down and what he said to me was starting to affect me…" he replied

"Did they argue in front of you?" Lawson enquired.

"I guess, well, they yelled so loudly a bet the whole of Chicago could hear," he forced a smile, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking.

"Did they argue about you?" Lawson asked.

"Yeah," he said dismissively, "But all parents argue about their kids."

Lawson raised an eyebrow. "That's a big generalisation?"

Casey shrugged, "It's true."

"What did they say?" Lawson asked, "In a typical argument, what would they say about you?"

"I was an accident, I ruined their plans, they'd only wanted one kid… I was a waste of space," he admitted after a few moments. "Me and Christie would sometimes sit at the stop of the stairs, once she turned to me and said they never argued before I was born but I don't believe that, she's only four years older than me, she wouldn't remember what it was like before me… right?"

"You were a waste of space?" Lawson repeated.

"That's what he said, whenever he was angry that's what he said to me, to my mom," he replied.

"You made him angry?" Lawson questioned.

"I guess. He had a busy job, he was tired a lot, he got angry and annoyed when he was tired," Casey sat thinking for a moment, "He changed jobs when I was born, they needed a bigger house. He didn't enjoy it and it's easy to blame everyone around you even if it's not their fault."

"Do you believe that?" Lawson asked.

"Yeah, I guess, I mean me and Severide argue but I think that's because we'll forgive each other, it's easy to argue when really we know we'll still be there for each other. It was easy for dad to blame us because we were there and always would be," he replied thoughtfully.

"You were told you were a waste of space and now you're careless with your life because that's what you think about yourself. You'd much rather risk your life for someone else's because you're a waste of space," Lawson explained.

Casey shook his head, "I barely think about their arguments, I don't believe that. I loved my dad and I love my mom. I'm not careless, I just do my job."

"You do your job above and beyond duty Matt, perhaps careless isn't quite the right word but you have taken a lot of risks with your life," Lawson said.

"Every firefighter risks their lives," he stated.

"Does every firefighter go back after they've been told to get out of a building?" Lawson questioned.

"I only do that if I know someone is there, if I know I could get to them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let someone die, if I killed someone…" he trailed off.

"It's conflicting isn't it? You saved a life by killing. You're mom thought she was saving you from your fathers harsh words," Lawson spoke softly.

"I wish she'd never done it but I can't hate her, not like my sister did. She's my mom… do you think I should hate her?" he questioned.

Lawson shook his head, "No so I think you should hating yourself for saving Kelly's life. You didn't go there planning to kill anyone. It was self-defence."

"I know," Casey nodded, "I do know that. But I shouldn't have done it. It's bad, I'm…"

"You know the world's not split into black and white, bad and good, there's that grey area in between. What you did wasn't bad," Lawson said.

Casey glanced at his watch, glad the hour was nearly up, "Can we finish? Can we stop please?"

Lawson held back a sigh, "Are you going to be ok? I know talking about your parents is a difficult subject. What are you doing for the rest of the day?"

"I'm going straight home," he said.

"Ok," Lawson nodded. "Take it easy, watch some TV, just chill out. Speak to Janice on your way out, sort out a day and time for next week, ok?"

"Yeah, see ya next week," he replied. He stood up from the sofa but feeling lightheaded he faltered and promptly collapsed back down.

"Matt?" Lawson stood up and moved quickly to his side.

"Erm… dizzy… sorry..." he muttered.

"Ok just sit here for a bit, lean forward, put your head in your hands, that's it," Lawson put a gentle hand on his arm, "Take some steady breaths. Have you eaten today?"

"Yeah," he replied honestly.

"Did you sleep last night?" Lawson enquired gently.

"Yeah," he said, he sat up now, he felt much better, his chest hurt a little and felt incredibly tired but the world around was no longer twisting and turning. "Six maybe seven hours," he didn't say those hours were sleeping pill induced or that he'd gone for an hour long run as soon as he woke.

"Has this happened before?" Lawson asked.

"Erm yeah, I guess," he admitted. He often found he had dizzy spells, particularly after sitting down for long periods of time.

"Might be worth getting a blood test," Lawson said. Casey frowned. "You might just be lacking something in your diet."

"My diet's fine," he countered.

"Is it?" Lawson asked doubtfully

Casey dropped his eyes and sighed, "No." Casey's appetite was constantly on and off, some days he'd eat just fine, other days he would happily go all day without so much as a piece of fruit and sometimes he had to force himself to sit down and eat meals whilst he was on shift. When he felt anxious he didn't eat as his stomach already felt like it was churning.

"Between now and next week when I see you I want you to have a blood test, do I need to make the appointment?" Lawson said seriously.

"I'll do it," he sighed.


	14. Weight

_Hospital Consultation Room_

Casey was sitting in the large sterile room, a little nervous as he waited for the doctor to arrive, he'd chosen the chair by the desk to wait on rather than his other choice of sitting on the side of the bed that was by the wall. He didn't know what to expect, he'd not met her before and was used to dealing with his primary physician, Doctor Andrews, and Doctor Lawson. He'd had a blood test a few days ago and the results needed a consultation with another doctor so he was apprehensive to say the least. One side of the room was covered in informative posters and leaflets; diagrams of food groups, BMI charts. There was a leaflet about support groups but the first half of the name was obscured by another poster.

"Hi!" Doctor Caroline Monroe walked into the room with a smile across her face. Like Lawson she didn't wear a lab coat, just a small name tag. "Sorry I'm late, hectic day!" She had his file and blood test results under her arm. She sat at her desk and opened them up. "Is it Lieutenant or Mr Cas…"

"Matt is fine," he said.

"All right. It's nice to meet you," she said politely, "I skimmed through your file this morning and it's…" she began.

"Extensive," he smiled.

She nodded. "So your doctor got your blood test results back, it's nothing too serious but he has given me your file and you'll be having at least a few appointments with me. You're anaemic. I want to have a look at your diet, my specialism is nutrition, now having spoken to both your primary physician and Doctor Lawson, you've lost quite a bit of weight again recently?"

"Yeah," Casey nodded, "I guess I have."

"You guess?" she eyed him questioningly.

"I know I have," he admitted.

"You were tube fed not long ago," she noted as she scanned his file.

"Not my fondest memory," he smiled thinly.

"Can you step on the scales for me?" she said, "Just take your shoes and top off so we get a near accurate weight."

"Erm…" Casey grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, a top that he knew looked too loose on him despite only buying it last week although admittedly he'd not tried anything on; he'd just grabbed items off the rail and taken them to the checkout.

"You're not comfortable with me. I did express that concern to your Doctor Andrews but he really wanted you to see someone focused in my area of expertise," she explained. "I'm not going to judge you, everything we discuss in this room is confidential just like it is when speak to your other doctors, if I think you're in danger of harming yourself I will have to inform them but you already know so either you're really uncomfortable with me or you're worried that I'm going to think you're at risk of seriously harming yourself?"

"I worked hard to get back to work," Casey stated, "I don't won't you to take that away from me."

"I'm not here to stop you from working, I'm here to help you get back on track," she smiled. Casey nodded but held on tightly to the bottom of his top. "You have scars, you're uncomfortable with them, I get it, I had a heart operation when I was a kid, I don't like people staring at that scar either."

"Ok," he sighed and took off his shirt before he bent over and removed his shoes.

"You work out?" she noted.

"I have a physically demanding job," he stated.

"And you work out on top of that?" she smiled warmly, urging him to open up to her so he could move forwards but she understood his hesitance. Firstly they'd not met before and she was asking personal questions, he was a private person, and secondly his weight and eating habits had been a sensitive subject since his captivity according to Andrews and Lawson.

"I have to," he nodded, "Got to keep fit."

"How often?" she asked.

"Few times week," he admitted as he looked down at the white speckled floor.

"Just a few times?" she questioned.

"Quite a few times," he corrected himself.

"Every day?" she suspected.

He sighed. "Every day," he looked up, unconsciously scratched the back of his hand. "It's my way of coping. At the moment anyway. It works, it helps," he shrugged. Of course he wasn't going to mention that his other way of coping was to take sleeping pills most nights, so much so that he was worried that his supply was low and he knew he couldn't possibly ask for more because he'd not long been given the prescription for them with instructions to use them sparingly, only when really necessary.

"Ok," she nodded, "Will you step on the scales for me." He stood up and went over the large white scales by the bed. She noted his weight, took his height and quickly calculated his BMI. He put his top and shoes back on and sat back down. "Technically your weight isn't unhealthy, you're at the lowest of your BMI range, but what you're doing, all the exercise, it's not healthy. You're not eating enough for that exercise but mentally that exercise is helping you so I'm going to schedule you an appointment for next week, I need to you keep a precise diary of what you're eating and I want you to note down when you're exercising too, what you do and for how long. You need to be honest with me Matt, because if you're weight drops, which I think it will, then it will be unhealthy."

"Ok," he nodded. He didn't look at her, he was ashamed, he understood what he was doing but he kept on doing it, every time he looked in the mirror he was reminded of that. He was self-conscious about the scars and now he was self-conscious about his weight, partly because it seemed to be mentioned at least twice a week. He was nearly back at his hospital admission weight but that had not been his lowest weight. He needed to stop what he was doing but he didn't think he could, if he did it would feel like the whole world would crash down on him.

"Matt," she spoke softly, "Are you trying to lose weight?" She asked because he wasn't trying _not_ to lose weight, "Do you think you're fat?"

He shook his head, "No." He looked up, his eyes a little watery, he was exhausted with it all. "I lie and pretend I'm ok for a lot of stuff, I know I do, I always have, it's easier than the truth," he shrugged. "But I'm not lying; I'm not trying to do this to myself."

_Apartment_

"Hey Sev, can I talk to…" Casey began as he walked into the apartment. He was carrying a small bag containing some iron and B12 supplements, he knew if he didn't mention his appointment straight away he'd not talk about it but something made him stop. Severide was sat with his back facing him on the sofa chair, mobile phone in his hand, he hadn't turned to greet him and he wasn't saying anything. "Kelly? What's wrong? What's happened?" he questioned. Severide didn't move so Casey walked round and sat on the edge of the coffee table so that he was facing him, Severide's eyes were red rimmed, "Kel?"

"My dad's died," Severide said simply.

His words caught in his throat for a moment. "Kelly I'm so sorry, I'm sorry."

"That was his neighbour, his friend," Severide shrugged and put his mobile down, "He found him. He just died," he frowned, "How could he just…"

"I'm sorry, Kelly, let me know what I can do," Casey spoke earnestly, "Do you want me to drive you over to his, or come with you or…"

"No… no…" he shook his head, "Everything's being dealt with apparently, I don't need to be there."

"You might not need to be there but do you want to be there?" Casey asked.

"I don't know," he replied quietly.

"If we leave now we can get there for this evening?" Casey suggested.

"I'll go tomorrow, you don't need to come with me," he said.

"I want to," Casey replied, "I want to help,"

"Just… just be on the end of the phone in case I need anything," he forced a smile, "I'll be back within the day."

"Boden won't mind if you take the next shift off…" Casey began

"I'll be back within the day," he reiterated.

"I know but… but he was your dad," Casey frowned.

"We weren't exactly close were we?" he shrugged.

"No but…" he sighed, "I wasn't exactly close with my dad either but when he died I… I spent a week hiding out in his house. I didn't want to leave his room." He'd never told anyone before, not even Hallie.

"You were what? Fifteen, sixteen?" he questioned.

"Sixteen," Casey replied.

"Well, I'm more than twice that, I don't want to go and stay in his room," Severide stated.

"I didn't mean... I just mean…" he hesitated, he struggled to admit his own feelings, "I missed him, I still miss him."

Severide explained, "My dad already left, I missed him then, he came back but still wasn't really around, I'm used…"

"Used to him not being there," Casey nodded in understanding.

"If there's anything I need I'll tell you," he said lightly.

"Anything, I mean it, if you need anything tell me," Casey insisted, "You've done so much for me over…"

Severide shook his head. "Don't get all soppy on me," he smiled, "You'll come to the funeral with me?"

"Of course I will," Casey replied.

 _Cemetery_ A week later the funeral took place. Severide had been withdrawn and antisocial. Casey knew to leave him but he did place a glass of water and some painkillers by his bedside when he knew he'd had a bit too much to drink the night before the funeral. He wanted to be with him, to help him, but he knew to let him have his space, he'd be there waiting when he was needed.

Casey stood by Severide's side as the casket was lowered into the ground. There were many people there, all dressed in black with solemn expressions across their faces, Boden, Herrmann and Mouch were among the many firefighters that had turned up. Severide held his sister's hand and when the funeral was over he took her into his strong arms and hugged her tightly.

Sitting back in the truck Casey was about to turn the engine on when Severide spoke. "Can we just wait for a bit?"

"Of course," he sat back and the truck was silent and Severide gazed out the passenger window.

After a while Severide broke the silence. "He was a bit of an ass at times."

"But he was your dad," Casey said softly.

Severide nodded. "But he was my dad… Explains a lot doesn't it?" he grinned.

"You can be a bit of a jerk but you're not an ass," Casey joked and received a playful jab in his side. "Evidence right there," he mocked.

"Let's go for a drink," Severide said and Casey turned the engine on and headed in the direction of the wake.

_Hospital Consultation Room_

"I'm sorry about last week, I had to reschedule everything," Casey said apologetically.

"Is everything all right?" Doctor Monroe asked.

"My roommates… my best friend, his father died," he explained.

"I'm sorry," she spoke sincerely, "How have you been?"

"Good," he nodded enthusiastically out of habit, "Erm… all right, I've been all right."

"Pop on the scales the scales for me," she instructed him, he hesitated, "I'm not here to tell you off, I'm here to help, so you may as well get it over and done with so we can see how much you've lost."

He was about to take of his shirt and shoes but decided to admit, "I've just come from my session with Lawson, I told him… I told him that most of the exercise I've been doing… it's been in secret."

"Thank you for telling me," she smiled.

He shrugged. "I figured he'd have to tell you and Andrews anyway 'cause that's not normal. I'm a mess. Again," his smile tried to hide his true feelings.

"Let's have a look at the damage then," she indicated towards the scales. Once again she noted his weight before he put his top and shoes back. "Did you bring the diary I asked you to do for me?" she asked when they were sat back down. He handed her the small notebook and watched as she scanned through it, she paused. "An apple all day?"

"I was busy," he stated.

"Were you working?" she questioned.

He shook his head, "I eat when everyone else does when I'm on shift."

She flipped through a few pages and saw another day where he'd only had a granola bar and some juice, at least it proved he was being honest. "If I make a weekly meal plan will you follow it?"

"I can try," he said.

"And I want you to replace one of your runs with a short walk. It's still exercise but it's going to be kinder on your knees and you'll burn less calories," she said.

"Ok," he nodded a little reluctantly.

"Just give it a go, the most important thing at the moment is to up you daily calorie intake so that you're at least not losing any weight," she explained.

By the end of the appointment he'd been handed a meal plan, information leaflets about food groups and been scheduled for another blood test to check his iron and B12 levels again. He'd still not mentioned these appointments to Severide, he didn't want to burden him with even more of his problems at the moment, Severide had been keeping himself busy and after his father's funeral. He seemed to coping just fine but Casey wondered if that really was the case so there was no way he'd bring any more of his own issues up, Severide already knew he was a mess, there was no point in further proving that. Severide deserved a break from his problems, he wasn't going to say anything, besides, how could he tell him he was petrified about sleeping tonight because he'd ran out of sleeping pills yesterday, how could he tell him that he'd been exercising in secret for months, how could he tell him he was losing weight just like he had done after his captivity. How could he tell him when he'd done so much to help him last time and now he was ruining all the efforts he'd made?


	15. Pills

_Apartment_

Severide walked in to find Casey stood in front of the open fridge. "You know food doesn't make itself just by staring at it?"

Casey shot round, he hadn't realised Severide had walked in, "I was thinking about making dinner," he stated lamely. He wasn't hungry but the meal plan, which he had ignored for the last three days, was threatening him. He'd stashed it in his desk drawer, the same place he'd kept his sleeping pills although there were now only empty bottles teasing him each night.

"What's up? You've not been yourself for a while. Don't think that I haven't noticed."

"Nothing's up." An unnatural smile spread across his face, "I'm fine. I'm not the one whose father's just died."

"Casey I am ok, honest," Severide stated. "Maybe it hasn't quite sunk in that I won't see him again but I am ok," he smiled reassuringly. "Now do you want dinner or are you just gonna stand by the fridge?" he grinned.

"I'm not hungry," Casey shook his head and began to walk away.

"Have you eaten today?" he asked.

Casey steeled himself and turned round to see Severide's concerned expression, "Course I have." He hadn't.

"Have you seen yourself recently?" he questioned, "You look awful."

"I…" Casey began to protest, shocked at Severide's outward statement.

"Well you don't look as bad as… You look exhausted, and pale and… You know full well that you've lost weight, right?" After all how could Casey _not_ know, Severide thought.

"I know, I know I have," he sighed, "I'm just… I'm just stressed, that's all. It's just stress."

"You're having nightmares again? Flashbacks?" Severide questioned.

"In case you've forgotten, Nesbitt is still out there, the cops have no idea where he is and..." Casey replied.

"He's not coming back, why would he?" Severide questioned.

"To get…" he began.

"To get revenge? To get rid of you?" Severide questioned, "He'd be an absolute idiot to come back here, you know that."

"Yeah," he shrugged, "I know that."

"You need to eat," Severide changed back to the original topic. He knew Casey too well, he wasn't going to let him get away with constantly flipping the conversation away from his eating habits.

"I do eat," he replied.

"Clearly not enough," Severide stated. "I know you're taking iron and B12 supplements. I know that sometimes you have to steady yourself when you stand up because you get dizzy. You get back from a run and your whole body is trembling. You're exhausted after the simplest of calls. I have noticed Casey, I'm not blind."

Casey sighed inwardly and admitted, "I had blood test, I'm a little anaemic, that's all, and once the supplements are in my system I'll be fine."

"Are you trying to lose weight?" Severide questioned.

Casey's first meeting with the nutritionist shot back into the forefront of his mind. "Can you just drop it! It's all everyone's talking about!" anger took hold of him.

"So Lawson…" Severide started.

"Lawson, Andrews, the nutritionist I now _have_ to see, everyone is going on and on about it! Every time I'm in the locker room with Herrmann he mentions it! I'm not trying to do anything… I'm just trying to live and sometimes I don't even see the point in that!" he looked as shocked as Severide that the last words had left his own lips, he backtracked immediately, "I didn't mean that. I didn't." He shook his head.

"Erm… Just go and sit down, pick a movie," Severide suggested softly, "I'm going to make us some scrambled egg and toast, something light, easy."

"Kelly…" he tried to retract what he had said.

"Go sit down," Severide said.

"I'm seeing someone about my eating, about my weight," he stated, he wanted to get rid of the hurt that now spread across his friends face, "She's given me a load of leaflets and stuff."

"That's good," Severide nodded. "Go pick a movie, there'll be some starting soon, I know you don't like to miss the beginning."

The movie finished and the credits rolled. "Thanks for dinner," Casey stated, "And the movie, it was good."

"It was," Severide agreed, "Look, it's nearly eleven, why don't you take some sleeping pills, get some rest, you look like you need it, I know you don't like them but you'll crash and burn if don't get some decent sleep."

"Yeah," he nodded and smiled forcefully, "It's a good idea. I think I will."

"Good," Severide replied, Casey got up off the sofa, "And Case?"

"Uh huh?" he turned back.

"About what you said earlier. You're doing good. You're here, you're here and a while ago you didn't think you would be, you didn't think you'd get this far but you have and if you don't see the point in being here then why do you always fight back?" Severide questioned, "You want to be here. We've both been through a lot, both lost a lot of people, family, friends, best friends… I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, who would I have left here?"

Casey opened his mouth to reply but no words came, he wanted to apologise, he wanted to say that he didn't mean what he said again, he wanted to take back the words that had slipped harshly out of his mouth because they had brought tears to Severide's eyes.

"I need you to talk me Matt, like you used to," Severide insisted.

"I can't," he replied so quietly Severide barely heard him.

"Why not?" Severide asked softly.

"Because no matter what anyone says, any excuses they give me, I killed two people and Nesbitt is out in the world, I practically set him free," he frowned, "Could you live with that?"

"Yes," Severide was looking directly at him, almost unblinkingly, "I could live with saving my friends life, by killing two people, two criminals, even without having gone through what you did for nine days. I could live with that Casey, and so can you."

Later that night Casey lay wide wake. Insomnia had developed as a result of his extravagant sleeping pill use and now his body couldn't switch off without the pills. He wasn't worried about having a nightmare, he just wanted to sleep. He'd got no rest the previous night, partly because of a motor vehicle accident 2am that they'd been called to. His body was exhausted but his brain was shooting out thoughts and scenarios, replaying memories, creating anxious thoughts. He got up and paced his bedroom for a while in the hope that the physical exercise would help him get some rest. It didn't so he found himself watching reruns on the TV, barely audible in fear of waking Severide. He anxiously tapped his hand on the couch. He couldn't switch off. He checked his desk drawer for sleeping pills for the third time within two hours. He checked the main bathroom. Nothing.

He got up from the couch, paced the lounge for a while before grabbing a bottle of juice from the fridge. A wine bottle caught his eye. Alcohol always, without fail, repressed his alert mind and body. He'd not drunk much since Severide had rescued him from drinking himself into oblivion a few weeks ago so, he reasoned, a few glasses of wine would do him no harm.

His alarm blared, he forced himself out of bed, his head was pounding so he blearily grabbed a glass of water and chucked back some painkillers. He cleared up the wine glass and put the empty bottle in the recycling. He changed into his running gear and left the house.

Severide was making breakfast when Casey returned home from his hour and a half long run, trembling and aching, and nauseous from the alcohol he'd consumed to help him sleep. He knew Severide would be up when he got back, he didn't care about keeping his run hidden this morning.

"Here," Severide placed two plates on the table, "Eat this."

"I need a shower," he protested, what he needed was to lie down.

"And I need to see you eat," Severide countered.

So Casey sat down in his sweaty running gear and ate. He forced down all the food on his plate. "Happy?" He stood up and left the table before Severide could reply. He stumbled when he entered the bathroom, trying desperately to hold on to the contents of his stomach, he switched the shower on before his stomach finally rebelled against him and he threw up into the toilet. Severide was none the wiser. _Emergency Room_

Out of luck Casey spotted someone he knew. Kendra headed straight towards him. "Matt are you all right?"

"I came to see Doctor Lawson but it's his day off, I didn't realise," he stated. This felt incredibly wrong and he was sure he'd be wrapped in guilt afterwards.

"Oh..." Everyone in the hospital knew who Lawson was, and a lot people knew Casey's situation, it had been the subject of gossip when he'd been found, not that Casey would ever discover that. "If you need to speak to someone there are other…"

"No," he shook his head. "Only Lawson can sort it," he explained.

"Are you sure? There might be something I can do?" she questioned.

He hesitated, "I've been really stupid."

"I've seen and heard everything Matt, don't worry," Kendra smiled warmly.

"Lawson gave me a script, I didn't fill it, took it home and…" he began.

"And now you've realised you need to take his advice but you've lost the prescription," she finished for him, "What's it for?"

"Ambien CR," he replied reluctantly.

"I wouldn't normally do this but you do look like you need some sleep, I'll give you a few, enough for a couple of nights," she explained and pulled out her prescription pad.

"Thanks Kendra," he smiled, "I'll probably find it when Severide and I finally clean up!" Their apartment was spotless though, Casey couldn't live in a mess, and cleaning was always a good distraction from his thoughts.

She handed him the prescription, "Me and some of the others are heading to Molly's after shift, you and Kelly should join us, it'll be a laugh."

"Yeah, maybe, I'll see if he wants to," he smiled and gripped the prescription tightly, "Thanks for this."

He walked out of the ER after filling the prescription at the pharmacy. He stopped. He felt sick right down to his very core. He'd just lied. He'd lied to get hold of drugs. His chest was tightening up at the thought. He gripped the white paper bag in his hand. His breaths began coming faster and shorter. He thought he was going to have an anxiety attack. It shouldn't have been that easy to lie, to get hold of drugs he knew he shouldn't be having. But he needed them. They helped.

_Apartment_

Despite his guilt Casey took the pills but he was still lying wide awake after forty minutes. He got up and grabbed the bottle out of his desk drawer. Kendra had only given him four pills, understandable under the circumstances, he was lucky to even get them. He really needed to sleep, he was on shift tomorrow and he'd barely slept for days. He swallowed the remaining two pills dry and got back into bed.

"Casey?!" Severide was calling his name, "Case you're going to be late!" His eyes shot open, he must have slept straight through his alarm, no running this morning. Casey felt awful, he was groggy and his head ached.

Severide handed him a mug of coffee after he'd dressed and strolled into the kitchen. "Thanks," he muttered.

"Ride in together?" Severide suggested, Casey nodded, "You struggle to sleep last night?"

"Yeah I guess," he replied.

"Wanna talk about it?" Severide asked.

"Not now, we'll be late," he stated.

_Firehouse_

"Late night?" Cruz laughed a little when both Severide and Casey as they entered the common room just after eight.

"Breakfast?" Borelli questioned from behind the counter as Casey went up for a mug of coffee.

"Please," Casey smiled.

"Hey what about me?" Severide scoffed.

"My candidate," Casey grinned.

"Here," Borelli handed them both a plate of beans, eggs and bacon. Casey took his plate to his quarters and Severide remained in the common room. It wasn't long before the alarms were blaring and they were all sent off on a call.

_Town House_

Severide and Capp exited the building with one victim between them. He turned back to the house once they'd handed the man over to one of the awaiting ambulances, he watched as Kidd and Herrmann exited through the front door, Casey and Mouch were still inside.

 _"Second floor is clear Chief, we're heading out."_ Severide heard Casey's voice crackle through the radio.

"Mouch! Watch out!" Casey yelled, he lunged forwards and pushed Mouch out the way of the falling beam, he just missed being hit by it himself. The beam hit the floor, it cracked under the sudden pressure and the hole it created as it fell through swallowed Casey and left Mouch clinging to the edge.

"Mayday mayday, firefighter down, the floor's gone, Casey's on the ground floor," Mouch called through his radio when he pulled himself onto more stable ground. He heard Casey's pass alarm blare three time and then it stopped. "Wait, he's moving, I can see him, I think he's all right," he spoke into the radio. "Lieutenant?" he called down.

Casey awoke surrounded by flames. His lungs were screaming for oxygen, his mask had come off in the fall. He scrambled for his mask as he coughed and spluttered, the flames were licking at his turnout gear. He needed to move.

"Lieutenant?" it was Mouch calling down from above.

"I'm good," he called back, coughing, "Do you have an exit?"

"Stairs are still good," Mouch called back.

"Get out of here," he ordered. A wave of dizziness hit him as he stood up and searched for an exit.

 _"Casey?"_ Boden questioned through the radio.

"I'm good, I can get out, don't send anyone else in, place is falling apart. Mouch is on his way out," he replied.

He staggered out the building and nearly collapsed into the arms of a fellow firefighter. Brett and Chilli rushed over and he was led over to the back of the ambulance. The world was spinning as he sat down, but he'd been dizzy before he'd fallen.

"Casey?" it was Severide's turn to question him.

"I'm…" he began but a hacking cough interrupted his words.

Brett started to unfasten his turnout coat, it was singed and she couldn't tell yet if he'd been burnt. His coughs didn't subside, Chilli grabbed the oxygen canister and slipped the mask over his soot covered face. "Take some deep breaths for me Lieutenant, that's it." Casey managed to take control of his breathing, his eyes still watered from smoke irritation. "Mouch ok?" he asked, his voice mumbled through the oxygen mask.

"He's fine Casey," Severide stated, he pointed him out, "See? He's fine."

Casey nodded, he suddenly realised that Brett was about to slip off his turnout coat. He pulled the mask down and stated, "I'm fine." He grabbed the edges of his coat and tried to pull them back together.

"You were just hacking up a lung and your bunker gear is burnt," Brett stated, she saw Casey's eyes flicker around the crowded scene, then she realised. "Erm, Chilli, I'll do this the back of the ambo. I'll shut the doors Casey."

In the back of the ambulance Casey took off his jacket, hoody and his polo top.

"Oh Matt…" Underneath all Casey's layers his torso was revealed. They all knew he had lost weight, it wasn't difficult to tell especially when he was wearing just a polo shirt but Brett didn't think anyone had realised how bad it now was; he wasn't emaciated, he was just skinny, it looked unnatural, his abs were still sculptured from all his workouts but his ribs were clearly visible even as he sat hunched over in attempt to keep some dignity.

He avoided eye contact. "My doctors know, I'm working on it," he stated as Brett inspected his back. She noted the scars that marred his pale skin, a bruise had already formed where he'd landed on his oxygen tank but there was not a single burn, he turnout gear had done his job. Brett checked his respiration and throat for any signs of burns and serious smoke inhalation.

"You're good to go Lieutenant," she spoke with a nod once she was done.

_Firehouse_

"Casey can I have a word in my office when you've changed?" Boden asked as he got out of the rig.

"Course Chief," he replied, worry now edging into his thoughts.

Casey entered Boden's office and carefully took a seat when Boden indicated to do so. "Are you good?"

He smiled, "I'll be sore tomorrow but for now I'm good."

Boden nodded. "You left a request for some extra shifts on my desk the other day."

"Yeah I could do with the extra money going into winter…" he began.

"I'm denying the request Casey," Boden replied.

"Oh," he was more than disappointed; he thought that by getting some extra shifts next month he'd be able to keep himself busy, he didn't want to be sat around with time to think during the anniversary of his captivity. "Well thanks anyway," he stood up.

"Matt," Boden stopped him from leaving, "How are you really?"

"Like I said, I'll be sore tomorrow but I'm good for the rest of shift," he smiled.

"You know what I mean," Boden said.

"I'm fine," he smiled, it tugged unnatural across his face, "I've had a good week, well, other than falling through two floors this morning. I am good."


	16. Collapse

_Apartment_

As predicated Casey was sore the morning after he'd fallen through two floors but it was nothing a couple of Ibuprofen couldn't solve, nevertheless he spent the day on the couch as Severide insisted they watched movies and ate junk food. Casey did very little eating of the junk food and very little watching of the movies. His mind was elsewhere and it didn't go unnoticed by Severide but he said nothing, he was just happy that Casey was sat with him rather than avoiding him.

Severide was fast asleep when Casey's alarm went off at 5am the next morning, he'd impressed himself and managed to get nearly two hours of sleep. Sleepily he chucked on his running gear and left the house. The crisp October air was refreshing as he pounded the streets. Severide was still in his bedroom when Casey returned back from his run so he slipped into the bathroom and showered. By the time he'd finished he was lightheaded and his vision was faltering. He stepped out of the shower and his knees promptly grave way. He fell onto the tiled floor with a thud.

He left the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his lower half and was shocked to find Severide just outside the door. "I heard you fall," he stated.

"I'm fine Sev, just lost my balance." The expression across Severide's face told him that he wasn't convinced. "I'm fine."

Casey collapsed out on a call the next day.

_Firehouse_

"Where's Casey?" Severide frowned when the rest of Truck 81 entered the common room.

"He's just left. Gone straight home," Herrmann informed him as he sat down in front of the TV.

"Just now?" he frowned. Herrmann nodded. "What happened?"

"He fainted," Herrmann informed him.

"And he's just gone straight home?" he questioned incredulously, "Is he all right? What happened?"

"We were just clearing up after an MVA. He wasn't hurt, nothing happened, he just fainted. Boden sent him home," Herrmann explained. Severide stood up and left the common room.

"Chief?" Severide questioned as he walked into Boden's office without knocking.

"I can't have him on duty until he gets medical clearance," he said immediately knowing why his squad lieutenant had entered his office.

"He's…" Severide began.

"He's not fine. He collapsed after clearing up debris off the road. As soon as I know there's nothing serious going on with him he'll be back on shift," Boden stated.

"So you just sent him home?" he questioned disbelievingly.

"There's nothing else I could do," Boden explained, "He needs to deal with everything, he knows he's a liability and he knows I'm a chief first and a friend second. As a friend you've not managed to get through to him, none of us have. As his chief, maybe I've got through to him, maybe he can see it now. He needs to get better."

_Apartment_

Casey was sitting on the couch, he still had his uniform on. He had a missed call from Severide, and a message telling him to call him back. He thought about ignoring it but he knew it wouldn't go down well, and really he'd only be delaying the inevitable.

 _"What happened Matt?"_ Severide asked as soon as he picked up the phone.

"Think I was just tired," he explained.

 _"What are you doing now? You've gone straight home, right? Are you ok?"_ Severide questioned quickly.

"Yeah I'm at home," he replied quietly.

 _"Are you ok?"_ Severide repeated softly.

He sighed, "Not really."

 _"Do you need me to come back?"_ Severide asked, he knew it was unlikely that he'd say yes even though he wished he would because it would mean he was accepting help.

"No," he insisted, "I'm just going to get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow morning."

 _"All right,"_ Severide accepted, _"I'll see you tomorrow. Try not to worry too much about what happened today. Boden's just concerned, ok?"_

"Ok," he breathed.

 _"Get some rest,"_ Severide suggested.

Casey let his phone drop onto the couch cushion. He didn't bother making an appointment with Doctor Andrews to get the clearance to work that Boden wanted to see. He knew he wouldn't get it so he spent the next three days in his usual routine. He felt dead on his feet. If it weren't for Severide he doubted that he'd have eaten anything. He had no appetite. Living on very little sleep was doing him no good. The continued excessive exercise was doing him no good, he's knees ached when he walked and his weight was dropping considerably. He looked ill and he didn't even try to hide it.

_Therapy Room_

"I'm fine," Casey replied when asked how he was.

"You were sent home from work three days ago," Lawson reminded him.

"I know," he nodded, "It wasn't without reason but I'm fine now."

"How many times have you said 'I'm fine' this week?" Lawson queried.

"I am fine," he averted his eyes, "I am fine most the time and then… and then I'm not fine at all." He was coping for a time, he managed everything for a while, and most the time he was in control of his thoughts and feelings. This control used to last for weeks, he would have lots of good days and then one bad day but now he seemed stuck in an endless cycle of bad days and he wasn't coping at all.

"You can't sleep. You're not eating," Lawson stated.

"I'm not in a good place again and I can't see my way back. I'm stuck. I did this. I did this to myself," he wasn't speaking to Lawson, his thoughts were flowing freely from him, he was speaking to himself, "I've made so many mistakes. I don't know if it's worth all this pain."

"Matt," Lawson interrupted. "You will get through this. It felt impossible last time and maybe it feels impossible now but you know it's not, you've done this before and…"

"Yeah," he said lightly. "I can get through this," he smiled. "I'm just tired. I'm not sleeping and I'm not eating so I'm not thinking right," he nodded, "That's all. Just like before. It'll be fine, I'll be fine. I know I will. I have plan. A plan to get better, to get through this again, I did it last time, didn't I? So I can do it again." _Apartment_

Severide waited for Casey to return home, he had an idea he wanted to run past him. He needed to go out to his father's cabin, he had plenty of furlough worked up and he doubted Casey was given medical clearance to get back to work, so he wanted to suggest they went away. Conveniently the dates Severide wanted to suggest would cover the nine days that Casey had been kidnapped and tortured two years ago. However, Casey was already an hour late home from his session with Lawson and he couldn't recall being told that he had other places to be today. Perhaps he'd just not told him, Casey didn't tell him much nowadays.

It was soon dark and rain was hammering down outside the apartment. Casey still wasn't home. It wasn't particularly late but Severide was worried, it was unlike him not to let him know if he wasn't going to come straight home. Severide had called him twice, he didn't want to seem overbearing, they had their own lives to get on with but he was worried. So worried that he did something he'd not done before; he invaded Casey's privacy. He found Casey's planner in his desk drawer; he pulled it out and discovered the empty sleeping pill containers, a food diary and a meal plan. The food diary hadn't been filled in for nearly two weeks, the meal plan looked like it had barely been touched and the date on the pot of Ambien was suspiciously recent, had he really had all of them in such a short space of time? The feeling of worrying increased. How had he not noticed? He tried to push away his thoughts and feelings and opened up Casey's diary hoping to find he was at a late construction job. An hour long session with Lawson was schedule in for three but there was nothing else.

"Damnit," he muttered. He called Casey again and it rang straight through to voicemail. "Damnit Casey, where are you?" Just when he was about to call him again he heard a car pull up outside, he shot to the window and was disappointed to find that it was just one of their neighbours.

For the next twenty minutes he called almost every person both he and Casey knew, including Dawson, on the off chance that Casey was with them or that they had at least heard from him or seen him in the last few hours but no one had. He contemplated calling Antonio but then decided he could do his own investigative work. Casey's computer password wasn't hard to figure out. Severide quickly logged on and accessed his friend's iTunes account.

"Oh God…" he had used the Find My Phone section and discovered where Casey was. He grabbed his keys and ran out to his car.

_CFD Academy_

Severide's worst thoughts were confirmed when he didn't find Casey on the ground floor. He paused by the wall of badges briefly, sadness entering his mind when he saw Darden's and Shay's in close proximity of each other's, before quickly going up the stairs, taking two steps at time. He burst through the door and had to steady himself when he stepped onto the roof, he saw Casey immediately, and he didn't want to startle him.

Casey was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't notice Severide immediately, despite the dramatic way he'd appeared on the roof. When Casey stopped pacing and realised he now had company he backed away so he was closer to the edge, his clothes were wet through, the rain was hammering down. "What are you doing it up here Case?" Severide asked softly.

Casey didn't reply, he didn't move, and it was clear Severide didn't hold his full attention.

"You must be freezing," Severide spoke gently, squinting through the rain, "Let's go back inside where it's dry." Severide went to move closer, Casey stepped further away. "Matt... stop…"

Casey glanced at him through the rain, his eyes caught his but they didn't connect. He looked so completely and utterly lost. Casey stepped up onto the ledge. "I'm sorry," he breathed; all the while Severide continued getting closer, slowly and un-alarmingly.

"If you're sorry then don't do it." Severide was barely holding himself together now. He was terrified that there was nothing he could say to stop Casey going through with his plan. He was too involved. He couldn't step back and think. "Matt please… Just look at me, please just look at me."

Slowly Casey turned his head, he was still precariously close to the edge, his hair was moving in the wind, wet with the rain that was pounding down, his eyes were red rimmed and tears fell profusely from them.

"Please Matt, please just step down." Severide wasn't above begging and pleading.

"I can't," he turned around. Closed his eyes. His breaths calmed. The pounding of the rain was the only sound he could hear. He stepped forwards.

Severide watched as Casey turned his head and closed his eyes, this was it, there was nothing he could say as he watched his best friend step forwards "Casey!" Severide lunged towards him.

Casey groaned as his body slammed onto the rooftop. A heavy weight remained pressing on him. He couldn't move.

"Stop Casey! Stop!" he wrapped his arms tightly around him. Casey was struggling, pushing him away. Tears were flowing freely.

"Let me go, let go, let go..." Casey struggled.

"I've got you, I've always got you!" He had his arms wrapped so tightly around Casey. He didn't want to let go, he wouldn't let go.

"Let me go…" Casey continued to fight against him but he was weak and his attempts were futile.

Eventually the struggling stopped and Casey was left sobbing in Severide's arms. His body was wracked with pain, wounds that couldn't be fixed with plasters or stitches. Severide clutched his body tightly, tears fell from his eyes onto Casey's sodden blond hair. "You can't leave me. You can't leave me 'cause I'm not going to leave you."

Casey was despondent. He no longer looked conscious enough to form any sort of protest. Severide pulled him up slightly off the wet ground and he just sat in the rain with his arms wrapped tightly around Casey's trembling form. He rocked him gently forwards and backwards, it felt comforting to him and he hoped it would comfort Casey too. "It's going to be ok, it's going to be ok…"


	17. Catatonic

_Apartment_

"He's fine," Severide stated. Casey was sitting almost impossibly still on the couch. A blanket was draped over his thin form. His hair was still dripping with rain water, so was Severide's. Casey was gazing off into the distance, his eyes unseeing. Severide had practically carried him down from the roof and hauled him into his car, he'd have to go back for Casey's truck another day. Thankfully by the time they'd reached their apartment Casey was no longer trembling but he hadn't uttered a word since he was grabbed and forced off the roof's ledge.

"He's not fine Kelly, he's catatonic," Lawson said worriedly. Severide had called him during their journey home, in hindsight he wished he hadn't but at the time he was still full of terror, his heart had still been pounding ferociously in his chest and his mind couldn't help but imagine the worse scenario despite the fact he'd lunged for Casey just in the nick of time.

Severide ignored Lawson and bent down so he was eye level with Casey. "Matt? Look at me bud, Matt?" he sighed anxiously. Casey didn't so much as acknowledge his presence.

"Are you going to tell me exactly what happened?" Lawson asked as he examined Casey's scraped arms and hands. Blood had been drawn when Severide had pushed him to the ground.

Severide shook his head. "No because…"

"Because if you tell me I'll want to admit him?" Lawson questioned.

"Yes," he replied shortly.

"He's not fine Kelly," Lawson repeated, "Look at him."

"We're going to go away," Severide said suddenly.

"What?" Lawson frowned, "You can't just take him away, he needs…"

"He needs me," he replied forcefully.

"He needs to be admitted," Lawson advised.

"You said before that wouldn't help him," he countered.

"That was before, that was about control. If my assumptions are right, and all evidence points to that, then I strongly recommend that he is admitted, he should be in hospital, he needs feeding, he need twenty-four hour care," Lawson argued.

"I said I wouldn't leave him," he replied quietly. Images of the two of them on the roof still at the very forefront of his mind.

"You could do more harm than good," Lawson stated.

"Really?" he scoffed. Tears were threatening to fall once more, when had he gotten so emotionally invested? He shook his head. "What more harm could be done? He has fallen apart right in front of me!"

"Kelly he's catatonic," Lawson argued, "You can't look after him like this."

"I asked you here for your help, not to admit him to some psych ward," Severide explained. "You've known him for nearly two years, you've know _me_ for nearly two years, have I ever done anything that's not been in his best interest? We both know him and we both know how difficult it will be for him to have to prove that he can go back to work, back to his life, if the CFD discover what's happened."

"You can't just suddenly not be at work, he can't be here on his own," Lawson explained.

"I'll think of something," he said rashly.

"You need to think of something now," Lawson insisted.

There was a pause. "I'll be sick, hungover… it doesn't really matter, there isn't anyone who can be here full time accept me... And besides he'll snap of it, he'll be fine."

"He might not," Lawson reminded him.

"If he isn't then I will be here," he stated. "I'm going to speak to the chief in the morning, take my furlough… I didn't take any compassionate leave when my father died… I'll take it now, after all we'll be going to the cabin to sort out his affairs."

"And how far away is that cabin away from a hospital?" Lawson asked. "I know you asked me here as a friend but I am his doctor. I don't know if I can let you do this."

"Please don't." The quiet, barely audible voice surprised them both.

"Matt?" Severide questioned. He half thought he'd imagined Casey's voice.

"Please don't admit me," he spoke again, "I'll be good." Then there was silence. He'd spoken as if he were a child, a boy not a man.

Severide and Lawson exchanged a worried glance before all their attention went back to Casey who's eyes were wide and suddenly fearful. "It's ok Matt," Severide said, "It's going to be ok."

"Do you remember what happened Matt?" Lawson asked. Casey looked towards Severide who immediately saw recognition in his eyes. "Can you tell me please?" Lawson too knew that Casey remembered exactly what had happened. "How did you graze your arms?" he asked when Casey didn't respond.

Once again Casey looked towards Severide for support. "He slipped," Severide replied whilst his eyes remained firmly locked onto Casey’s.

Lawson sighed. "I need you to be honest with me Matt," he spoke with gentle authority, "Are you going to try and hurt yourself again?" Casey dropped his eye contact; the cushion on his left hand side was suddenly much more worthy of his attention. "Matt?" Lawson tried to regain his attention, "I don't want to admit you if that's not what you want, I'm trying to look out for your best interests because I don't think you're in a good place right now. Please just be honest with me. Have I ever made you do something that isn't beneficial for you?"

Casey looked up and shook his head. "No," he replied quietly, "But please don't make me go, please don't."

"Tell me why?" Lawson asked, "Tell me why I shouldn't admit you?"

Severide spoke up, "Because he's thinking about future." He was looking at Casey the entire time he spoke, "He wants to go back to work. He doesn't want involuntary commitment on his record because he wants to go back to work. He knows he can get through this." He spoke directly Casey, "We're going to go away for a few weeks, we're going to get out of here, get some fresh air, does that sound good?"

"Ok," Casey replied timidly.

"Ok," Severide nodded. He stood up and faced Lawson. "Thank you for coming over, we'll be ok, he's going to be all right."

"Keep in touch with me when you're there," Lawson stated. He'd accepted Severide's way of attacking the situation. "I expect at least one phone call every couple of days when you're out of town Matt, ok?"

"He'll call you," Severide replied for him.

Severide helped Casey to bed once Lawson left; they were both exhausted, physically and emotionally. Casey looked completely lost, he was raw and vulnerable. He felt broken and fragile and he looked it as Severide helped him out of his wet clothes and into a pair of pyjamas pants and a jumper. Once he had settled Casey into bed Severide sat on the chair in the corner of the room and waited for Casey to drift off to sleep but he didn't, his eyes remained open, unfocused and glazed.

An hour passed. Severide moved to the end of the bed and spoke softly, "Do you want me to put a film on? Help you sleep with it on as background noise?" It had worked in the past.

Casey turned his head to face him. "Sev…" he looked like he was going to burst into tears.

"It's going to be ok," Severide assured him. "I know you can't see that… hell, I can't see it either so we're going blindly forwards together because it has to be ok, you don't deserve anything less than ok."

"I'm sorry you were there, I'm sorry," he muttered.

"If I wasn't there then you wouldn't here," Severide stated. "It was horrible Case, but it's ok, I know you don't want to be here but you are and it will be ok, I promise."

"I do want to be here," he said quietly, "But I don't."

"You want to be here," Severide smiled.

"How do I get past this?" he uttered in despair.

"We'll get past it together," Severide reassured him, "Just like last time."

It was nearly four in the morning when Casey finally managed to close his eyes and shut off from the world. Severide stayed with him the whole night.

_Firehouse_

The next day Severide stood outside Boden's office, it was mid-morning and he was dressed casually. Chief Tyberg was sitting in the office, Boden didn't look impressed, Severide thought about coming back later as he really wanted his chief to be a good mood but Boden had already spotted him and soon indicated for him to enter.

"I can wait Chief," he glanced at Tyberg as he spoke to Boden.

"We're going to be here for a while it seems," Boden replied. "And you must be here during your downtime for something urgent?"

"Yes and it's really late notice as well," he began a little hesitantly in the presence of Tyberg, "I really need to make some shift changes…"

"Shift changes?" Tyberg spoke up, "You have another lieutenant in your house who's currently… where is he? I heard he collapsed on a call."

"Lieutenant Casey has mono," Boden said lightly. Fortunately, Tyberg didn't seem to notice he'd made it up on the spot.

"I see," Tyberg replied, "This is first I've heard of this."

"Do you make a habit of knowing when every firefighter is off duty because they're sick?" Severide questioned.

Before Tyberg could respond Boden spoke diplomatically, "I did fax over the relevant details a few days ago but our fax machine does play up an awful lot… I did put in a request for a new one a few months ago?"

"There's a backlog of nonessential equipment requests," Tyberg replied.

"Well that will be why you haven't heard then," Boden smiled. "Severide, your shift changes?"

Severide was just about to him the request form when Tyberg questioned, "You're already an officer down on second watch, you're going to let another change his shifts?"

"Casey's position has already been temporarily filled, someone on another a watch will be happy to swap with Severide, I'm sure," Boden replied, "No doubt the request is for a very valid reason."

"My father," Severide stated, "I need to tie up some of his affairs, I've been putting it off since his…"

"I am very sorry about your father," Tyberg interrupted. "Benny was a great firefighter, and I'm sorry I couldn't be at the funeral."

Severide forced a smile. "Thank you," he spoke stiffly, "So yes I am sorry about the timing, maybe you should have told him to hold off a few weeks so that my shift changing wouldn't cause such a big issue with you..."

Boden held back a smile and took the form from Severide. "I'll get this sorted for you Kelly. Is that everything?"

"Thanks, it is," he gave quick nod.

"Tell Matt that I hope he feels better soon, the place isn't right without him," Boden smiled.

_Apartment_

"Hey," Severide spoke quietly when he entered the apartment with a couple of shopping bags. Brett was sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine. "Thanks for this, I didn't know who else to ask," he smiled, "How is…"

"He's been fast asleep, not heard anything from him," she replied, "And it's fine, I'm glad I could help, with… I'm not exactly sure what…" she edged. She had her suspicions, everyone did.

Severide hesitated, "His PTSD has been worse recently, I didn't really want to leave him on his own because of the…"

"Nightmares," she finished.

"Don't let on that you know when you're around him, you know how he is," he shrugged, "And let the guys know he'll be back soon."

"I will," she smiled, "And you let him know that everyone wants him back at the house, that we're there for him if he needs us."

"You sound like Herrmann," he stated, a small smile crept onto his face.

"He does rub off on everyone," she smiled, "See ya Kelly."

After Brett left Severide entered Casey's bedroom. "Case?" he spoke softly and only earned a groan in response. "Case it's time to get up." But Casey rolled away from Severide's voice, he sighed and then leant over a grabbed the pillow Casey had his arm wrapped around.

"Hey…" Casey protested groggily. It took him a while to gain his bearings. "Morning already?" he slurred.

"It's lunchtime," he provided.

"Oh," Casey let his eyes shut.

"Which means it's time for lunch," he stated, "You can eat in bed for all I care."

"I hate eating in bed," Casey mumbled.

"Well then you'll just have to get out of bed," he replied.

"I'm not…" Casey began in protest. He was warm and comfortable wrapped in his duvet, he didn't want to move, he was safe and when he had first woken up for a few moments he had forgotten everything that had happened recently; he wanted that blissful ignorance back.

"Not hungry? I don't care. You've got to eat. I'm not having you waste away in front of me," he sighed, "We talked about this, we're going to get through this together but that means you need to do what I say, you need to let me help."

Casey nodded and pushed the covers back. "I am hungry," he shrugged, "I think."

Severide smiled, "I'll go make something light."

Casey soon followed him out of the bedroom and was ordered to sit down, he complied, too tired to protest, he knew he'd be useless at helping right now, he felt weak, lightheaded and he was still extremely groggy from sleep.

Severide placed a carton of Ensure in front of him, the straw was already pierced through the top. "You know the drill," he stated.

"Yeah," Casey accepted quietly.

Casey slowly made his way through his breakfast, it was painful for Severide to watch him lethargically picking at the food but at least he was eating it, the previous night still lay heavily on both on of them, they were both emotionally exhausted.

Severide's phone rang. "It's Boden," he announced when he saw the caller ID. "Oh you have mono by the way," Severide stated before answering the phone and walking to his room for some privacy, leaving Casey with a puzzled expression across his face.


	18. Need

_Apartment_ Severide hung up the phone and sat back down next to Casey who was still picking at the food on his plate. "We're going away tomorrow," he stated and a puzzled look cross Casey’s originally blank expression. "My dad's cabin. I need to decide if I want to keep it or not and it will help if you're there."

"Ok," Casey went back to moving the decimated food on his plate.

"Gonna to go and pack a few things, we'll be there for a while, want me to sort some of your things too?" he asked.

"I can pack my own things," Casey stated.

"I know, I…" he started.

"A while?" Casey frowned. "How long are we there for? I mean, I don't mind helping but what about work?"

"A few weeks," he replied.

"What about work?" Casey repeated, the same frown lay across his brows.

"Neither of us need to worry about work," he replied. Casey looked sceptical. "Besides do you even think you're going to get cleared for work anytime soon?" It slipped out before he could stop himself, he was tired, emotionally and physically and he was never one to hold back on his thoughts even when he had all his wits about him. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Casey replied stiffly, "You're right, I'm not going to get cleared for work anytime soon or never maybe…"

"But you do want to go back?" he questioned.

"Yeah," he shrugged, "But I'm even more messed up than I thought. Something could happen, anything really, and set me back again, it's not fair on anyone, makes me a terrible leader."

"So you don't want to go forwards in case you end up going back?" he frowned.

"I didn't see myself going backwards… I could have…" he hesitated. "I could have hurt someone, hell, I could have got someone killed! If I had collapsed on… on any other call I could have… I was risking the lives of my men and I didn't even know it. I couldn't see what was happening to me… I was fine." He frowned, "But I wasn't fine at all."

"You were fine, for a while at least," Severide said softly, "I should have seen it Matt, I did see it… I did see it and I didn't do anything about it!"

"It's not your fault, can't blame yourself," he replied.

"Less than twenty-four hours ago I had to pull you back from a roof ledge! You were catatonic! Lawson wanted to commit you! I should have noticed, I should have seen it coming!"

" _I_ didn't see it coming," he stated darkly, "It's not your job to look after me."

"Yes, it is," Severide argued, "We've been through too much, you've been through too much, we need each other… who else do we have except each other?"

Casey cracked a smile. "Bit sad isn't it?" he scoffed, "On the wrong side of thirty and this is it..."

"Hey you're just lucky I'm not fussy about my friends," Severide joked, "At least you're neat, I can always count on your to tidy up after me and I can count on you to get us organised for this trip." He smiled and got up off the couch with the intention of packing some suitable clothes when he glanced at the desk drawer; he was going to have to bring the topic up at some point. "Casey," he edged softly. "I know about the sleeping pills. I understand why it happened, how it happened," he spoke sympathetically. He didn't want Casey to think he was mentioning it in order to admonish him.

"I've not told anyone," Casey quietly confirmed Severide's suspicion that none of his doctors knew.

"And I'm not going to tell anyone," he replied. "We'll deal with the nightmares like we did last time and…"

"I'm barely sleeping because I'm not taking them," Casey admitted.

"Because your body's used sleeping with them, it needs them," he said, "But give it time, you've not been having… How long have you been using them?"

"A month, maybe a little longer," Casey replied quietly.

"That's nothing, you'll be fine," he stated.

"Even though I can barely sleep right now," Casey responded incredulously. He knew full well he had damaged his body with them.

"I think that's to do with _everything_ not just withdrawal from the pills," he replied.

"Maybe," Casey shrugged, "It's just another thing that I messed up with though."

"You're allowed to mess up every now and then Casey, no one's perfect," he replied. "I mean, I'm damn close to perfect…" he joked, bringing back a smile to Casey’s face. "Why don't you go and pack a few things as well?" he suggested, "We'll leave mid-morning, miss commuter traffic and we'll need to stop for some more food as well."

"You're not gonna go out shooting for game?" Casey smiled.

"Shooting for game?" Severide repeated with a smirk.

"Hey, I don't know what you call it," he grinned. Once again Severide realised how changeable Casey's mood was, he could go from high to low and vice versa in a matter of seconds, it put him on edge, he felt like he had to be careful around him but he didn't want to be and he knew Casey wouldn't want him to be.

By late in the afternoon after they had both packed the majority of things they'd need for their trip. Severide was sitting at the dining table and looked up from his laptop when Casey stepped out his room dressed in his running gear. "What are you doing?" he frowned.

"Going for a run," Casey stated despite the obvious giveaway of his clothes.

"And you think that's a good idea considering everything?" he questioned.

"Yeah I do," he replied shortly, "It clears my head."

"Running every day isn't healthy," Severide pointed out softly. He knew he was going to have to try and stop this habit Casey had formed, or at least reduce the amount of exercise.

"It's good for my head," he said.

Severide scoffed, "Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?"

"It's good for my head," he repeated.

"Look let's just sit down, watch TV, choice is all yours," Severide suggested.

"And I'm choosing to go for a run," Casey turned ready to open the front door.

"Case stop!" Severide grabbed Casey's arm and pulled him back round. He knew exactly how his friend would react but his frustration over Casey's carelessness got the better of him. He let go immediately but the damage had already been done. Casey's mind wasn't present for a few moments before he suddenly and swiftly turned on his heels and left the apartment.

"I'm sorry," Casey stated as he walked into the apartment after his run. He'd been gone for an hour. So much for not letting Casey out his sight, Severide had thought when the front door had slammed shut in his face. He had so many doubts; maybe Lawson was right, maybe being here with him was going to do Casey more harm than good.

"Matt I shouldn't have…" Severide but Casey wasn't about to stop and chat.

"You shouldn't have to do any of this," Casey walked straight to his room and shut the door leaving Severide once again alone and worrying.

Severide didn't see Casey again until later in the evening. "Are you ok?" It was obvious that Casey was far from ok as he made his way to the kitchen.

"No," Casey muttered.

"Sit down," he stated, he grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl. "Eat this," he instructed as the he passed his friend the banana, "I'll get you some juice."

Casey looked down at the banana in his hand, "I was sick."

"I guessed as much, you're doing too much, your body's stressed," Severide poured out some juice.

"My body's a mess," he uttered under his breath.

"This is just a blip," Severide handed him a glass of juice.

"You mean another blip?" he sighed, "You should go without me… I'm not good company, take someone else with you, you have other friends."

"I don't want to take someone else with me, yes I have other friends but you are best friend, a true friend," Severide insisted. He knew Casey would try to back out.

"You just don't want to feel guilty," Casey said harshly, "If I do something stupid you don't to feel guilty, you don't want it to be your fault, you…"

"Don't tell how I will feel, how I do feel," he interrupted. "I wouldn't feel guilty, I'd feel sad, unbelievably, unbearably sad because _you_ are my best friend. Stop trying to push me away, I'm not going anywhere, I'm as stubborn as you are so don't even try."

That night Casey had an anxiety attack. He felt like he had been having a heart attack, his chest heaved as he struggled to breath, struggled to think past the images in his head. Severide held him as he struggled, as his breaths came out in short sharp gasp, at first he'd tried to push him away but Casey was too weak, too weak because his body was exhausted, too weak because of the flashbacks that had assuaged him. It had all been brought on by a nightmare.

_Casey was being held upright by the Bulgarian, his chest and sides were aching fiercely. "You can make this easy Casey, or you can make it really difficult for yourself. What do the cops know?" Nesbitt asked again._

_"That you're trafficking girls," he replied loathingly._

_"How did you find out? Did Katya tell you? Trisha?" Nesbitt questioned._

_"The cops told me," he said. "I don't know anything," he repeated._

_Nesbitt glanced at the Bulgarian with concern before the anonymous figure behind Casey let go. He slid to the floor. "If you don't start talking, it's only going to get worse," Nesbitt stated. The door slammed shut and Casey was plunged into darkness._

_He woke up in a bright room unable to move. His limbs were heavy. His leg throbbed painfully. There were two figures staring down at him, he couldn't talk. Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't he tell them he was ok? Suddenly his leg was on fire. He was being held down by shadows of men._

_"Argh!" he screamed when a long rod was pulled out of his leg. His vision swayed._

_"Hold him," demanded a voice. He was no longer in the brightly lit up, the pain in his leg had mercifully gone but he was hauled onto his knees and his arms were yanked around his back. Casey tried to resist but it was futile and his arms were only held tighter, pain stretched across his shoulders and chest. The Bulgarian spoke in his thick accent, his face only millimetres away from Casey's. "No more playing nice…" From the corner of his eye Casey saw a glimmer of silver. The Bulgarian pulled back, and his arms remained in a vice like grip_.

_Casey felt the tip of the blade as it was dragged down splitting his top open, looking down he was surprised to see no blood had been spilt, he had to bite his lip to force himself not to mutter a word of protest to what he imagined was about to take place._

_"You understand yes?" the Bulgarian spoke. "If you tell me what we need to know I will not use this," he indicated to the small sharp blade he held in his right hand._

_"I don't know anything," Casey stated hurriedly. he'd lost count how many times he'd informed them thusly. The pain he felt as the blade sliced across his abdomen lasted only seconds but the sharp sting continued to increase in intensity after the blade was taken back. The cut was not deep and less than two inches long; he was not going to lose much blood but the paper cut like wound was enough to force him to wince especially as the man behind him pulled even tighter on his arms._

_Suddenly he was alone in the darkness. Tears were streaking down his face. The sound of the gunshots reverberated around him. “Sev?"_

_Everything changed, it was light not dark, the pain had lessened, the smell had changed, Severide was alive and stood in front of him, smiling. Casey looked down, he was holding a gun, his fingers traced the distinct lines and edges, he looked up, Severide was still smiling, telling him it was over. It was over, Casey realised immediately as the man besides Severide regained consciousness pulled out his gun. There was no thought process, his mind was blank, he lifted up the gun in his hands, pulled the trigger, not once but twice. Blood splattered everywhere, brain matter went flying and the man dropped to the floor._

_"Casey?" Severide was calling his name as he leant over the man, pummelling his fist into the man's skull. "Casey? Come on Case, wake up! It's just a nightmare." But it wasn't just a nightmare; he was reliving everything. "Matt!"_

Severide was relieved when Casey's eyes shot open. "You're ok, you're ok, you're in your room, I'm here, you're ok, you're ok," he repeated until eventually Casey's heart rate lowered and his breathing returned to normal.

"Sev?" Casey questioned just before his body shuddered and tears were released from his eyes like a dam breaking.

"Yeah I'm here, it's ok, I'm here," he spoke softly, rubbing Casey's arms comfortingly, "Try to think about the cabin; we can go walking, use the log fire, go fishing. We'll get away from everything, take a breather and just relax."

"I _do_ need you," Casey stated, "I'm sorry I said…"

"It's all right, I'm used to you trying to push everyone away," he replied as he put his arm around Casey's shoulders, "Good thing that we're both as stubborn as each other." Severide sat by Casey and waited for him to sleep before carefully releasing him from his arms. He crept quietly out the room, leaving the door open, he knew he wasn't going to sleep now, he wanted to keep an eye on Casey so he pulled out a cardboard box and started packing some food for their trip.


	19. Cabin

_Apartment_

"Morning," Casey said groggily as he sat down at the dining table with a carton of Ensure.

"You managed to get a few more hours sleep then?" Severide asked.

Casey nodded as he concentrated on piercing the carton. He was a man of little words the morning after a nightmare, even more so when it was only Severide who could calm him down and ground him. It's not that he was embarrassed, they were emotionally and physically exhausting.

"Do you want some proper breakfast too?" Severide indicated the carton Casey had begun sipping.

"Offering me a choice?" he frowned.

Severide shrugged. "You had a shitty night."

"I have a lot of shitty nights," he sighed. "What time are we leaving?"

"We should leave before lunch so we don't get there too late but it's up to you," Severide replied. "Oh I hope you don't mind but we're going in your truck, I may not enjoy driving it nearly as much as my car but we can fit more in it."

"It's gonna be weird," Casey noted quietly. "I've not been away since… since Hallie…" he dropped his eye contact. "Dawson's dads place up by Lake Pleasant," he smiled sadly at the memory.

"My dad has a load of fishing stuff at the cabin," Severide stated, remembering how Casey had gone to that lake to fish after Hallie had died. "It'll be good Casey."

_Truck_

Severide glanced over to Casey who was struggling to stay awake, they'd been on the road for a few hours. They had stopped briefly to get some more food supplies and stopped by a pharmacy to fill the prescriptions Lawson had given Casey for their trip before they left the city. "Get some sleep," Severide suggested.

"And wake up flailing and make you crash the truck? I think I'll stay awake," he said pointedly.

"We'll stop again soon, I wanna break and we can get some hot food," Severide stated.

"I'll drive after," he said, having already lost the argument to drive straight from the house earlier.

"If you manage to get some sleep you can drive," Severide with a smile.

"My truck," he scoffed.

"My life." Severide grinned at their banter, it was nice to have a casual conversation for once, they seemed few and far between at the moment.

_Diner_

"Last bit of civilisation," Severide announced as they sat down at the table. Although it wasn't strictly true as there was a local shop just under an hour away from his dad's cabin. The diner, next to a gas station, was quiet with only a few other patrons. A waitress handed them a couple of menus before going back to her conversation with another customer at the far end table.

Severide scanned the menu whilst Casey glanced round the restaurant, it felt like someone was watching him but he tried to shove the feeling back down and labelled it as paranoia. Severide, of course, soon noticed how unsettled Casey was and reassured him with a smile.

Soon the waitress came back over and took their order, Severide ordered for them both. "Everyone's looking at us," Casey stated when the waitress left. His self-consciousness had got the better of him.

Severide looked around at the other diners. "If they were they aren't any more. Why do you think everyone is looking at you?" he asked softly, trying to get Casey to explain his thoughts and feelings in the hope that he'd be able to rationalise them.

Casey frowned. "I don't know, sorry, can we go?"

"Hey, I thought I recognised you!" a man spoke loudly as he walked past their table.

Casey froze.

"You were in the newspaper ages ago!" he spoke loudly.

Casey didn't react, his gaze remained fixed on the salt and pepper pots in the middle of the table.

"Wrong guy," Severide stated and the men finally left through the front door followed by his friend. "Matt?"

"I was right, they were looking at me," he shook off his shock from the encounter and took a satisfied sip of his milkshake.

"This time," Severide smirked.

"I hope they used a good photo," he stated after a moment.

"What?"

"My 'missing' photo," he clarified, "Was it good?"

"Erm…" Severide hesitated, shocked at the direction of the conversation and how unfazed Casey seemed. "Yeah, it was your CFD photo."

Their burgers and fries arrived. Severide dug into his straight away whilst Casey slowly made his way through his fries.

"You know the burger's the most expensive part of the meal," Severide told him, "You should eat it before it gets cold."

"Don't worry I'm going to eat it all," he replied, "But if I throw up it's your fault."

"You're not gonna be sick," Severide stated. Casey took the burger in both his hands and glared at Severide as he took a bite. "You're not going to be sick," he repeated.

"Suppose you can see the future now then," Casey scoffed.

"No, but I know that you've eaten properly in the last twenty-four hours, your body's not going to be so confused about why you're actually feeding it," he explained logically.

"Well, feeding it all this junk food is going to be great, isn't it?" Casey snarled.

Once again his mood had flipped like a switch and Severide was at a loss. "Well it's not going to make you fat, I doubt anything will, if that's what you're worried about," he replied. It came out much more harshly than intended. He was tired and still worried if taking Casey out of Chicago was the right thing to do; he couldn't hold back his remark and regretted it as soon as he saw the look on Casey's face.

Casey stood up from the booth, muttered something about the bathroom, turned on his heels and left Severide alone at the table. Severide wanted to follow him immediately but refrained from running after him, he let him have some space.

"You haven't thrown up have you?" Severide asked softly when he walked into the restroom five minutes after Casey had left him at the table.

Casey shook his head. "No," he replied quietly. He was stood with his back to Severide but he could see him in the mirror, "This isn't going to work."

"What?" Severide frowned, more than a little confused at his friend's statement.

"I shouldn't go with you," he explained, "I'm terrible company and I'm…"

"You're tired, your head's not in a great place," Severide began carefully, "Sure it doesn't make for fun and laughter 24/7 but it doesn't mean you're terrible company."

"I'm picking arguments with you, I'm angry and I don't know even know why," he said.

"You're angry at me," Severide stated.

"No I…" he began.

"Yes you are," Severide said, "You're angry at me because I pulled you off the edge of that roof."

Slowly Casey turned around to face him, realisation had hit him. "I don't want to die," he spoke quietly.

"That's good to know," Severide replied lightly.

"I…" he hesitated, "I just wanted everything to stop, everything was moving so fast, everything is still moving too fast and I'm stuck here in slow motion whilst everything goes on around me. Whenever my thoughts aren't occupied they're filled with… filled with that room, filled with… I killed two people and it's all I can think about, I'm trapped, like I was trapped in that room… I'm still in that room and everything's happening around me and I can't do anything to control it so I just wanted it to stop, there isn't another way..."

"Yeah there is," Severide said, Casey frowned, "Living."

"Tried that," he stated sullenly.

"No," Severide shook his head, "Really living. You can do anything."

"I don't want to do anything," he stated. Then realised how it sounded. "I mean, I just want things to be normal again, I want things to go back the way they were before this whole mess happened."

"We both know that can never happen," Severide said, his tone serious.

"You see the problem then," he said lightly.

"Yeah, I get it, I understand it," Severide replied, "But death, Casey, there's nothing there, nothing. No bad memories but no good memories either, just nothing, no one, it's just the end, there's nothing there."

"How philosophical of you," he deadpanned.

"You don't want nothing Casey, you don't want the end," Severide urged.

"I begged for the end." Tears threatened to fall as he forced out the words. "I begged for the end! Begged, pleaded, it's all I wanted and it never came."

Severide was taken aback. "I… I didn't know."

"I didn't tell you," he replied.

"You were delirious, your leg was infected, you were in pain, you were starved and given drugs… anyone would have begged for the end," Severide reassured him.

"And what would they do now?" his breath hitched in his throat and tears that had been threatening to fall for trickling slowly down his cheeks.

"They'd live," Severide replied, "They'd live because they'd survived. They'd survived something so terrible, been forced to do something so terrible to keep to surviving, so that they would live."

"Ok," he accepted.

"Ok?" Severide frowned at Casey's sudden acceptance, had he just had a lightbulb moment?

"Ok," he nodded, "I wanted this, I wanted this life. I wanted life. Everything just got…"

"Overwhelming?" Severide provided.

"Overwhelming," he repeated, "What if it happens again? What if I don't notice and it happens again?"

"Then we'll deal with it," and of course Severide was going try his hardest to make sure Casey never fell apart in front of him again.

"Ok," he accepted, "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to figure things out…"

"Don't every say sorry for any of this Casey," Severide replied. "Now, let's get some desert and then get to the cabin."

_Cabin_

Casey stood behind Severide as he opened the front door to the cabin, he glanced around taking in the overgrown bushes, wild plants and the trees that seemed to block out the sunlight, the whole place needed tending to but Severide had said it had been a while since either he or his father had stayed up here.

Severide jiggled the lock once again and it finally allowed them entrance into the cabin, it had always been a temperamental door. He walked further into the cabin whilst Casey remained in the entrance way, Severide turned around.

"What?" he smiled at the expression that lay across Casey's face. "Did you expect to be living with candle lights and to be peeing in a hole in ground outside?"

"Kinda yeah," Casey nodded. "There's a TV?" he questioned as he scanned the surprisingly modern living area.

"Uh huh, signal's terrible at best but there's plenty of DVDs," Severide replied. He looked around. "The whole place needs cleaning…"

"It's nice," he commented.

"It's dusty," Severide stated.

"It is nice though," he smiled, "I really did expect rustic and old."

"A few years ago the roof was falling apart… he only used the place for fishing then he started spending more time up here," Severide explained. "Let's get the generator going, we need to turn the fridge on so we can take the stuff out the cooler."

A few hours later they'd settled in, the cupboards were stocked, their bags were unpacked, the truck was empty and Severide had gotten a fire going so the whole cabin was heated. Casey was fast asleep on the couch in front of fireplace, he looked peaceful, Severide didn't want to wake him just yet so he set about making sandwiches.

"Hey," Casey spoke blearily when he woke to find Severide by his feet at the end of the sofa.

"Cosy?" Severide grinned.

"It is cosy… although I think I was sharing that pillow with a family of spiders," he frowned sleepily.

"Dinner." Severide indicated to the plate of sandwiches on the small table in front of them. "You like my sandwiches," he said when he saw Casey's disgruntled expression.

Casey ate the sandwich, drank the carton of Ensure and nibbled on a handful of dried fruit and nuts whilst Severide flipped through the newspaper they'd picked up that morning. "Let's go for a run together tomorrow, you can show me around, I don't fancy getting lost in the middle of nowhere," Casey suggested.

"We'll go for a walk," Severide countered.

"A walk?"

"Yup, we're walking until you stop complaining about having to eat three meals a day," Severide smiled. "When we get back home Herrmann isn't going to be commenting about your weight because it's not going to be an issue because you're not going to be running excessively and when you do run you're actually going to fuel your body."

"You've spent too much time with Lawson, you sound like him," he noted.

"Does that mean you're going to listen to me?" Severide asked a smile.

"Listen? I always listen to you," he teased. "Take on board, however, is another situation entirely," he grinned.

"Ha very funny," Severide drolled.

The next day they explored the area. They walked around the lake, it took the best part of the morning, they didn't speak much, the silence was comfortable, the fresh air was good. That evening when he stepped out of the bathroom to discover that Casey was no longer on the sofa reading where he'd left him, he quickly checked his room, he wasn't there. Severide sighed inwardly with relief when he stepped out onto the porch and found Casey sat on the bench looking out towards the trail that led to the lake. Silently he crept back inside unnoticed before heading back out with a jumper in his hands.

"I'll leave you alone, just want to make sure you don't freeze to death," he said softly before handing the jumper over.

"You can stay," Casey spoke quietly as he began to walk away so Severide sat down next to him. Casey hadn't glanced at him once since he'd appeared, he had a serene look across his face. "It's nice here, peaceful," he stated as he gazed out into the trees.

Severide nodded, he didn't want to break the tranquil spell that lay over Casey, after a few moments his friend pulled his focus away from the land beyond the porch and faced him.

"You should keep it," he said softly, "I mean, do you need the money?"

"No," Severide shook his head.

"Is it hard being here… because of your dad?" he asked.

"No," Severide replied.

"I think you should keep it, it's nice, it's perfect," he added.

Severide smirked, "If it were summer we'd be being attacked by mosquitos right now."

Casey face broke into a grin, he laughed, he laughed freely for the first time in months. "Always ruining the moment."


	20. Found

_Cabin_

After a couple of days Severide and Casey settled into a routine. Casey still struggled to sleep but each night he managed to fall asleep a little earlier, a little easier, he'd had one nightmare that he could remember but it hadn't left him in a state of panic despite waking up in a room that was not his own. Severide ensured that he ate and they both tidied the place up, it had been months since Severide's father had been there, whilst they'd cleaned Severide recalled a few stories about his father. Casey was impressed at how well he'd been handling his death but when he thought that there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind telling him that _he_ should be dealing better with everything.

One day Severide walked back inside the house after fetching some fire wood from the store by the front of the cabin and found that Casey was no longer there. He staved off panic by telling himself he'd only been outside for less than five minutes and Casey's truck was still there but today marked two years since Katya had been killed, since Casey had been forcefully taken and tortured for nine days, since he had nearly lost his leg. He'd had fought physically and mentally every day since then to recover. Severide quickly chucked his jacket back on and went back outside.

"What the hell are you doing?" Severide called out in shock when he reached the lake. Casey shot round in surprise. "It's freezing! Are you trying kill…" He trailed off when he realised the implication of his words.

"It's actually all right when you're moving," Casey replied. He'd left the cabin for some fresh air and had wondered down to the lake, he'd taken off his boots, stripped off his clothes and folded them before stepping into the water; the cold had ripped his breath away and for a few moments he could barely breathe but then it settled. He'd waded through until his feet could no longer touch the bottom and then he gently swam to the centre of the lake. He could see his breath in the air above the water, he moved as little as possible, the water began to still around him. He looked around the pine trees that surrounded the edge of the lake, he was in his own world, full of calm, nothing could happen to him, he relaxed, he could hear the birds chirping away in the distance. The sereneness had been broken by Severide's shout, immediately bringing him back to reality.

"Just come over here, I'll get you a towel," Severide insisted before running back to the cabin. When he returned Casey was swimming slowly back of to the edge of the lake.

"You're not coming in then?" he asked, voice raised for him to hear.

"I'm afraid skinny dipping with a little blond lieutenant is not on my to do list today," he scoffed.

"You're just a wuss, It's not that cold," he called back.

"You're almost blue," Severide countered, "Now get out before I have to fish you out."

"So you'd come in to rescue me?" Casey questioned, trying to get him in the water.

"You don't need rescuing," he replied, it was almost symbolic.

"No, I don't," Casey smiled peacefully before continuing to the edge and stepping out of the water. He walked up to Severide and grabbed the towel from his outstretched arm, now that he was out of the water, dripping wet, he realised how cold it actually was but in his attempt to dress quickly he ended up falling down onto the ground, leaving Severide to snigger as he continued getting dressed.

That afternoon they sat outside next to a roaring fire, Severide insisted on having a BBQ despite the cold weather, it was something he and his father had done every time they'd been at the cabin together. Casey was sat on a tree stump, hair finally dry after his adventure in the lake. "You're just going to burn it; it's too close to the flames, it's just going to burn on the outside and not cook inside," he explained.

"If you're the expert come here and do it," Severide replied as he poked the flames.

"You're the one who wanted to do this, you'll give yourself food poisoning if you don't cook it right," he smiled at Severide's attempts.

"It's fine, it's cooking just fine," Severide insisted

Casey shook his head and held back more laughter. "The flames are too high, we need to wait and you need to keep it moving…" he sighed and stood up, "Fine, I'll do it."

Severide took a seat as Casey got to work on their lunch, he smiled. "You look the part stood there in your cable knit jumper with that beard you've got going on," he laughed as Casey added more fuel to the flames.

"Hey, I make it look good," Casey retorted.

"Debatable," he teased, "If you don't shave before we get home no one will recognise you."

"You on the other hand would look perfectly normal," Casey mocked, "At least I take more care my appearance when we're on shift."

"Ladies love it," he countered.

They had been at the cabin for just over a week now. Casey seemed much more relaxed, his mood seemed to have stabilised, he wasn't argumentative and he wasn't constantly trying to get away from Severide or trying to run every day. On top of it all his appetite had even improved, it wasn't great but Severide did find him eating without having reminded him to do so. Casey had woken up that in the early hours of the morning in the throes of a nightmare, it took Severide nearly ten minutes to calm him down and Casey spent the rest of the day feeling miserable, he had thought he was getting better in the aftermath of his dreams but apparently that wasn't always the case. By the time it was dark they were sat outside on the porch together, the air was cold but the alcohol warmed them, neither of them had drank much since they'd arrived, Severide was always worried in the back of his mind that Casey would use the substance to help cope but he had been so tense all day after his early morning antics that Severide actually thought it might be a good idea tonight, to sit and relax together.

"There's more," Severide stated when Casey opened the last bottle, "The floorboards under the coffee table lift up."

Casey giggled, the alcohol had clearly taken effect two bottles ago. "Was your dad a pirate?"

"What?" Severide laughed at the absurdity of the question.

"A pirate?" they moved off the porch and into the cabin where Severide pushed the table and began to lift up two of the floorboards, "See he was a pirate," Casey stated seriously as he knelt down by Severide, he looked down into the hole that was revealed, there were crates of beer and bottles of whiskey and gin.

"What are you going on about?" Severide scoffed as he pulled out a few more bottled of beer.

"The island with the hole and the… and the rum," his face conveyed the seriousness that his statement lacked, "All that rum... but the rum was gone..."

"Ok…" Severide smirked, "I don't think you need any more to drink."

"Are you telling me you've not seen the pirate movie?" he questioned, disappointment evident in his tone but Severide couldn't take him seriously at all so he just grinned.

"I've seen several pirate movies," Severide replied.

" _The_ pirate film…" Casey frowned looking down into the hole. "That's not alcohol."

Severide scoffed. "No, no it's not." He grinned as he reached down and grabbed the clear packet.

The next morning Casey woke up with a throbbing headache, the light from the outside seemed to terrorise him so was forced him to turn over and hide under his pillow. He felt awful and he also couldn't recollect how he ended up in bed wearing nothing but one sock. The birds outside were no longer making a pleasant and calming sound, every little noise they made rebounded in his aching head, the pillow did very little to mask the sound of nature awaking.

Severide was sitting on the couch with a large glass of juice when Casey finally made an appearance, he was definitely hungover. His hair was all over the place, he was pale, a little clumsy as he walked and he was trying his hardest to avoid the spots of bright light that shone through the windows. "Do you feel as bad as I do?" Severide asked, he too had a throbbing headache, and his stomach felt unsettled after last night's frivolities.

"I'm starving," Casey said before he rummaged around the small kitchen area grabbing food to satisfy his sudden hunger.

By mid-afternoon they had recovered, a short walk along one of the trails had helped even Severide would have preferred to stay on the couch all day. Severide refilled his mug and joined Casey on the sofa, he had a book on his lap that he was paying no attention to, he was gazing out of the window but he was unfocused, he wasn't present. Severide wanted to place a hand on his arm to bring him back from wherever his thoughts had taken him but he knew better. "Are you ok?" he spoke loudly but not harshly, he just needed his attention. He watched as Casey's daze broke and focus returned to his eyes.

"It's weird…" Casey thought out loud, "It's weird to think that over a week ago I was ready to step off that ledge, I was ready to end it all, I wanted to end it all but right now I couldn't do that, I don't want the end, but tomorrow? Next week? Next month? The end might be all I want."

"You got through all your bad days, all your worst days, you got through them. And really are things going to get any worse?" he questioned, "You tried to kill yourself, I'm pretty sure you can't get any lower than that and you survived. You're going to have bad days but from experience we both know you can handle them, you can get through them."

"I don't want bad days. I can't have bad days," Casey stated.

"You don't have to be ok all the time, it's ok if you have bad days, it's ok to not be ok," he explained.

"It's ok not to be ok?" Casey repeated, taking it in.

Severide grinned. "I think that might be the best advice I've ever given."

"Maybe," Casey smiled thoughtfully.

A few days passed, they were sat inside when Severide's phone rang. "Sorry the signal's really bad, say again? … What? … How? … Ok, what does that mean then? … Right, yeah, I'll let him know."

"What's wrong?" Casey asked as he put the phone down. "Has something happened?"

Severide sighed, he was going to have to tell him eventually, he just thought it was bad timing that the call had taken place now rather than one hour ago when Casey had been outside. "Nothing's happened, well, it has but not at 51 or anything…" Severide began, "That was Antonio on the phone. They've found Nesbitt."

"They found him? Arrested him?" he asked in succession.

"Well sort of," Severide responded. "He's in hospital, in the ICU. It looks like some of his friends found him before the cops." He used the word friends loosely.

"He'll live?" he frowned.

"Antonio said he was in critical condition, that's all I know," Severide explained.

"I want to see him," Casey stated, there was no hesitation.

"What?" He was surprised and he couldn't hide it. "You want to see him?"

"You don't think I should? It's a bad idea?" Casey asked. He trusted Severide's judgment, much more so now than he had done before everything that had happened to him over the last two years.

"No, I just… I just didn't think you'd want to do that," he replied.

"If this happened six months ago, a few weeks ago even, I don't think I would want to but I want to now," Casey explained.

"He's probably not even conscious if he's in crit…" he began.

"I know," Casey nodded.

"Ok, well, let's pack up and we'll go home tomorrow," he replied.

"Is that ok?" Casey questioned, realising that they'd come to the cabin because of his father, although that had really only been Severide's way of getting Casey there without much protest.

"We need to go home at some point," he responded.

_Hospital_

Antonio met Severide and Casey by the entrance of the hospital. They spoke very little before they went upstairs. They greeted a doctor and the four of them entered the ICU, walking over to Nesbitt's bed. The sterile smell and the sound of the machines brought back memories and feelings of anxiousness, pain and fear. Casey looked down at the man on the bed, he barely looked like Nesbitt, and he couldn't help but wonder if he had looked so fragile, he almost looked dead, sustained only by all the tubes and wires that surrounded him, had he looked like that?

"Will he survive?" he asked the doctor eventually.

"He needs another surgery but he's not stable enough for that at the moment," the doctor replied.

Severide watched Casey carefully, he'd been watching him carefully since they had arrived in the room but his face was a well concealed mask, he was surprised to hear Casey's next question, his voice was soft and light, a slight furrow made an appearance on his brow. "Is he in pain?"

"They're giving him the minimum amount of morphine," Antonio replied this time.

"Can you give him more?" Casey asked the doctor.

"Erm…" Antonio started, a little confused.

"He won't try to survive if he's in pain," Casey said before the doctor could reply to his question.

"Yes, we can up his dosage, it was…" the doctor began.

"It was my request," Antonio explained, "I didn't think he deserved it after… after everything."

"Death's an easy way out of this," Casey said grimly, his eyes still downcast.

"Are you all right?" Severide asked immediately as he and Casey stepped outside the hospital entrance into the bitter cold air.

"I don't know," his mask had faded away, "I don't know how I should feel."

"That's ok," Severide replied. "Do you want to know how I feel?" Casey nodded. "I feel relieved."

"Yeah?" Casey looked up from the ground.

"Yeah," Severide nodded, looking Casey in the eyes.

"Me too and I feel… I want to go for a run, clear my head," he stated.

"Let's get back have lunch then we'll go together?" Severide suggested.

He smiled, "Sounds good."

"No more secret running," Severide stated.

"No," he shook his head, "And no secrets at all."

"From either of us," Severide replied. _Firehouse_

The next day Casey walked into House 51 clean shaven, feeling lighter both physically and mentally. Herrmann caught him as he made his way to Boden's office but their conversation was brief and Herrmann was glad Casey had recovered. As far as anyone was aware Casey had been recovering from mono for the last couple of weeks, although everyone at the firehouse had figured out what was happening when Severide too had taken time off but no one would ever mention it, not unless either of them brought it up.

"Come in Casey," Boden greeted as he saw him approach his open office door. "You're looking well," he noted.

"I want to apologise," Casey began. "For my unprofessional behaviour," he clarified.

"Are you here to tell me you're ready to come back to work?" Boden asked.

"I'm just here to apologise. I put lives at risk, my men's lives, victims, my own," he explained, "I put those lives at risk without even knowing it, I couldn't see what was happening, what I was doing to myself, to everyone around me. I endangered everyone. I understand completely if you can't have me here and I don't mind, if that's the price I pay for my carelessness it's what I deserve."

"You'll be here next shift?" Boden asked, "With your doctor's clearance of course."

Casey frowned, he was speechless for a moment, he had at least expected to be reprimanded, "I… erm… yes I'll be here," he nodded.

"Good," Boden stated, "You've been missed lieutenant."

"I'll see you in a couple of days then," Casey smiled and turned to leave.

"Oh, did you and Kelly have a good time at the cabin?" Boden added as an afterthought.

Casey hadn't realised that Boden knew but then how else would Severide have managed to get all his shifts swapped around for their trip. He turned back to face the desk. "It was just what I needed."


	21. Epilogue

Three Months Later  
  
 _Firehouse_

Severide was sitting at the squad table. He looked up from his newspaper when the apparatus doors opened. Truck 81 was returning from a call. He glanced back down at the article but his attention was brought back to Truck 81 when Casey jumped out, laughing with the others. "Did you see her face?" Casey was saying and Severide's curiosity was peaked.

"Ha I didn't think she was ever gonna let you leave," Herrmann replied with a grin plastered across his face.

"Thought we were gonna have to call PD for back up," Otis joined in.

"Very funny," he replied mockingly.

"Seriously thought we were gonna have to leave you there," Herrmann laughed.

"It's not my fault..." he insisted.

"Not your fault that you look like a men’s underwear model?" Kidd questioned. Casey looked at her incredulously before he hung up his turnout coat on the side of the rig.

Severide got up and joined Casey as he walked through the doors heading to the common room. "Should I ask?" he smiled.

"Best not to," Casey grinned.

Much later in the day Casey was sat in the common room browsing on his laptop. "What are you looking at Lieutenant?" Otis crept over Casey's shoulder to take a glimpse at the laptop screen. Herrmann soon joined him, "Boats?" Otis asked curiously.

Casey sat back and sighed, resigned to the questioning he was about to receive, he could have been looking in the privacy of his quarters but he still much preferred the company of others to his own head if he was given the choice, it was far better to listen to the others and join in their conversations. It felt very normal, he felt normal.

"Boats?" Herrmann questioned, "People who retire get a boat."

"I'm not retiring," he scoffed.

"Boats are expensive," Herrmann said.

"Lieutenants salary," Otis noted.

"These ones aren't," Casey replied.

Herrmann took a closer look of the screen, "They don't look seaworthy."

"That's because they're not," he said, a small smile laced his lips.

"Since when have you ever wanted a boat?" Herrmann asked curiously.

"Well..." he hesitated, "I've got some money sitting around."

"Oh, money sitting around, that's nice," Otis chimed in.

"Compensation money," he explained shortly.

Herrmann moved to whack Otis across the arm for his thoughtlessness. "Oh," Otis mouthed.

"Yeah, oh," he replied, "Anyway, I've still got the majority of it sat in my savings account… Thought I should I spend it… I can't think of any reason just to keep saving it all."

"Why don't you get one you can actually use?" Herrmann questioned.

"I'd rather fix one up, have it as a little project… I don't know the first thing about boats but Severide does..."

"Get it," Herrmann replied, "You can always sell it after you're done with it."

"Maybe," he sat up straight and switched his laptop off.

"We've put you off?" Herrmann asked with a frown.

"No," he shook his head. "Maybe I should just get one when I retire," he laughed.

"Less time to…" Herrmann trailed off at the sound of the alarm calling Truck 81 and Ambulance 61 to a car accident.

It was a busy shift. Early in the evening Severide was sat in the squad rig as they rushed to a call, there was someone threatening to jump out the window of an apartment building. He jumped into action when they arrived. Truck 81 had been close to the scene, clearing up the car wreck, they'd arrived five minutes before Squad 3. "Chief where do you want us?" he asked as he walked up to Boden.

"Casey's up with there with the victim," Boden explained and Severide could see the rest of Truck 81 were preparing the inflatable pad below the window.

"Casey?" Severide questioned.

Boden turned the volume up on his radio and Severide soon heard Casey's calming voice loud and clear. "…You don't want to do this, not really, let's just take a step back together… no I'm not going anywhere…"

The inflatable pad was still expanding beneath the side of the building. "Chief let me go up there."

Boden gave a curt nod.

As he sprinted up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, Severide could hear Casey on his radio. "…Look, why don't we get some privacy? I'm going to turn my radio off, then we can chat because you're not going to do this without telling me why, otherwise, what I am I supposed to tell your family, your friends?"

Severide wasn't entirely sure he was actually going to turn his radio off, it was against protocol but then there was only silence. "Damnit," he muttered. He slowed down and calmed his breaths as he reached the door to the room that Casey was currently in trying to persuade the young man not to jump.

"…I know I can't possibly know what you're feeling, what you're going through. You don't need to know my reasons, you don't need to know my story. You need to know that things are going to be ok even when you don't understand that, don't even believe that anything could possibly be ok again. Four months ago I was stood at the top of a building about to jump, about to end it all but I didn't and here I am, living, I'm all right, things got better, bad things will still happen but it's not the end of the world, and yes, sometimes things aren't ok but I'm here. In a few weeks from now don't you want to say that? That you survived the worst part of your life? Because you can survive it, you really can," Casey spoke sincerely. "I don't know what the future holds for you, no one does, but if you do this then there's nothing, or you can step back and see if there is something, because something is better than nothing, a few more bad days are better than nothing at all. If you turn around now I will grab you and help you back through the window. We can talk, or not talk, it doesn't matter because if you turn around you're already surviving."

Severide heard movement from inside the room and soon the door opened up revealing Casey and the victim. Casey gave him a short nod before following the victim out of the building and taking him to the ambulance. Severide went down after them, leaving them plenty of space, he saw the victim with Brett and Chilli by the ambulance, after another glance round he found Casey stood in front of his truck.

"Good job," Severide walked up to him.

"You heard everything I said, didn't you?" he asked softly.

"Pretty much," Severide nodded, "You ok?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm good," he replied and he genuinely believed his answer. "I'm thinking about buying a boat," he added with a smile.


End file.
